Saturday, March 31, 2007

Van Gogh Away!

Libraries often host exhibitions by terrible local artists. The art world would often be better served by hanging the creators rather than their creations. Still, patrons seem mysteriously drawn to these exhibits. And they do cover the stains on the meeting room walls.

But sometimes the supply of homegrown Homers evaporates and there is nothing to display. Gouger can help cover those naked spaces. Keep a stock of our Easel Eyesores and you need never run short of the monstrosities your public has come to expect. We will send you an assortment of hideously inept paintings.

Every batch will include the following genres:
*Embarrassing Yet Non-Sexy Nude
*Blurry Country Landscape
*Sad Attempt At Modern Art
*Mawkish Creepy Child
*Unconvincing Bowl of Fruit
*Out of Scale Lighthouse

Just tell us how many you need. For added authenticity, Gouger provides a tasteful "Overpriced" tag with each item.

Item #041-Easel Eyesores-$24.95 per dozen

Thursday, March 29, 2007

She's Momniscient !

Parents often come to the library for help with their children's homework. Sadly, little Elroy is at soccer practice and Mom has no idea what the assignment is about. Mother then becomes angry that the library doesn't know either. After all, we have books. Aren't we a part of the school? This situation is a constant irritant to librarians.

Once again, Gouger has the perfect solution. Since you have to deal with the student's uninformed parent, let them deal with yours. Consider purchasing a friendly Library Mom. Like your real mom, this sweet woman has no background in information services. She can spend clueless hours pleasantly bewildering any parent. Library Mom looks and sounds competent, but she's not. Just like Elroy's mom.

Save yourself valuable hours and endless frustration. Order a handy Library Mom today. Colors may vary.

Item #040-Library Mom-$999 each

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Let the Gouger Games Begin!

We here at Gouger know our customers like to keep current with new technologies. Many libraries now offer computer games to their younger patrons. But commercial games are often violent or of questionable value. Try our Sardonic Simulation Software out with the younger crowd. Gouger Games are often compatible with popular operating systems and installation is simply infandous.

Sardonic Simulation Software lets young people explore exotic locales and introduces them to amazing new concepts. These innovative games can even lead to unexpected learning. Made out of the scratch-resistant metal Ironnick, these discs resist even the roughest handling.

So form a committee today. Then have that committee buy Gouger Brand Software.

Item #039-Sardonic Simulation Software-$29.99 each
Item #039a-Playing Outside Game
Item #039b-Reading a Book Game
Item #039c-Talking to Others Game

Monday, March 26, 2007

Gouger Kids You Not

The success of our Reference Reprint line has inspired us to branch out to other literary fields. We have scoured the globe for children's public domain titles. Smatchet Storybooks contain colorful artwork and short words. These educational books were written by some of the finest mediocrists in the publishing world. And are they tough! Gouger's exclusive Mackle Brand paper can't be torn by tots or begrimed by brats.

Our first Smatchet Storybook is an exciting tale of four orphans who have many adventures. The Stockcar Children Meet the Lady From Social Services is a roller coaster of a tale, full of ridiculous situations and dangerous villains. Children of all ages will love this spine-tingling
tale of bureaucracy and neglect. They will read it all they way to the end to see if the heroes manage to stay together and escape back to the safety of the stockyard.

Item #038-Smatchet Storybook #1-$14.95

Friday, March 23, 2007

Pie 'R' Quiet

Libraries are supposed to be islands of tranquility in a busy world. A peaceful place to read and think. This is, of course, a myth. Your library is often louder than a screaming contest at a jackhammer factory. At Gouger, we feel your professional pain.

Our Library Scientists have formulated the amazing Piehole Plugging Patron Perfume. This product is the solution for cretins who ignore polite requests for quiet. A quick spritz of this harmless fragrance will muzzle any chatterbox for at least an hour. P4 contains an all-natural blend of chemicals and water. It even smells like fresh-baked apple pie.

Enjoy the sweet smell of silence. Order today!

Item #037-Piehole Plugging Patron Perfume-$14.95 each
Item #037a-Deaf Senior Citizen
Item #037b-Screeching Baby
Item #037c-Old Friends Meeting
Item #037d-Giggling Gaggle of Teens

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Gouger Gets Greedy

Gouger is proud to supply libraries with items that they can really use. Our competitors, those other "library supply" companies, are not happy. They accuse us of not being a "legitimate" library catalog. Rather than avoid the issue, Gouger has decided to meet this slander head on.

Here's a product that wouldn't be out of place in those other catalogs. Our Banal Bunco Ballpoints are a set of perfectly ordinary pens. But in the true library vendor spirit, we've jacked the price sky high. Goodness knows, you can't buy pens just anywhere.

Gouger pens are made of plastic. They have black ink. You use them to write on paper.

Here at Gouger we live up to our name.

Item #036-Banal Bunco Ballpoints-$500 per box of 10

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Join the Cachinnation Nation!

Whenever librarians socialize the conversation invariably turns to one subject-ridiculous reference questions. Everyone has their favorite howler to share. If only you could remember them all! Now you can. Gouger is not too proud to present the Silly Questions Logbook. Keep this coriaceous notebook in your desk and you can record that bizarre inquiry while it's still fresh in your mind. This handsome album has ample space to transcribe even the most rambling reference interview. The notes field helps you remember names and details. The sturdy lock keeps your anecdotes discreetly private. As they should be.

The Silly Questions Logbook is a great conversation starter at conventions and library gatherings. Add one to your next order and be the life of the committee.

Item #035-Silly Questions Logbook-$9.95

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Truth is Out There and It's Incomprehensible

Gouger is all about honesty. That's why our newest product will help librarians celebrate the revelation that no one on Earth can decipher government indexing. Our new DVD Unsolved Enigmas of the U.S. Code will absolve and comfort frustrated librarians. Hosted by some washed-up TV star, this revealing documentary hits hard. Gouger reveals how the Code is assembled randomly by drunken monkeys with scissors. Our undercover reporters expose an index calculated by mixing up phone numbers from Washington area cocktail lounges.

You owe it to your people to show this film at your next staff meeting. A great morale booster, this epic makes everyone feel better about their professional skills.

Item #034-Unsolved Enigmas of the U.S Code DVD-$14.95

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Support the Pathetic Arts

Library programs can be a culturally enriching experience for the community. Too bad the community doesn't realize this. Nothing is worse than hosting an event that no one attends. Gouger has a way to assure that local authors, artists, and intellectuals need never realize that no one cares about their life's work. The Mr. Mirage Audience Maker makes sure your speakers never play to an empty house ever again. Just set the tiny Mr. Mirage holographic projector in the ceiling and it's showtime. Using the discreet little controls, you can make your audience respond appropriately to the performance. They even file out at the end. Let hurt feelings be a thing of the past. Only you and Gouger need ever know the truth.

Item #033-Mr. Mirage Audience Maker-$350

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Because the Book Press is Lonely

Are your library's books hard to open? Do your patrons complain they can't make decent photocopies because the new encyclopedia won't lie flat? Reading with both hands prevents the user from eating donuts at the same time. And that's just not right. Tight bindings make it difficult for anyone to get the full value of a book.

Gouger has an ingenious solution for those springy volumes. Try out our handy Book Pull. This little workhorse can tame even the toughest bindings. Just insert the book and press the button. By morning that book will be flatter than an 32AAA bra. The Book Pull is simple to use and folds up for easy storage.

Item #032-Book Pull-$69.99

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Beware the Wrath of the Grapes!

Part of being a librarian is figuring out what books patrons really want. This can be difficult, as patron often mangle titles. Librarians are a kind lot and don't want people to feel foolish when they discover the book's correct name.

Gouger applauds this sense of professionalism. Therefore, we are proud to present our Close Classics Core Collection. These fine volumes contain the same text as the "real" work, but the titles have been adapted to match what patrons actually call the book.

Each volume is bound in handsome "Paperhide" and made to last awhile. Order a set today and never embarrass a patron again. Quantity discounts are available, please inquire.

Item #031-Close Classics Core Collection-$14.95 each
#031a-How to Kill a Mockingbird
#031b-Tequila Mockingbird
#o31c-The Lion, the Witch, and the Werewolf
#031d-A Raisin on the Sun
#031e-Jane Eerie
#031f-The Poisonwith Bible
#031g-The Merchant of Seville
#031h-To Have or Not to Have

Let a Vocation Be a Vacation

Librarians as a rule hate censorship. However, free Internet has spawned an ugly breed of patron. Most librarians are all to aware of the Porno Guys. These shameless creeps spend every day hogging computers and drooling over smut. They don't care who gets a free look, either. In fact, that seems to be part of the fun.

We here at Gouger understand this sensitive subject. We also wonder how these losers get by. Honestly, they never seem to work. Solve your problems with Gouger's innovative Pervert Redirecting Software. The PRS program is superior to any mere filter. Whenever Mr. Lowlife tries to view a site of unmentionable filth, the PRS simply reroutes him to an employment web page. Time after time, site after sleazy site.

Pervert Redirecting Software is PC and Mac compatible and simple to install. Each program is licenced for unlimited use within a library system.

Item #030-
Pervert Redirecting Software-$79.99

Friday, March 09, 2007

Taxes? Step Right This Way, Sir

It's bad enough that librarians have to pay taxes. Librarians everywhere have come to dread Tax Form Time. Angry patrons blame you for their tax troubles. Parades of people stomp up to the staff bellowing "DO YOU HAVE ANY TAX FORMS?". This is despite multiple signs showing the way.

Let's face it. Those signs aren't enough. Like most library signs, they might as well be invisible. Gouger has the solution to end your library's Tax Form Torment. Our tremendously clever Tax Form Exit Sign will make your day. Install this huge twirling neon sign above a back exit and switch it on. "TAX FORMS HERE" it reads as the multi-color script blinks and a colossal arrow points the way. The way out.

And they won't come back in. Our Library Scientists have created a special hypnotic blinking sequence. It mesmerizes patrons into a state of temporary amnesia so there are no angry returns.

The Tax Form Exit Sign takes about five minutes to install and comes with all necessary hardware. Works on all state and federal forms.

Item #029-Tax Form Exit Sign-$49.95

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I'd Like To Buy a Vowel Please

Gouger knows that reference books can be prohibitively expensive. In an effort to help libraries stretch precious funds the newest in our series of Reference Reprints is an amazing bargain. We are the proud importers of that famous zoology resource, Grzmkx Wldlf Ncyclpd. We've removed all the vowels and passed the savings on to you!

This 20 volume set contains lots of pictures and many essays that contain "fact-like" statements. Published in the impoverished Asian nation of Gnrfstn, these books will be an addition to any reference collection. There are lengthy articles on many animals, such as the Sbrn tgr and bnnyrbbt. Children will find the overviews on ppps and ktts pediculous for reports.

Bound in luxurious hmn flsh, this set is guaranteed to be a pc f sht.

Item #028-Grzmkx Wldlf Ncyclpd-$34.95

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Hey, Where'd Everybody Go?

Volunteers can be wonderful people. A good one is a godsend. They can also be a tremendous rectalgia. Well-meaning people think helping out at the library means reading books to adorable tots and chatting about Sandra Brown. When they find out it can mean unpacking 50 grimy cartons of ILLs or wiping barf off all the dinosaur picture books, their community spirit flies right out the reading room window. And this is after you've spent 40+ hours training them.

Never make that miscalculation again! Get yourself a Gouger Volunteer-A-Valuator. Place this handsome scientific-looking gizmo on your desk and switch it on. While you interview your potential helper the VaV scans them for both ability and reliability. This device will raise no suspicion, as it looks like a quaint antique desk toy. Once your volunteer has left, merely remove the report sheet. The VaV will let you know instantly if you've got a dedicated assest or a dawdling ass.

Each Volunteer-A-Valuator comes with instructions and a large supply of report sheets. It's accurate, easy to use, and comes with a 25 year guarantee. Save yourself some headaches today!

Item #027-Volunteer-A-Valuator-$350
Item #027a-VaV Report Sheets-$20 per 100

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Be a Diplomat for the Library

Everyone has their day ruined when some thoughtless bastard rips pages out of a library book. The patron is disappointed. You and your staff are pissed. Even if you can insert pages from another copy, the book is never really the same.

Gouger is here with another product that will quickly pay for itself. Write up a purchase order today for our Brawny Book Dipping Depot. Simply attach the Depot's flexible in/out piping to any sink or spigot. Next, add a squirt of Gouger's concentrated Brawny Book Dip. Then put in as many books as the soaking tub will hold and press the "GO" button. After five minutes the Brawny Buzzer will sound and you're done.

Brawny Book Dip dries immediately on hitting the air and its page-strengthening formula leaves books totally indestructible. No more ripped reference books. Art plates will be intact and not framed on some lowlife's wall. Mr. Vandal will tear all the muscles in his arm apart before he can hurt a BBDD-treated book.

The Brawny Book Dipping Depot includes complete instructions and 10 gallons of Dip. (enough for approximately 250,000 volumes) The machine is lightweight and collapses for easy storage.

Item #026-The Brawny Book Dipping Depot-$1999
Item #026a-Brawny Book Dip-$19.99 per 10 gallons

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Isn't That Elizabeth Taylor Next to the Photocopier?

Your library has long prided itself on being just a little bit better than the rest. It's time to let the world know you run an institution of distinction. Little tiny pencils are acceptable for ordinary libraries, but not yours. The next time your patrons reach for something to jot down a call number, let them find a Gouger writing implement next to the monogrammed scrap paper.

Specifically, a Gouger Classy Little Pen. Diminutive writing tools have long been the standard for patron note taking. But tiny pencils are so common. Keep the tiny writing tradition alive but dazzle your public with unexpected luxury.

Each Classy Little Pen is crafted from some kind of shiny plastic material that looks quite elegant. As an added bonus, Gouger will imprint your library's name in GOLD on each pen at no extra cost. Since we sell the Classy Little Pen at the same price our competitors charge for their mini pencils, there's no reason not to make the switch.

Classy Little Pens come in an assortment of tasteful colors . Be sure to include your message (up to 5 letters) Pen shown actual size.

Item #025-Classy Little Pens-$5.95 per gross