Monday, April 30, 2007

It's Mr. Blizzard's World!

Getting the parking lot plowed has always been a headache for library administrators. Your facility is probably the town's lowest priority in stormy weather. Lower than the street where the town manager's election opponent lives. Before you get in a fruitless debate with another municipal worker, consider Gouger for your snow removal needs.

We've developed a product that's both convenient and fun. Your staff will show up early and fight over who gets to use the Dewey Decimator Snowblower. This user friendly incendiary device will have your parking lot and sidewalks safe and dry in a flash. Literally.

The DDS is simple to operate. No lighters or messy accelerants. Simply point and squeeze the trigger. This fine device is fueled by a combination of confiscated soda and that smelly book glue that the shelvers like to huff.

Gouger can not be held responsible for any hilarious disasters that may occur through careless use of this product. Our staff would love to see the pictures, though.

Item #054-Dewey Decimator Snowblower-$74.95

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Plunging Patron Product Promotes Politeness

Internet access at libraries has become an essential service. Patrons simply love surfing the web. So much so that it has become a problem for many of our customers. People won't give up the computer for anything. Not when someone else is waiting. Not when the library's been closed for 15 minutes. While it's tempting to remove them bodily, lawsuits are a terrible bother.

Gouger is always here for you. Try our Abaddon Computer Chasm for a free 30-day trial. The ACC is so easy to set up. No arduous digging or mechanical ability is necessary. Install the unit under any computer chair and wait for the inevitable stubborn patron. When it's time for Mr. Ignoramus to move on, merely press the remote control and watch the fun. Gouger's extra-springy Scruto Brand Trap Door will plummet your slowpoke down and out of everyone's way. Where do they go? Gouger can't say. But we can say we've never heard of anyone ever coming back. Ladder shown does not extend to within patron's reach and is provided for taunting purposes only.

What are you waiting for? You know you want it.

Item #053-Abaddon Computer Chasm-$999 per unit

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A Book For That Aukward Age

The staff here Gouger is pleased that Children's Librarians the world over have embraced our Smatchet brand storybooks. The critical and professional reviews have been surprisingly favorable. We take great pride in announcing the second title in this endearing series.

Smatchet Storybook #2 is a cautionary tale that shows children the dangers of spheniscan drug abuse. It is the story of a good little penguin who makes a bad choice. The story of Mr. Penquin's Poppers is about a silly bird who wishes he could fly. Some bad Jackass Penguins tell Mr. Penguin that
Amyl Nitrite will help him flap his wings faster. Foolishly, he "goes along with the flock". Mr. Popper tries to fly, but meets only with failure and arrhythmia . In the end his real friend Admiral Byrd helps him quit cold turkey.

This frank book will open a dialogue between adults and children about the dangers of penguins on pep pills. Young readers will appreciate and learn from this well-told story. Adults will enjoy the pictures of stoned penguins.

Item #052-Smatchet Storybook #2-$14.95

Monday, April 23, 2007

Don't Be Saur at Gouger

As many of you know, Gouger Library Supplies has been at the center of a great deal of controversy recently. We wish to apologize to the nation and specifically to the citizens of the City of Pratt Falls. The library staff there recently purchased our Thesaurus Rex and did not read the instruction book. They say they didn't receive one, but they're a pack of damn liars.

We defend our line of safe saurian products. The Thesaurus Rex (Bibliophagist Synonymicon) is a harmless beast when used correctly. As stated in the easy-to-understand-unless you are
-a-careless-idiot booklet, this fine lizard is intended only to provide synonyms and eat vehicles parked illegally in handicapped spaces. Gouger can not be held responsible for the misuse of this wonderful, excellent, superb, fantastic, first-class, outstanding dinosaur.

Gouger is sincerely sorry for the destruction of the Pratt Falls Municipal Building and the resulting panic. We feel the administration of Pratt Falls PL deliberately set the beast upon the City Offices in reaction to recent budget cuts. That's our story and we're sticking with it.

It is our hope that this unfortunate incident will not be held against our company. We look forward to serving the library community for many years. Please direct any inquries on this matter to our attorneys, Solicitorus & Hutzapod.

Item #051-Thesaurus Rex w/Instructions-$1500

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Damn Great Books

Patrons and staff alike love the brilliant artwork and fabulous content of "coffee table" sized books. These oversized volumes have a lot of unpleasant drawbacks, however. As any librarian knows.
  • They are too damn big
  • They are too damn heavy
  • They take up too damn much shelving
  • They cost too damn much
Always the industry innovator, Gouger is now featuring an exciting new type of book. Get all the art, all the beauty, and none of the problems with our Demitasse Dilettante Undersized Art Books. We can reproduce any elephantine volume. Just send us the ISBN and Gouger does the rest. It's that damn simple. Order today.

Volume shown actual size.

Item #050-Demitasse Dilettante Undersized Art Books-$10 each

Monday, April 16, 2007

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 1040-99!

If your library is like most you now have roughly 5,000 boxes of leftover tax forms. Gouger has developed a marvelous way to dispose of these hated documents. Celebrate Spring with our After-Tax Bonfire Bacchanal in a Box. This ready-made party helps your staff unwind after a taxing winter.

Once the sun sets, your party begins. Clear the parking lot, get the tables out of the meeting room, and pile up the tax forms. Then just open the box.

Gouger includes everything you need to make your staff shindig an affair they might even remember :

  • Mockingbird Tequila (1/2 doz. cases)
  • Book Club Club Soda (1 doz. bottles)
  • Ol' Revenuer Root Beer (1/2 doz. cases)
  • Goodbye, Mr. Potato Chips (24 bags)
  • Mary Shelley Frankenfurters (1 gross)
  • Old Card Catalog Rods for Roasting Franks
  • WD-1040 Accelerant and Safety Lighter
  • Extra Large Gouger Logo Comfy Blanket
  • Schedule MP-3 Mini Boom Box
Be sure to save the sturdy plastic shipping box, it makes a dandy ice chest! We ship overnight to assure maximum freshness and flammability. As a special bonus, we've included a life-size replica of Miss Maude Midden, MLS. According to the Gouger Research Team, Maude was the genius who originated tax forms in libraries. Let your staff vent by burning her in effigy.
Loosen up and celebrate! And make sure to invite the volunteers from AARP. Those people are a freakin' godsend.

Item #049-After-Tax Bonfire Bacchanal in a Box-$99.95

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrring 'Em Back, Dead or Alive!

Some patrons never seem to get the message. You can call them, email them, even send them a letter. But they never bring their books back on time. Or ever. In fact, they act like you're the problem. It's just a library book, after all.

Gouger shares your righteous anger. So much so that our Library Scientists have developed an exciting new accessory for our Library GPS System (Item #011). Tocsin's Claxon Chips are tiny little noisemakers that pack a powerful punch . Working in conjunction with the system's Pinpointatron Tracking Software Claxon Chips begin to make noise when an item becomes seriously overdue. The more overdue, the louder they become. And they don't stop until the material is returned.

Just attach a Claxon Chip while processing each item and the Pinpointatron does the rest. To stop the noise from coming in the library, we include a number of deactivators. Simply adhere them at every entrance and bookdrop.

Gouger promise patron promptness will progress positively. Tocsin's Claxon Chips. Negative reinforcement at its best. Order today.

Item #048-Toscin's Claxon Chips-$49.95 per 25,000

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Envelope Please! Gouger Wins Again!

As a professional, a librarian needs to keep up with advances in Interlibrary Loan technology. To fall behind other institutions is just plain embarrassing. So be the first in your ad hoc roundtable committee to use Gouger's time-saving Osteocolla All-Tape ILL Envelopes.

Don't waste time taping and retaping the industry standard scuzzy old envelopes. Chuck them out with a clear conscience and start anew. Achieve that crappy yet thrifty look immediately without all the bother. Gouger's envelopes are constructed of 22 different types of amazingly sticky tape. We guarantee they will never wear out. Your recipient will appreciate your dedication to protecting library materials. Especially when they attempt to open an Osteocolla envelope. And the Osteocolla's powerful adhesives mean staples stay put. You can make lots of staples stay put.

Osteocolla All-Tape ILL Envelopes are the wave of the future. Show those other libraries what you're made of. You're made of TAPE!

Item #047-Osteocolla All-Tape ILL Envelopes-$9.95 per 100

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Perpetually Poor Paraprofessionals and Pages Pullover

Paraprofessionals never get the credit they deserve. In fact, they rarely can get credit of any kind with their salaries. Gouger loves paraprofessionals. So much so that we've added a new item to our Non-Lame T-Shirt line especially for them.

Show the world you're proud of your paraprofession with this fine cottonish T-Shirt. Our shirt proclaims to all - "Paraprofessional : All of the Bullshit-None of the Bucks". Comes in see-through white only. We suggest you enhance the look with a risque black bra. Gouger guarantees you'll be the talk of the library. Especially if you're a man.

Please specify size - X-Small, X-Medium-Bookmoblile

Item #046-Non-Lame Paraprofessional T-Shirt-$5.95

Monday, April 09, 2007

How Do You Find a Word in the Dictionary When You Don't Know How to Spell It?

Wise asses through the ages have annoyed librarians with this tricky question. Always the industry leader, Gouger is quite orgillous to present our newest Reference Reprint. Maintain your professionalism by leading the patron to Shardborn's Concordance to the Dictionary. This merdurinous volume lists every word in the dictionary with the corresponding page number. Never again will patrons be troubled by finding a word and it's spelling. Never again will they bother you with this witty question.

Please specify dictionary title when ordering to get the proper edition of Shardborn's.

Item #045-Shardborn's Concordance to the Dictionary-$59.95 (OED $5.00 extra)

Friday, April 06, 2007

Gouger Pens Make Librarians Use Cursive!

Librarians are busy people. Gouger's mission is to provide products to save our customers valuable time. When you place your next order be sure to include a box of our pre-dried Felt-Jipped Markers.

Why waste time waiting for those other library supplier's markers to dry out? End the suspense and buy them the way they end up anyway. Waste no more precious professional time trying to discover which staff member left the pen caps off again. As an added bonus, Felt-Jipped Markers are just desserts for pen-pinching patrons.

Felt-Jipped Markers come in an assortment of colors. Caps shown are for ornamental purposes only.

Item #044-Felt-Jipped Markers-$5.95 per dozen

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Extremely Essential Enchirdion

Most libraries have a staff handbook to introduce new employees to rules and procedure. But is that really enough? We here at Gouger think NOT. Your innocent new hire needs to know the real deal. As a responsible employer you must purchase our Fiends of the Library manual-making software.

This essential software creates a guidebook to your library's known weirdos, creeps, cranks, and jerks. Other staff won't have to whisper warnings that could be overheard. In a nutshell, Fiends can save the administration a lot of headaches. And calls from the mayor.

The program allows for easy input of names, pictures, behavior, and amusing anecdotes for each loony. The pull-down menus make data entry easy and quick. Once you're done, printing and collating is a breeze. Compatible with Mac, Windows, and TRS-80.

Item #043-Fiends of the Library Software-$24.95

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Build Your Reputation the Gouger Way

Every librarian wants professional recognition. But that can be difficult in a field full of dedicated do-gooders and altruistic know-it-alls. If you can't manage to stand out, your building sure can!

Set your professional sights on a spot in the annual Hideous Architecture Issue of that journal about libraries. Gouger can assure you the fame you deserve with our Throttlebottom Building Plans. Our Library Design Team has examined the past winners for inspiration. We can help you build the most god-awful monstrosity that ever housed a bookcase. Because that's what it takes to win.

Send away today for the plans that will plan your future. Remember, there's no such thing as bad library publicity. Gouger can almost see you on that journal cover.

Item #042-Throttlebottom Building Plans-$49.95 each