Friday, June 29, 2007

Send Your Kids Through the Mill

Now that school is out kids are in the library all day long. Children's librarians are busy with games, events, and story times galore. This is a fantastic situation, but it costs a lot of money. Gouger has developed a clever and low-cost way to help defray expenses.

Kids love the crafts programs libraries offer. Youngsters who spend all day playing computer games jump at the chance to make a dried macaroni mosaic. Up the ante with Gouger's Busy Brat Summer Sweatshop. Each kit contains everything you need to circumvent child labor laws and rake in the bucks.
  • Sew What Junior Sewing Machine - strengthen counting skills with piecework
  • Rugrat Rug Weaver - fun looms large
  • Family Jewels - little hands are perfect for assembling tiny metal pieces
  • Lil' Tike Sneaker Tweaker - Every kid loves sneakers
  • D.O.L.L. - Department of Labor Luller keeps those pesky inspectors in the dark
Kids in China shouldn't have all the summer fun. Order now.

Item #079-Busy Brat Summer Sweatshop-$24.95

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Toot, Toot, Tutor, Goodbye!

Do you hate tutors? Sure, we all do. We know we shouldn't. They probably help kids learn. But you can't help wincing at the sight of one when they swagger into the library and commandeer a table. Next, everyone gets to overhear Little Brattina's math lesson. When asked to curtail their ongoing conversation, look out! Every librarian has gotten the "I'm An EDUCATOR" attitude of moral outrage. Well, la-de-dah. Imagine mere mortals daring to question an educator.

The staff at Gouger has always wanted to ask why they pick the one place in town where everyone knows you're supposed to be quiet to have their yappy little lessons. That doesn't seem very educated. But there's no need to worry about tutors tooting too loudly anymore!

Librarians around the world have come to depend on Gouger's patented Tutor Shooter. Fire troublesome tutors beyond gravity's reach with this powerful launching hardware. The system's six silos come camouflaged as average library chairs. The included Command Post lets you be mission control. When a lesson's volume goes over the acceptable DeafCon level, just push the big red button. And don't worry holes in the library roof. It leaks anyway.

It's the rocket that's a booster for the whole library! Gouger guarantees our Shooter will neuter any tutor and make them an interstellar commuter. Easy to install. Made of pewter.

Item #078-Tutor Shooter-$2399

Monday, June 25, 2007

Librarians! A Call To Arms!

Everyone loves a good library laugh. Gouger is the source for your bibliopractical joking supplies. We're the only library vendor that is intentionally funny. Our newest offering will provide any library worker hours of rollicking laughter.

You're going to love the hilarious Beclapping BOOkdrop! Adapt any existing bookdrop with Gouger's simple-to-install Limb O' Laughs. Then everytime someone uses the drop the Limb 'O Laughs will dart out and scare the pants off them. (Actual debagging not guaranteed) Control the action with the Joystick or run the unit on automatic. Check out some of BOB's sidesplitting settings :
  • Library Lunge
  • Goosie Goosie Hander
  • Evil Menacing Claw of Humor
  • Wave Bye-Bye
  • Assorted Rude Jestures
After patrons get over their surprise, they'll laugh right along with the staff. Soon, people will begin to frequent your branch just use it. Watch as they set up their friends! Your circulation stats and door counts will go up-up-up! Honestly, it's just the best.

Laugh your way to popularity and success with this swell new prank. It's a real shot in the arm.

Item #077-Beclapping BOOkdrop-$24.95

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Public Poition #9

Homeless patrons have long been an issue in Libraryland. Librarians believe strongly in everyone's freedom to access information. They also believe that if Crazy Pete doesn't take a bath soon they're going to heave all over the circ desk. It's a dilemma and librarians are stuck in the middle.

Especially when a house-holding citizen makes a worse kind of stink about "those people" being in the library. Mrs. Callous loudly complains about some poor bastard taking a catnap in the reading room. Here at Gouger, we believe silence is golden. Think about who's making the noise.

Most homeless people cause no problem. They want to rest, read, surf the net, and be left alone. Sure, some are smelly, crazy, or weird. So are many of your "homeplus" users. They add or subtract no more from the library ambiance than people with a roof over their heads.

The next time Mr. Real Citizen bellows that Princess Cheryl From the Plant Venus is disturbing him by looking bizarre dispense some Gouger Empathy Drops nearby. Within a few seconds this fast-acting elixir will remind Mr. C that it's not a crime to be poor or different.

Gouger Empathy Drops. A liquid reminder that all good people are welcome in the House of the Books.

Item #076-Gouger Empathy Drops-$9.95

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Get Out of Deadwood By Sundown

Popular books are a mixed blessing for libraries. Patrons come into the building hoping to borrow a red-hot title. But those books are never going be checked in. Any current best seller has a waiting list a mile long. You hate to have a potential reader leave disappointed.

Now they never have to. Gouger has a great way to keep the public happy and breathe new life into your collection's deadwood. It's so simple, it's brilliant. Try out our new Booklust Worst Seller ListMaker. Create an credible looking poster with this user-friendly program. Just input the unpopular books of your choice and the software does the rest. Then print and display the authentic-looking book list.

Push your personal choices, too. Never again discard an old favorite that doesn't go out. Scour the stacks for the weird, obscure, and overlooked. Make a display! Patrons will love having such highly touted books available immediately.

Barbara Blacksheep of the Nostril Ridge Free Library got these pathetic books circulating :
  • Ageless Nonsense, Mindless Body by Seekspak Choprah
  • Leadership the Emperor Norton Way by Joshua Norton
  • Burqa? I Don't Even Know Her by Chador Giaour
  • It's Just a Big Gun, It Doesn't Mean ANYTHING by Tom Clancy
  • The Ridges of Maudlin County - by R. J. Walleye
  • The Prolific Ice Queen - Danyell Steal
If she can make these turkeys fly, yours can too. Order today and get some old blood running through your Circulation soon. (PC, Mac and Eniac compatible)

Item #075-Booklust Worst Seller ListMaker-$34.95

Monday, June 18, 2007

This 'Berry is Sweet

Librarians, you're going to love Gouger's newest tech toy. Our Library Scientists have created a Personal Digital Assistant just for you. Regular PDAs just don't have the special features that a Gouger Liberry PDA has. Get all that the others have plus all this :
  • Budget Retrogressor - monitors the erosion of funds by library spending and municipal plundering
  • Nickname Generator - creates hilarious descriptive monikers for notorious patrons
  • Microwave & Refrigerator Filth Meter - levels from clean to carrion
  • Board Member Detector - advance warning of untrusting trustees
  • Ad Hoc Diversions - 150 fun games for boring meetings
  • Internet Interferer - mystify unpleasant users with random computer problems
  • Where's Waldo Spotter - always find Waldo before some annoying little whiz kid
  • Mope Monitor - tracks the loafer level in the library

You'll wonder how you ever did without this wonderful organizer and amusement device. The Liberry is the must-have item for the information age librarian. Don't settle for MLesS!

Item #074-Liberry PDA-$74.95

Friday, June 15, 2007

Reference With Multiple Personality

The Research Staff here at Gouger is enjoying a bit of schadenfreude over the success of Reference Reprints. Our competitors persist in marketing "new" and "annual" editions of their products. All they do is update a few current topics and slap on some new cover art.

With a Gouger book, librarians know they are purchasing a reference standard. Our company is staffed by real librarians. Not a pack of slick-talking grifters pushing a book you own 97% of already. Here at Gouger we love to see the competition twist in the wind.

Twist they will when they see the title Gouger has resuscitated. We bought the remaining stock of Sybil MultiPersonal Publishing. This innovative company was well known for their "choose your own adventure" children's books. Branching out with this disjointed format was a bold but ultimately unsuccessful venture.

The Encyclopedia Splittanica offers a wealth of scholarly essays and ready reference for the patient user. This massive 30 volume set is divided into multiple parts :
  • vols. 1-23 - Waytoomuchopedia
  • vols. 24-25 - Waytoolittleopedia
  • vols. 25-29 - Wee Print Index
  • vol. 30 - Overlook of Unread Knowledge
Sure, the Encyclopedia Splittanica is a pain in the nips to navigate. Gouger's low price makes it worth the bother. Handsomely bound in real leather, it at least looks impressive on the shelf. If you have perseverance and a crappy budget order a schizophrenic set today.

Item #073-Encyclopedia Splittanica-$24.95

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Hit Your Patrons Over the Head With a Club

Summer will be here soon. It's time to crank up the AC and put up a display of trashy paperbacks for the beach crowd. But what of your most loyal patrons who never decrease their voracious book consumption? It's these fine readers who keep the circulation statistics high. If only you could reward them for their helpful hardcover habits. Maybe there's even a way to attract more of these bookworm types into your library.

You can do both! Gouger's annual Grownup Reading Game is the only summer reading program designed just for adults. Every kit includes all the instructions and supplies needed for a successful summer of reading and rewarding.

And such rewards! Mature patrons will devour the collection to earn Gouger prizes.
  • Dinners for two at the Red Lobster of Courage
  • Joyce Carol Oatesmeal facial scrubs at NYT Day Spa
  • Free admission to any Angela's Asses Gentlemen's Club
  • 6-packs of Rita Mae Brown Ale (Sneaky Pie Flavored)
  • Gift certificates to Sylvia Browne's Crackpottery Barn
  • Tickets to Full Frontal Fiction Night
    • Danielle Steel vs. Jackie Collins
    • Sandra Brown vs. the Corpse of Barbara Cartland
Every kit comes with report sheets and charts that easily track each reader's progress. The attractively sleazy posters, coasters, badges, and bookmarks will grab the patron's attention and have them signing up in packs. Make summer fun and keep those grownups reading. Why should kids get all the goodies?

Item #072-Grown Up Reading Game-$159.95

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Callipygous Cure Conquers Conundrum

Summer's coming and librarians know what that means. Book circulation will begin to seriously decrease. Many of your best readers are outside or on vacation. As a result, the shelves are jam- packed with books. The shelvers have resorted to checking out carts of nonfiction and storing the books in trunks of their cars.

Cure your sardine-can storage problem with Wedgie Brand Rubber Shelving. Developed by the noted library scientist Melvin Mantel MLS, these pliant bookshelves have plenty of "give". You'll be amazed by how many books your underpaid staff can cram onto the shelves. Made of melted bookmobile tires , a Wedgie will spring back to its original shape once circulation picks up again.

There's always room for one more with Gouger's galluptious Wedgie Brand Rubber Shelving. So give your staff a Wedgie and write out a purchase order now. Gouger is not responsible for amusing accidents involving flying books or bouncing people.

Item #071-Wedgie Brand Rubber Shelving-$150 per twelve foot section

Friday, June 08, 2007

I'm My Own Grand(pa/ma)

The modern child faces situations that their parents never had to experience. The definition of what constitutes a "family" has changed drastically in recent years. Gouger's Smatchet Storybook # 3 helps to explain often confusing concepts in a non-judgemental and gentle way.

Keep your picture book collection up to date with Daddy's Roommate is One of Heather's Two Mommies. This critically vituperated tale explains gender confusion and litigation with simple words and funny pictures . Kids will cheer on the little protagonist during the entertaining custody battle. Never again will young readers ask "Aunt Ralph, what's a restraining order?". This compelling tome will begin a dialogue that is both healthy and extremely silly.

Smatchet Storybooks - the finest in politically correctional juvenile bibliotherapy. A Gouger Library Supplies Exclusive Literary Line O' Books.

Item #070-Smatchet Storybook #3-$14.95

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Roll Out the Students, We'll Have a Bookdrop of Fun

If your library is located close to a school, chances are your building is invaded by little hellions every weekday afternoon. This wouldn't be so bad if Judy and Elroy were visiting to make use of the facility.

But they aren't. Goodness knows the staff has tried to accomodate them with programs and homework help. No dice, MLS. The little ingrates hang around outside scaring the other patrons away. Screaming and fighting and pushing and swearing and sassing the staff. The library is a hangout until Mom and Pop bother to come fetch them.

Gouger often recieves inquires on how to deal with this ghastly problem. And we've developed a solution. As soon as the daily Gang of Gamins start blocking the doorway and acting up, crank up Gouger's DisConcert Polka Party! This powerful wireless sound system plays an endless loop of music that will embarrass even the most brazen little monster. After all, it's hard to "chill" and look cool to an accordion medley.

Gouger guarantees they'll scatter before the second chorus of "Who Stole the Kishke?".

Item #069-DisConcert Polka Party-$59.95

Monday, June 04, 2007

Why, It's Just Like Being There!

Thanks to all the services libraries now offer online many of your most devoted patrons never enter the building. Here at Gouger we believe they are missing out on the complete library experience. Recreate that unique bibliographic ambiance for them with our Virtual Jerk.

This pioneering software package is easily integrated into your existing web page. When patrons access your site, Virtual Jerk will randomly appear and perform variety of irritating tasks. Online users will believe they really are in a library when this lovable pest annoys them by:
  • yapping on his cell phone
  • whistling while he works his way across the monitor
  • snap, snap, snapping some gum
  • letting his digital offspring run and scream
  • cutting the cheese
  • trying to tell them about Virtual Jesus
  • propositioning them for sex
  • engaging in a bit of lalochezia
  • whispering just loud enough to be distracting
Virtual Jerk is so realistic it's almost eerie. Just like the real thing. Only from Gouger.

Item #068-Virtual Jerk-$24.95
(PC, Mac, or Heathkit)