Thursday, January 31, 2008

Send in the Clones

Teachers. They know nothing of libraries. Every year without fail they will assign 500+ hapless students the same book. Of course, the library owns a maximum of 3 or 4 copies of this title. And 2 of those are probably missing. Naturally, angry parents blame the library for this silly state of affairs. You people have books! Aren't you a part of the schools? What kind of idiot runs this place, anyway? Sigh.

You're the idiot who runs this place. So stop taking crap for educator incompetence with a Gouger Reprobater Replicator Book Cloner. This fabulous machine will endlessly duplicate copies of any in-demand book, cover and all! Merely place a copy in the machine, set the controls for number of books needed, and close the cover. The RRBC can clone an Animal Farm in about a minute; a Clan of the Cave Bear in about three. It's that simple. Simple as a teacher.

And never worry about copyrights. Gouger's Research Team has discovered that this machine is scientifically impossible. Our Evil Cabal o' Lawyers has therefore determined that it is not possible to sue a paradox. So don't be afraid of cranking out 200 copies of The Catcher in the Rye. Natalie Attired of the Hircine Hills County Library declares "I don't even barcode 'em. They never come back anyway. And it's so easy to make more"! You too will enjoy this devil-may-care attitude when your library has a Reprobater Replicator Book Cloner.

Item #154-Reprobater Replicator Book Cloner-$395

Monday, January 28, 2008

Catch of the Day

For a child a library building is a huge and wondrous playhouse. The long aisles practically beg a kid to make a joyful screaming run for it. The shelving is perfect for a merry game of hide and seek. Every day little brats go flying about the library squealing with naughty delight. Mom and Dad? Nowhere in sight. They're across the library surfing the Internet. Or picking out some asinine movie. But when you dare suggest little Judy and Elroy stop tear-assing around, they're sure to get all huffy and mad. What to do?

Ensnare those rapidly racing rug rats with Gouger's handy Brat Trap. This sturdy mesh net is so simple to install. Merely place it in the desired location and set the invisible trip wire. Kids can race in but they can't race out. And the large capacity means you won't be emptying it all the time. The BT can hold an average library's daily catch of unsupervised hellions. And it's so fun to watch. Catch and release? It's your call. Order now. Operators are lonely.

Item #153-Brat Trap-$149.95

Friday, January 25, 2008

Don't Be Full of IT

The children's game of Tag provides an insightful analogy to the adult working world. Everyone playing runs around all confused and there's lots of yelling and no direction. But most of all everybody tries to avoid being "IT". Because when you're IT, you've gotten tagged and now you suck. Others flee from you. In the grownup world that means you're stuck with some horrid task that everyone else has dumped. Budget Focus Group? You're IT! Revising the staff handbook by next week? You're IT! AND NO TAG BACKS!

Never be the "IT" Girl again with Gouger's patented Librarian Pocket Goo. You remember Goo. When you're touching Goo you can never, ever be IT. Powerful stuff to have and Gouger's got it. Our Goo you provides magical immunity in any professional situation where others attempt to pawn off their crapwork off on you. We can't show you this mysterious item, but rest assured it's the best Goo money can buy. So play nice and buy some now.

Item #152-Librarian Pocket Goo-$9.95

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Play Misty For Me

It's winter time again and all the library windows are shut tight. The heat is cranked up high and fresh air is just a silly fantasy. This is when the library's more mephitic patrons really become an issue. There's just no chance of escape from the trapped-indoors odors of the hygienically challenged. Eyes begin to water. Hold back those dry heaves!

There's no need to wretch any longer. Stop this smelly problem before it kills you with a Gouger Misting Security Arch. Strategically install these fine devices over each library entrance. Since they look like a regular "beeping" exit arch, they blend in with any library decor. Each entering patron is treated with an barely perceptible full-body spray. The Misting Security Arch arrives at your door fully assembled and ready deodorize the masses. As an added bonus, we've included an extra 10 gallons refill of our Downwind Brand destinkifying Misting Solution.

It's the arch that's unscented from heaven! Order immediately, because summer ain't gonna be any better.

Item #151-Misting Security Arch-$895

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Hey Hey! We're the Monkeys!

It is a proven fact that telephone salespeople are responsible for more librarians dying of boredom than professional meetings. Once they get you on the phone a library salesman can blather for decades about whatever overpriced crap they have to sell. If you hang up, they call back. If you tell them to go to hell, they just laugh. You begin to fear there is no escape.

Don't cry. Not only will Gouger never employ telemarketers, we sell just the thing to help you torment the firms that do. Since there is no way to shut them up, let the innovative Phone Monkey waste their time. As soon as some huckster starts gibbering, hand the receiver over to this adorable simian. Playful Phone Monkeys produce an assortment of realistic human sounds that mimic conversation. Some telegrifters have stayed on the line for hours!

Retribution was never so cute or so much fun! Patrons love monkeys and librarians hate salespeople. It's win-win. Order today and get a free traditional little monkey fez.

Item #150-Phone Monkey-$99.95

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Do You Want to Put this Dance on Your Visa Card, Sir?

Be a winner in the War Against Cell Phones! Gouger Library Supplies has a hilarious new weapon to vanquish the evil Phone Yapping Moron Patrons (Pymps). Asking a Pymp to take their calls elsewhere only leads to dirty looks and being ignored. Since you have to listen to inane personal conversations, why not join in? Talking loud in a community space obviously means it must be a participatory event.

This fine bit of logic justifies the purchase of a Bucci Phone Fiddler. Developed by the prominent Library Scientist Dr. A. Bucci, the Phone Fiddler lets you join in any cell phone conversation. Just think of the possibilities! Your witty commentary will spice up any conversation your thick-as-a-plank Pymp may be having. Can't think of anything clever to say? Every Phone Fiddler has a treasure trove of hysterical pre-recorded quips and insults. Just push the button and prepare to laugh.

But wait, there's even more! Through the brilliant research of Dr. Bucci, you can chose from hundreds of uproarious background noises to add excitement to any Pymp's important conversation. The Transgendered Strip Club with the Friendly Lap Dancers audio scenario was a great favorite in the testing phase. The easy-to-use Phone Fiddler will change the way libraries approach cell phone users. And it's snazzy lookin', too. Bless you, Dr. Bucci!

Item #149-Bucci Phone Fiddler-$37.95

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Read Slow Your Book

The State of Rhode Island has proud tradition of being the preferred setting for classic children's books. This tiny wonderland has been the dream destination for generations of storybook readers. Gouger's Smatchet Storybook series is happy to add yet another title to this magical literary heritage.

Readers of all ages will love There's a Wocket in Woonsocket, newly discovered among the papers of beloved author Dr. Zeus. The young protagonist encounters delightful creatures as he travels around the Ocean State. The Wocket is a beast that spouts silly backwards rhymes that seem vaguely French. He is joined by other funny fellows like the Wapponaug from Apponaug, the Chucket from Pawtucket, and Awful Leech of Oaklawn Beach . Together they all climb magical Baloney Hill in Olneyville where they have a delicious lunch at the New York System. Yummy.

All Children's Librarians will want to order multiple copies of what is sure to become a beloved story time favorite. It's more fun than the Big Blue Bug.

Item #148-Smatchet Storybook #6-$14.95

Gouger's Gotz the Botz

Aren't those wheeled step stools sold by other library vendors great? They stay firmly in place when stepped on. They're lightweight, sturdy, and affordable. Pity you can never find one when you need one. No matter how many are placed around the building they are always somewhere else. By the time you locate one and drag it back, you've forgotten what you needed to reach in the first place. So, you continue to buy additional step stools to put around the library. A vicious circle develops.

Gouger is here to help. You'll only need a few of our new and improved StepBotz Brand Step Stools. We've taken a beloved library standard and enhanced it beyond belief. That's because StepBotz come when you call them! Whenever you need a ladder, merely whisper "StepBot" and one will race to your feet within seconds. (StepBotz do not respond to shouting) StepBotz have built-in sensors to prevent intentional collisions. And after hours, nothing is more fun than a staff StepBotz race. These little guys can really haul.

Each StepBotz comes complete with an energy-efficient overnight recharger. Buy a precious few for your library today. Order before the end of the month and Gouger will imprint your library's name on each purchase.

Item #147-StepBotz Step Stool-$49.95

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Kids Like Us, Baby We Were Born to Read

Gouger's line of Non-Lame Library T-Shirts have been a huge success. Librarians everywhere love to wear these cutesy-free garments on their days off. Some are even brave enough to wear them to work. This type of courage makes us proud to take your money.

For these inspirational professionals, we are pleased offer yet another trendy bit of library apparel. Feast your eyes on this pre-shrunk cotton shirt which boldly proclaims many a librarian's philosophy of human existence : "This Sucks - Gimme a Book!". Wow. Deep.

Be the envy of all literate library lads and ladies. Don a Gouger Garment and let the world know you have enough money to buy a T-shirt with funny words on it. Librarians Rule! Please specify size : (X-Small, X-Medium, Branch Library)

Item #146-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

Friday, January 11, 2008

It's a Library Thing

As a Library Professional, do you long to break the rules? You know you do. Gouger has just the product to provide the cheap thrills you crave. If your library is like most, you've been warned to not to even think of touching a thermostat. In fact, the damn things are probably locked. It doesn't matter if there's icicles on the periodicals or the shelvers keep spontaneously combusting. It's just not allowed. It's a Library Thing.

Entertain your inner rebel with our new Thermostat Twiddler. This tiny stealth device instantly changes the library's temperature at your whim. Enjoy the comfort that you've yearned for. Or adjust the climate for your personal amusement. Think of the evil delight the next time some obnoxious group occupies the meeting room. Roast 'em or deep freeze 'em? One than the other? The choice is all yours.

Small enough to hide in the palm of your hand, the Thermostat Twiddler is a wondrous gadget for any MLS. And it's so simple to use! Just set the temperature you desire, point and click. Gouger Library Supplies. We're the source for sneaky library fun.

Item #145-Thermostat Twiddler-$14.95

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Duck Goes "Quack Quack"

Gouger's Remainders of the Day series is honored to announce the addition of a groundbreaking medical title! Unlike so many authors who promise instant health using "natural" methods and theories, our newest book is boringly scientific. It's full of sound, if non-miraculous, medical research and advice. According to the doctors who authored Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You To Die From, keeping healthy involves assorted unpleasantries and few guarantees. It's a conspiracy!

These brave authors have banded together to expose a tedious plot of employing scientifically tested medicines and procedures. Unlike the healing wisdom of the ancients, these methods are constantly changing to produce a more effective cure. They are expensive, scary, and often don't succeed. No pretty crystals, no seven herbs and spices. Sure it sucks. Aromatherapy is much nicer than chemotherapy.

Only Gouger has the guts to publish the ugly truth. Get this shocking book for your collection while the authors are still out on bail. It's all a frame-up by the homeo, osteo, psycho, and other pathic establishment.

Item #144-Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You To Die From-$24.95

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Every Little Bit Helps

The etymology of the word "underfunded" reveals its deep roots in the Library Sciences. Unda is the ancient Farsi word for "get bent" and fyndead is Olde Welsh for "library budget". As you can see, the relationship between poverty and libraries is an ancient one. And it's not one that's going to change any time soon, sister, You need every penny you can get your book-buying mitts on and Gouger is here to help.

Chuck out your library's crappy old chairs and replace them with Gouger's plush Pickpocket Peculator Armchair. These super-comfy chairs just beckon patrons to sit down and relax a while. That's when Gouger's secret weapon comes into play. P.P. chairs are designed at a subtle angle that quietly tips the contents of the user's pockets right into a secret compartment. A well-hidden tray underneath captures all the treasure. After closing, simply remove the tray and ta-dah! Funds galore. Make up a story. You got a grant.

These luxurious chairs will pay for themselves in less than 6 months. Another fine product with the famous Gouger guarantee. Please specify color.

Item #143-Pickpocket Peculator Armchair-$149 per pair

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Igor! Fetch Me the Reader's Guide!

Gouger Library Supplies has always been proud of our desipient line of merchandise for the discerning Library Professional. Our customers hold many important-sounding degrees in the Library Sciences. Ergo, they are scientists. And as scientists, Librarians deserve the help that other scientists have employed for centuries.

That's right. Be the first librarian in your consortium to have their very own Gouger Evil Laboratory Assistant! These quality henchmen live to do your every bibliographic bidding. Pesky patrons? Belligerent board? Monsterous meeting? Let your own personal Igor loose with the boiling oil and unholy monsters. You'll wonder how you ever got along without them. Their malevolent laughter and depraved eagerness to help will brighten your workday for eons to come. That's a Gouger guarantee.

So whether you plan global library domination or just want to finish your paperwork uniterrupted for a change, you'll love having an Evil Laboratory Assistant to lend a hand. Please specify male/female/whatever's scariest. Colors may vary.

Item #142-Evil Laboratory Assistant-$1500

Thursday, January 03, 2008

The Silence of the Damns

Shut Up, Shut Up, Dammit to Hell Shut Up! No matter what you do your library has a decibel level that rivals a Who concert. You spend your workday reinforcing every librarian stereotype in the world. Do you despise scolding thoughtless morons all day? Gouger is proud to add another item to our fine range of patron muting products.

You will appear as the very essence of civility when you set out a dish or two of our imported Omerta Brand Mints. These quality candies cause a refreshing case of temporary speechlessness. They freshen the breath while shutting the mouth. Buy a ton or more and Gouger will throw in a dozen free Crystalastic candy dishes. They look great in with any library decor.

Take the Harpocratic Oath today with some delicious Omerta Brand Mints. We like to call them Contentmints. Place your order today.

Item #141-Omerta Brand Mints-$4.95 per 100 lb bag

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Now About These Fines, Lady

Working at the Circulation Desk means dealing with the public. And dealing with the public means stress. Circulation staff are famous in the profession for painful ulcers, stress disorders, and uncontrollable weeping. If only there were some kind of therapeutic tool to help them cope with the repressed fury they struggle to control. Gouger has the tool that will do all that and more.

We've combined the traditional date-due stamp with a fearsome wooden mallet. You can almost see the catharsis happening with each checkout. Your circ staff will love pounding out their frustrations a couple of hundred times a day. As an added bonus, the mere presence of these hefty hammers pares patron pushiness by a prodigious percentage! Made of sturdy hardwood and reinforced with iron bars, the easy-to-use Patron Piledriver is a quality dating item. Make it the stamp of choice for your Circulation Gang.

Item #140-Patron Piledriver-$23.95 per pair