Saturday, September 29, 2007

Gouger's Got Your Mojo

Evil supernatural forces have begun to invade public libraries everywhere! Authors known to have died years ago eerily continue to publish from beyond the grave! This unholy situation needs your professional attention before these spawns of Hell overcome fiction collections with their literary carrion.

Ward off the literary undead with Gouger's Ghost Writer Gris-Gris Grab Bag. This sack of powerful magic amulets will keep even the most persistent author in the grave and decomposing. Robert Ludlum just penned a best seller despite having perished in 2001. The books of V.C. Andrews appear regularly from the great beyond. Protect your library from the resurrection of these infernal bebeloglyphics!

Each velvet grab bag contains the necessary amulets and charms to exorcise all known types of unnaturally immortal authors:
  • Crucifix made of two of those useless bamboo newspaper rods
  • Old card catalog rod stakes for driving into blackened hearts of the undead
  • 220's brand Holy Water (1 gallon)
  • Torches and pitchforks for distribution to angry village readers
  • Incantations to repel zombie writers (Sample : Chant "Our Souls Read Novels" three times fast)
Keep the Undead unread with this quality Bag of Lucky Charms. They're magically fictitious.

Item #107-Ghost Writer Gris-Gris Grab Bag-$46.95

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Librarians are Wildcats

Hey Library Directors! Are you sick of the bullies over at the School Department looting your budget? Every year without fail they spend their money like drunken sailors on shore leave. And every year the town decides to cover this spending spree out of the library's money. As famed rebel B. Bunny would say, "Of course you know, this means war!".

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we couldn't agree more. And we're here to supply you with the tools you'll need to get back what's rightfully yours. Purchase our Town Pump Budget Siphon and never worry about pillaging educators again. This simple-to-install Revenue Rig requires very little space. Urban libraries can even set it up on a rooftop. No special tools or digging required.

Once you turn the TPBS on it immediately goes to work, slowly pumping all the library's funds back to you. Once you've topped up your treasury, you can ever drill for a little extra. Think of the mind boggling possibilities of a well-funded library. It's not just a crazy dream anymore. Order today.

Item #106-Town Pump Budget Siphon-$499

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Amazing Breakthrough in the Library Sciences!

As librarians ourselves, we here at Gouger know how much librarians strive to serve all of the community. All true professionals will therefore be thrilled to know that our Research Team has uncovered a previously undefined demographic class. We are proud to announce the discovery of the Old Adult User Group.

It is our hope that this breakthrough will open an entire new field in the Library Sciences. Every library will someday have an Old Adult section with Old Adult genre literature staffed by the OA Librarian. Think of the possibilities to serve this neglected and overlooked population. Here at Gouger we certainly have been. It is our corporate mission to make boatloads of money off of this.

Until Library Schools start churning out OA Specialists, we encourage you to invest in our Old Farter Starter Kit. The materials in this fine kit will help any size library get started in providing quality Old Adult Services. The kit centers on the manual which describes the many different materials that make up a proper Old Adult Collection.
  • Novels with no sex, violence, or cursing
  • World War II histories
  • Anything published by Prevention, Reader's Digest, or Yankee Magazines
  • DVDs of "classic" films and TV shows
  • Reference books on pills and the ingestion thereof
Yes, you'll be ready to be an infotainment innovator with this fine kit. But wait, there's more! This user group provides some unique challenges. To help your staff better help the Old Adult, Gouger's got the supplies.
  • Hearing Aid High Pitched Whine Blocker
  • Signs With Really Large Print
  • List of Talking Points
    • "Why Life Was Better Back Then"
    • "What IS This Internet Thing, Anyway?"
    • "Your Homely Grandchild is a Wonder"
    • "Do You Know Who Died This Week?"
Wake up the fossils in your town and fill your library with the bellowing conversation of Old Adults. Maybe if they really like the library, they'll leave you a little something. Wink, Wink.

Item #105-Old Farter Starter Kit-$34.95

Friday, September 21, 2007

Our Town

The majority of municipalities have very little in the way of recorded history. Ken Burns rarely produces a 10-part PBS series with an accompanying book on communities whose claim to fame is a defunct herring factory. Sure, your town has a history. But it's so boring and nondescript no one ever wrote it down. When schoolchildren come in with local history projects, your staff sends them to interview the nice old man who dozes near the magazines. He remembers when the herring factory was still open.

All that is about to change. Every Nowheresville and Dungburg can have an impressive set of municipal history volumes. Gouger is pleased to offer the Gene Eric Ananias Local History Series. Mr. Ananis is renowned historian and malefactor of the arts. Just fill in the detailed questionnaire and mail us a few pictures. We'll ask you for local names, dates, landmarks, and other junk about your town. Then we weave it into an psuedoplausible chronicle of your corner of the Earth. Bound in beautiful antique leather, the rich appearance adds to the illusion of authenticity.

Since all history is more or less made up, don't fret about accuracy. After all, if no one has bothered to write a history of your little Dullsville yet, it's unlikely they'll start now. History buffs and students alike will hail this newly discovered primary document. Make history (literally) with Gouger.

Item #104-Gene Eric Anaias Local History Series-$89.95 per 100 pages

Thursday, September 20, 2007

You Give Me Femur

Your library spends a fortune on books. Naturally, you want them to look their very best when they hit the shelves. So, don't skimp when selecting processing supplies. The best in literature ends up looking like crap when you employ substandard materials. Other library vendors sell "bones" to smooth book jackets. Unless there is an animal with a plastic skeleton somewhere, those hucksters are ripping you off. Again.

Gouger's Costa Bone Folder is made from genuine Patron femurs. Collected exclusively for us, these body parts are harvested from annoying but otherwise healthy patrons. This professional tool will put a permanent crease in any material, even leather, skin, or steel. Unlike other "bones" ours have no rounded end. Each end of a Costa is crafted into a razor-sharp point. This is especially useful if you get called to cover lunches at the Circulation Desk.

Item #103-Costa Bone Folder-$10.95 a pair

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Won't Someone Ridicule the Children?

No one has an average child anymore. Every little Judy and Elroy is "gifted" now. The fact that their offspring quite unexceptional escapes many an adoring parent. This is as it should be. It only becomes a problem when Mom and Dad expect the rest of the world to share in their bizarre delusions.

Children's librarians know this only too well. Pushy parents insist that their 2-year-old is so advanced that the child must be admitted into a program for children twice its age. To suggest otherwise would be utter blasphemy. This, despite the fact that the young Brattina doesn't seem to have mastered the concept of not pooping her pants.

Gouger exploits this parental tunnel vision with our comical QuoteRag ToteBag. Made just for librarians of sturdy pink alpaca, this daring carryall bears the bold legend : "Your Kid Ain't Gifted. He's Barely Present." Gouger dares you to bring it to work. Double dare.

Item #102-QuoteRag ToteBag-$14.95

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Flunk the Test of Time With Gouger

Other vendors offer a gazillion different archival products to protect the library's precious treasures. Hurray for them, but big whoop. What about all the worthless literary garbage that makes up so much of the modern library collection? It piles up quicker than you can weed it, threatening to collapse the shelving. Preserve it? Deacidify it? Are you nuts?

Here at Gouger we think outside the book drop. Speed up the deterioration of trashy novels, fad diets, and other printed garbage with our Good Riddance Acid Base. Simply dip the books you loathe in the vat and wait. They will wither into crumbly little pieces within a year. That's a Gouger guarantee.

Each kit comes with a dipping vat made of strengthened Brasswipe, an alloy of brass and pencil shavings that can withstand any acid. The pinchy book tongs are also constructed of this miracle metal. As an added bonus, we'll include enough dipping solution to keep pace with the combined output of Danielle Steel, Harlequin Romances, and James Patterson! Imagine your joy as the works of these authors and others like them slowly rot before your very eyes. Physically, we mean.

Item #101-Good Riddance Acid Base-$99.95