Gouger Library Supplies

Here's the Story of Lovely Library...

2009-08-08T17:28:00.006-04:00

The average workday of a librarian is a surreal journey through a bizarre alternate universe. The library world has it's own strange logic; situations that would cause hysterics in the outside world barely raise an eyebrow here. Describing the job to people outside the library field frequently causes shocked expressions followed by gales of laughter. They can't believe it. Libraries are genteel refuges of quiet where one contemplates Shakespeare. Right.

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we have long felt this quirky literary wonderland would make a fantastic setting for a situation comedy. All the necessary elements are already in place; an eccentric staff, wacky neighbors, money troubles, misguided romance, farcical misunderstandings and bratty children. Top it all off with an endless stream of screwball visitors and you've got the makings one funny TV show. All you need is a catchy theme song and guest appearances by Karen Valentine and John Davidson.

Gouger can't put your library on network TV. Only Hollywood or the police can do that. But you can have the next best thing with our amazing new Library Laugh-Back Track! This compact and easy-to-use device will supply your already TV-like existence with the snickers, guffaws, and dacrygelosis that have always been so noticeably lacking.

This wonder was invented by that eminent Mad Library Scientist, Mr. Bibliophage Sardonicus (ED, MLS, Phd, C3P0). His Library Laugh-Back Track utilizes the naturally horrid acoustic of every library building to easily bring laughter into every nook and cranny. Everyone in the library will feel like a TV star!

Celebrate and enjoy the unique zaniness that is the library. Purchase our Library Laugh-Back Track and start reaping the sidesplitting benefits of an even weirder workplace. No installation required; takes two 9-volt batteries (included).

Item #219-Library Laugh-Back Track-$49.95

Give In to Library Depression

2009-06-07T11:06:00.011-04:00

Every librarian wants their book displays to be tidy and attractive. Patrons seem magically drawn to well-stocked shelves of books placed conveniently in their path. Likewise, your hand picked assortment of mysteries featuring cats or fishing with dynamite books will be ignored when the bookcase is a half-empty mess.

But, you've been so busy. The library has been a madhouse, half the staff has been laid off, and you've got professional meetings up the wazoo. There just isn't time to check and fill the display ten times a day. Don't worry, 'cause Gouger's always got what librarians need.

We've decided to revive a classic product from the 1930s. There's no need to worry when you've got our wondrous Self-Fulfilling Book Display. This Really Great Depression book case is so easy to use. Just pull the desired books from the stacks, unlock the back of the SFBD, and dump the books down the chute. Each SFBD unit can hold up to 500 volumes, so go thematically nuts!

When a book is removed from a shelf, the Self-Fulfilling Book Display immediately slides a new one in to replace it. And the sturdy clockwork mechanism means no added energy bills! Never again be host to an empty, lousy-looking display! Made of Gouger's exclusive Walnot brand "Wood", these handsome bookcases will last many centuries. Make an investment in better circulation and happier patrons. The librarians of the Great Depression survived and flourished and so can you. Your patrons need you more than ever. Shop Gouger today!

Item 218-Self-Fulfilling Book Display-$500 per 12 ft. unit

The Black Hole of Calcutta Numbers

2009-04-24T15:36:00.006-04:00

Hey Catalogers! Gouger has developed yet another fantastic product to make your life easier. Every cataloger on this spinning Earth hates, Hates HATES processing weird library materials. You know the kind of stuff we mean. A vampire novel with a blood red velvet cover. A kit with 3 books, a CD, 100 flashcards, a stuffed animal, and an purple accordion. The picture book shaped like a dump truck that has actual wheels and a working motor. Or even the worst - an electronic book gizmo that not only defies proper categorization, but is sure to break after three circulations. If all the fool pieces don't aren't lost first.

We can't tell you why your coworkers insist on purchasing these ridiculous items. Maybe they don't realize what a pain in the ass it is to process and circulate this stuff. Maybe they think they're being "innovative" and "cutting edge". They're misguided attempts needn't ruin your workday. It's not your fault they read too many of those silly professional journals. Let Gouger help.

Never waste another minute pondering how to attach a spine label to an item with no discernible edge. Push those unwanted and annoying items right over your very own cutting edge. It's all so easy with the new Catalogacombs. This innovative underground storage labyrinth will keep irritating realia and other wrong library materials right where they belong: deep, deep in the bowels of the Earth. And it's ready to use right out of the box! No digging, machinery or movement of any kind required.

Anne Thracks of the Bourne Free Library says "I couldn't run my department without the Catalogacombs! It's so roomy and there's never any annoying echo to give you away." That's a plus when snoopy coworkers come looking for their acquisitions. Down they go into the magma and I can get some work done". Catalogacombs. Only from Gouger Library Supplies.

Item #217-Catalogacombs-$2300

It's OK To Laugh. Really.

2009-04-10T18:58:00.005-04:00

Pink slips are looming in many a library. Municipal budgets are even more horrid than usual, and you know what that means. Bye-bye 'Brarian. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we share your pain. Without our customers we're up Cat Box Creek without a litter scoop. So we've produced a proactive product to prepare professional people for a possible personal panic.

Get yourself one of our stylish Librarian's Sign of the Times. These attractive sandwich boards will make you stand out from the rest of the MLS crowd. In these tough economic times, a librarian needs to utilize every edge. Made of waterproof pressboard, these signs are both sturdy and lightweight. No more backaches or warped signs with runny ink! You're a professional, so let it show. Gouger. We Want You Buying, Not Crying. Order now, while you still have some money. Please specify sign desired:

WILL _____ FOR FOOD

INDEX

RESEARCH

TAKE MINUTES

READ ALOUD

ALPHABETIZE

Item #216-Librarian's Sign of the Times-$14.95

if u cn rd ts u cn bcome a hi pd librn

2009-03-02T12:29:00.007-05:00

A degree in the Library Sciences used to be a costly prize. Two or more long years of extra toil in the academic gulag. Your graduation gift is often unemployment and an additional student loan to contend with. Sure, the campus is pretty and the professors are acerebral. But wouldn't it be better to learn Real Librarianship from Real Librarians from the comfort of your own home? Sure it would!

Now you can. Get that coveted MLS from our new graduate school, Gouge U. Study the Library Sciences at your own pace for only $20 a credit. What a deal! Our faculty has been recruited from witty, wise, working librarians. These well-seasoned professionals will give you the student the real-world knowledge and practical know-how necessary in becoming a productive professional person. And this dedication to humorous scholarship is reflected in Gouge U's Comprehensive Course Catalog

ICUP 501 - Photocopiers - Paper Jams and Toner Replacement
ICUP 502 - Wishing a Grant
ICUP 503 - Collection Development on a Literal Dime
ICUP 504 - Left Behind : Trend Following in Technology
ICUP 505 - I Love a Survey
ICUP 506 - Building Maintenance for the Impractically Educated
ICUP 507 - Professional Field Busywork
ICUP 508 - Advanced Alphabetical Order
ICUP 509 - Developing Great Programs For Your Community to Ignore
ICUP 510 - Symposiums, Roundtables, Working Groups, Committees, Seminars, Boards, Retreats, Workshops, Panels, Forums, Focus Groups, and other Donut-Eating Gatherings
ICUP 520 - YA Librarianship : Lame Slogans and Sad Attempts
ICUP 521 - Leadership Skills : Not Giggling When Somebody Farts
ICUP 522 - Every Child Left Behind : Latchkey Kids in the Library
ICUP 523 - In God We Trustee :Getting the Board of Your Prayers
ICUP 524 - What's That Smell?
ICUP 525 - Disaster Planning : Great Disasters Anytime
ICUP 526 - Torturous and Arcane Cataloging of Odd Items
ICUP 527 - 90% of Reference - Where's the Toilet?

Scholarship. Integrity. How to win a screaming match over 40 cents with your dignity intact. A Gouge U degree delivers all that and so much more. Learn the Library Sciences in your pajamas without ever leaving the house or combing your hair. Graduates receive an impressive-looking diploma and $25 off their next Gouger purchase. Compare that with those other "library schools".

Whether you want to brush up on your skills with a few classes or enter the degree program, a Gouge U education is money well spent. All Gouge U courses are fully accredited by the American Library Ass. No hidden student fees. No campus parking nightmares. Gouge U; the Graduate School for the Practical Polymath. Don't settle for MLeSS!

Item #215 - Gouge U. Master of Library Science Program - $20 per credit

A Steel of a Deel

2009-02-09T20:22:00.017-05:00

That Danielle Steal. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we admire her hearty work ethic and her ability to produce at least one bestseller a week. We also admire her vast stockpiles of gold and the squadron of flying monkeys that guard it. We've seen them and they are so cool. That pact she made with Lucifer at the crossroads in Mississippi has paid off in spades.

While some foolish mortals may scoff at her prose as pedestrian, Danielle is popular where it counts. In the pocketbook. Book buying ladies can't get enough of her luxurious tales of glamor and intrigue. And what Librarian doesn't pick up her newest tome from the booktruck in Cataloging? Who can resist gazing at Danielle's newest picture on each jacket, peering up at you in all her wicked glory? Nobody. That's who.

That's why we here at Gouger are simply thrilled anticipating the riches we will rake in with the release of our newest Remainders of the Day. Our buyers have unearthed not just one, but an entire series of Danielle's earliest novels! These books were released by Slattern, a small paperback publisher that catered to a specialty market. Due to an extremely limited press run and a suspicious warehouse fire, these books have remained virtually unknown.

The saga of the Hough sisters is one that is sure to boost the circulation in any library. This multigenerational epic follows the fortunes of a family of poor women who discover a magical product that they can sell over and over again. But the path to riches is paved with both heartache and happiness. Ms. Steal's many fans will enjoy her first literary efforts, which reveal her evolving style and flair for drama. Gouger has bound this special edition in lovely dalmatian puppy leather, just like the coat the author has always so longingly coveted.

Order early. This tremendous literary find is sure to sell out wicked fast.

Item #214-Remainders of the Day-$59.95 per set of 7 volumes.

Stick Out Your Can Here Comes the Garbage Man

2009-01-18T12:27:00.003-05:00

Stop embarrassing yourself in front of others! Every time you try to toss a balled up scrap of paper into the wastebasket or recycling bin you miss by a freakin' mile. "Hey!", you might say, "I'm a librarian, not Larry Freakin' Bird! I know I'm a pathetic shot! Get off my back!" So very defensive. Gouger Library Supplies knows this is a sore spot for its many uncoordinated and nearsighted customers.

Never suffer the embarrassment of getting up from your chair to retrieve a bad throw again. Patrons and librarians alike will be in awe of your skills when you use the Suckular Circular File. This high-tech wastebasket is equipped with powerful sensors that will detect any object thrown within a five-foot radius. The powerful vacuum action then kick in and suck that lousy toss right into the trash. Handmade by the world famous wastebasket craftsmen of Trashkanistan, these attractive baskets will complement any library decor.

Staff and patrons will be in awe of your amazing shooting accuracy and range. Prepare to become a Library Legend with the Suckular Circular File. Not responsible for humorous accidents involving any body part or articles of clothing. Part of Gouger's Our Little Secret line.

Please specify desired color :

Item #213-Suckular Circular File-$24.95

Forewarned is Foregone

2008-12-24T12:01:00.005-05:00

Library Science is fraught with unspeakable danger. There are certain words and phrases that will send chills down every librarian's spine. Whenever these dreadful nouns and verbs are used in a library it can never be a good situation. The human body's natural response to danger is fight or flight. Sadly, by the time these words are uttered your body is already trapped. You are snared. Cornered. Totally and utterly screwed. If only there were some kind warning that would allow you to flee to safety.

Gouger Library Supplies has just the device to enhance your body's natural defenses. Our Logomisia Pocket Alarm will give you plenty of warning and let you Fight with Flight. This high tech instrument has thousands of tiny sensors that will pick up all of Librarianship's Forbidden Words of Doom. There's also plenty of memory, so you can add up to 100 locally perilous words and phrases. Here's just a sampling of the horrific pre-loaded lexicon:

Genealogy
Local Author
Tutor
Microfilm
Gifted Child
Professional Literature
Tax Form
New Format

The tiny 1 oz. LPA detects these and many other danger words way in advance. When it buzzes just make yourself scarce. Nothing could be easier. Like nature itself. Shown actual size.

Item #212-Logomisia Pocket Alarm-$12.95

Sedimental Journey

2008-12-08T13:25:00.008-05:00

Gouger Library Supplies has always been especially proud of our Reference Reprint line. This fine series of books provides so much value for so little cost many of our competitors have given up and started selling those seeds that are advertised on the back of comic books. These books are that good.

We've gone far out on a ledge with our newest offering. For too long there has been a need for a comprehensive and up-to-date resource on this topic. You'll never be left hanging with our 6 volume set of Noted Cliffs. This compendious work has over 250,000 entries on anything and everything to do with Cliffs. Here's just a tiny sampling of the precipice-related topics covered:

The White Cliffs of Dover
Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards
Clifton, NJ
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Cliff Richard
Newport Cliff Walk
Cliff Robertson
Galloping Cliff Gallup

No need to subscribe to one of those expensive cliff databases. If it's a Cliff and it's been Noted, Gouger guarantees it will be included in this reference work. Well illustrated and bound in handsome Corinthian leather, this is one cliff that won't leave your library hanging.

Item #211-Noted Cliffs-$24.95

One Fine Day

2008-11-28T19:33:00.006-05:00

Many library workers are tired of living a lie. These troubled people have written to us at Gouger Library Supplies to unburden themselves. We listen to your needs. We care. Then we exploit.

All day, every day, circulation workers perpetuate a cycle of deceit and it sickens them. It's known as The Checkout Transaction. Whenever they stamp the due date in a patron's book, both parties know it's a mark of deceit. The borrower isn't going to return the book until they're damn good and ready. Some folks will return the book tomorrow. Other people will never return it. And no amount of calls, notices, or emails is going to make a bit of difference.

If your staff is tired of performing this meaningless charade a couple of thousand times a day, invest in Gouger's newest product. Give in and give up with our swell Due As You Will Date Stamper. These sturdy date stamps will mark your books with more realistic return periods. Each stamp can be set for the following:

Eventually
End of the Semester
Whenever
Amnesty Week
A Month of Sundays
Someday, Someway

There's no sense in getting angry. That's not going to get the library's books back one second sooner. Accept the situation and hope for the best. You'll be less stressed and live longer that way. And Gouger will make more money. Order when you get around to it. We'll be here.

Item #210-Due As You Will Date Stamper-$24.95

Buy the Farm

2008-11-15T19:25:00.009-05:00

Uh oh. The economy is in the outhouse again. That can only mean bad times ahead for any library. Beleaguered book budgets are bound to take a beating. Don't despair, noble Library Scientists! All is never lost when you have Gouger Library Supplies on your side.

When there's no money in the pantry to buy books, you can grow your own. That's right. Pioneer Librarians on the frontier did it and so can you. The Garden of Readin' contains all the supplies and instructions necessary to cultivate a fine crop of literature. Here's a sampling of what you'll get:

PostTiller Earth Tiller-strong enough to turn your and anyone else's parking lot into acres of arable farmland
Gouger High-Yield Book Seeds-we create a custom mixture of genres, formats, and age levels to meet your collection development needs
Committee Meeting Brand Fertilizer-Gouger has collected the manure output from a year's worth of professional gatherings. An inexhaustible supply of high-grade crap for your crop!
Library Hoes-for weeding, you pervert
AACR H2O-an irrigation system that defies classification

With a little care and some physical labor that the shelvers can be made to do, your library will be assured a bountiful harvest of books. The national financial situation is unlikely to improve any time soon, so order now to be ready for Spring planting.

Item #209-Garden of Readin'-$499

Let Inflation Work For You

2008-11-07T17:32:00.009-05:00

Librarians are sometimes the object of unwanted romantic attention from their patrons. It's not that these lovelorn folks are necessarily acting inappropriately, you're just not interested in a relationship with them. (Inappropriate creepy behavior is, of course, always quite possible) The Naughty Librarian is a popular fantasy figure for many and this mortifying situation will eventually occur at every library.

At best the situation is awkward and embarrassing. In the worst case scenario, you end up hiding in the back room for the rest of the day, writing up an incident report, and having your coworkers walk you to your car every night for a month. With this ghastly predicament in mind, Gouger asks the question---

What Do You Get When You Cross a Librarian With an Inflatable Sex Doll? Why, you get Gouger's solution to Unrequited Librarian Crush. When an infatuated patron realizes that their affections won't be returned, things can get ugly fast. You need to distract them and you need to do it now. Gouger is fairly ashamed to introduce the world's only blow-up lovebrarian, the F**king Know-It-All.

This life-like bookworm is just dying to meet your branch's Romeos and Juliets and run off into the sunset with them. Dressed as a prim and proper professional, each doll can't wait to go wild. All they need is the right person to unleash their hidden desires. (and the included battery pack) Leave the FKIA where your admirer is sure to find it. It will be love/lust at first sight. That's Gouger Guarantee. Please specify: Male/Female/Committee Assortment.

Item #208-The F**king Know It All-$199.95 each (expensive, but worth every penny)

Fill in the Blankety-Blank Form

2008-11-01T21:13:00.010-04:00

You're a busy bibliothecary. Running a library involves a million little details, each one of them important and demanding of your immediate attention. Let Gouger Library Supplies take at least one of those worrisome projects off your sagging shoulders. We're talking censorship, library lads and lasses.

You've been meaning to create a materials complaint form. Honest you have. But the book truck lost a wheel and Timmy the shelver has rabies and that lady with the moustache has made a hat out of the Wall Street Journal again and three of your circulation people ran away with the circus and... you never did get the chance to get to it.

Why reinvent the wheel? Gouger's done all the dirty work for you and created a superb all-purpose Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form. All you have to do is buy it, stuff it in a drawer somewhere, and hope you never have to use it. But it's almost inevitable that something in your collection will be challenged someday. Not to worry. You'll have this official-looking form ready and waiting for your local Comstock. Just whip it out. Here's what you get:

Your Library Name Here

Materials Reconsideration Request

This (book, film, compact disc, employee) should be (removed forever, burned, hidden from all humanity, restricted to children) because it contains (smut, cursing, religious views other than my own, uncomfortable truths, uncomfortable lies, witchcraft in the guise of a harmless children's story, a predictable plot and poor character development, biases that are not my own, historical accuracies, it's just plain filth).

I believe I can choose what others can read because I am (a religious busybody, a secular busybody, a librarian, perfect in every way, spoiling for a fight). If the library does not deal with this material in a manner according to my wishes I will (call the mayor, call my pastor, call the newspaper, be the first member of the public to ever attend a library board meeting, call the mayor again, call no one but self righteously lecture the library director for at least 30 minutes).

I (have, have not) read or viewed the material I am (grousing, grandstanding, bellowing, sermonizing, earnestly trying to establish a dialogue) about.

Name:

Phone Number:

Alleged Friend in City Government:

Our boilerplate is easy to read and simple to complete. Buy a box of of these forms and be a prepared professional person. We'll even put your library's logo on at no extra charge.

Item #207-Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form-$9.95 per 100

Librarians in the Mist

2008-10-17T15:40:00.006-04:00

There's always a mountain of books waiting to be checked in every day. You can't spare a single worker to the illnesses brought on by putrid-smelling books. You know the type we mean. When the book is opened for checkin a stench wafts out that makes everyone in the library buckle at the knees. These books smell as though the patron spent the entire borrowing period blowing smoke directly into the pages. Or dropped the book into the pot while cooking a rotting cabbage with onions and garlic. Or used the pages to wipe their underarms after a day's work at the slaughterhouse.

Often these books must be discarded or at the very least aired out for several decades. Confronting a whiffy patron is a horribly embarrassing and useless experience that will only end in heartache. So the library loses money and the patrons lose access to another title. Until now.

The team at Gouger Labs under the able direction of Dr. Jason has developed a book-refreshing spray that will make even the most malodorous volume smell sweeter than a field of fresh-picked donuts. The next time you get a literal literary stinker give it a few spritzes of our Library of Pongress Book Renewer. LOP neutralizes even the strongest foul aromas immediately on contact. It's splendiferous!

Order right now. Quantity discounts are available. Please specify scent : Warm Cookies, New Box of Crayons, Fresh Cut Grass, Root Beer, or Play-Dough.

Item #206-Library of Pongress Book Renewer-$19.95 per doz.

Gouger's Your Paraprofessional Para-Site!

2008-10-11T20:20:00.008-04:00

Assistant. Page. Shelver. Clerk. Sure, the patrons call you Librarian. To the untrained eye you have the same job as the one of the Big Girls. That similarity ends at payday. MLS Librarians sure ain't rich and you make even less than that. You are a Paraprofessional!

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we too strive to profit from the Library Paraprofessional. Without you many libraries would have to shut their doors. Gouger can't get you the salaries that you so richly deserve. But we've created the coolest T-shirt ever for you to spend you meager wages on.

You'll be proud to wear this all-fabric Non-Lame Library T-Shirt that asks "Are Paraprofessionals Paranormal?". Library grunts everywhere will be in Paradise wearing this stylish and humorous garment. Be a Paragon of a Paratrooper and order one immediately.

Item #205-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$24.95 (XS, XM, XL, Landmass)

Oh See, Elsie?

2008-10-03T19:58:00.005-04:00

Every cataloguer knows that some books just defy classification. A volume on the spiritual life of water, for example. Or a collection of essays on the mating habits of ketchup written by the channelled spirit of a teapot. How about an anthology on twenty different imaginary topics complete with maps of places that may or may not exist. Trying to assign a call number to can lead to many hours of tedious research and eventual insanity. You may even have to call a meeting. Eventually you compromise and assign a number that doesn't really fit. You don't like it; it's not just right. But it's the best you can do with the tools you got.

Don't settle for this irritating state of cataloguing affairs. The best brains here at Gouger have devised a revolutionary update to your current classification scheme which covers those annoyingly ambiguous subject areas. Put those literary pests where they belong with our Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena. This comprehensive supplement has the extra classification numbers Dewey & LC forgot to put in! That's right. Never spend another moment scratching your head and wondering where the hell that Estonian haiku picture book on space frogs is supposed to go. Just Phylum & Phorgetum.

Order immediately if not sooner. Please specify Dewey, LC, or Weird Local Scheme.

Item #204-Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena-$99.95

You're the Devil in Disguise. Oh Yes You Are.

2008-09-24T19:56:00.009-04:00

Sometimes a librarian needs to do some work in the stacks without interruption. But this is always easier said than done. Folks see you and need your help. You gladly help them, but your original project never gets done. Weeding, shelving, shifting. These tasks will always take a back burner whenever there is a patron in need. But they can't ask you if they can't see you.

Hide in plain sight with Gouger's revolutionary new Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit. Cover up your regular work clothes with this comfy one-piece, one-size-fits-all garment. The highly realistic looking "Books on Shelves" camouflage pattern means you can work undisturbed any time you want. (see photo) Why, it's just like being invisible!

Supervisors can lurk in the stacks and monitor their underlings.Underlings can avoid their supervisors. For the fun-minded librarian, it's a great for sneaking up on unsuspecting coworkers for wedgies, book cart hijacking, and other workday hijinks. The possibilities are limited only by you imagination and ethics. Or lack thereof.

Blend into your natural habitat today with the Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit. Go into the 400s and be a Comma Chameleon today!

Item #203-Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit-$24.95 (specify wood or metal shelving)

Freedom From Choice

2008-09-15T10:20:00.008-04:00

Gouger Library Supplies is an All-American company with an keen eye to the future of the Library Sciences. In this patriotic spirit we are proud to announce our latest historic project. Our company wants to lead the way by developing and sponsoring a possible future Presidential Library. And we're offering our customers a chance to help in this noble endeavor.

You'll be purchasing a piece of history when you buy a Commemorative Brick to help construct the Sarah Palin Presidential Library. Gouger will inscribe any name you desire on the hand-engraved brick(s) you purchase. These handsome building blocks will show the world your support of the kind of Library Science this righteous public servant endorses. Our in-house architect has already drawn up the blueprints for this majestic building. (see artist's rendition above) Sure it's ambitious. But here at Gouger, we think True Americans should be burning with patriotism.

And you the library consumer can't lose. In the sad event this Institution does not come to pass, Gouger Library Supplies will send your brick(s) to you! These highly polished bricks make lovely projectiles or can be just keepsakes of a dream. Order early and often. Literally get in on the ground floor of this American Landmark. Or Else. God Less America!

Item #202-Sarah Palin Presidential Library Commemorative Brick-$24.95 each

Sweet Revenge

2008-09-10T10:42:00.005-04:00

Library workers often have to bite their tongues when dealing with less-than-pleasant patrons. Many of these foul people are regular visitors. They seen to delight in being rude during their weekly (or daily) pilgrimage to your building. Frankly, there's not much you can really do to change these obnoxious cretins. They were born jerks and they're going to stay jerks. But you can enjoy some sweet, sweet revenge.

Get yourself a box of Gouger's delicious Chocolate Patrons. Made from only the finest ingredients, these delicious candy effigies will delight and soothe any staff membern who has to deal with the public. Literally bite their tasty little heads off after they figuratively bite off yours. Catharsis was never so delectable.

Gouger's Chocolate Patrons come two scrumptious flavors- Just Plain or Just Plain Nuts. Each box comes with an assortment of fudgy little figurines. One of these luscious candies is sure to resemble the patron you loathe. Bulk discounts are available, please inquire.

Item #201-Gouger's Chocolate Patrons-$24.95 per gross

Arc de Triomphe!

2008-08-29T14:36:00.007-04:00

It's celebration time here at Gouger Library Supplies! We are prouder than proud to present our loyal customers with our 200th product! That's right! 200 hundred fun-fulled, highly professional, mirthfully useful, Librarian-friendly creations. Our competitors said we wouldn't last. But they were too busy charging $100 for a box of thumbtacks to notice Gouger's brilliant innovations. That's why those guys suck and Gouger rules. Pack of no-good swindlers.

Have we got a product to commemorate this fine occasion. If you're sick of systems that give you incomplete, inaccurate, or downright useless statistics you're going to love the Arch Angel. It's a traditional beeping security arch and so much more. As each patron passes through it, the Arch Angels tells you what they really did during their library visit. Check out some of these statistical fields:

Nothin' But Movies

Internet Dating Loser

Ran Around Making Noise (Teen)

Slept 3 hours - Light Snoring

Bathroom and Chatted Up Uninterested Staff Member

Stared at Women

Jammed Copier and Left

Actually Borrowed Book(s)

Mumbled to Self and Made Strange Gestures

Met Friend - 1/2 Hour Chat (moderately annoying)

Genealogy Nut Recounted Family Tree to Uninterested Staff Member

Complained About Fine w/o Payment

Story Hour and Some Videos

Ran Around Making Noise (Juvenile)

2 Large Print Danielle Steel's and a Quick Look at Cosmo

Run Tutoring Business and Talked on Phone

Washed Out Socks and Shaved

One look at these highly detailed fields will give your administration a new and much more accurate look at how the community really uses the library. And this is just a small sampling of what this fine system will tabulate. This easy-to-install arch works with any computer operating system and software to print out practical and personalized in-depth reports. Comes with all necessary hardware and software.

Invest in one today. It's a product worth celebrating. Call now. Let it ring. Operators are having a little party.

Item #200-Arch Angel Statistical System-$1000

What's a Martyr For You?

2008-08-16T20:18:00.009-04:00

Reference Reprints is back with with another authoritative title for your collection. This celebrated series offers the librarian classic works at reasonable prices. Our latest offering is the long out-of-print Harpy's Horrid Hagiology. Written especially for parochial schoolchildren, H3 combines easy-to-understand biographical entries with color illustrations that can only be described as otherworldly. Over 5,000 saints and are covered with an emphasis on the current trend in children's nonfiction-the disgusting and gross.

Kids everywhere will love researching inspirational figures like these:

St. Agatha who is often depicted carrying her severed breasts on a plate

St. Catherine of Alexandria had milk flow from her wounds when she was beheaded

St. Gwen received a handy third breast after giving birth to three children

St. Lucy plucked out her own eyes and gave them to her ex-fiance

St. Erasmus had hot iron hooks stuck into his intestines.
St. Wilgefortis prayed to be delivered from unwanted marriage and she grew a mustache and beard
St. Lawrence was grilled alive

All this and much more! Pious young scholars won't be led astray by the violence of rap and heavy metal music when they can read this comprehensive passionary. Bound in sturdy pleather, H3 will be sure to become a staple at reference desks everywhere.

Item #199-Harpy's Horrid Hagiology-$150 (3 vol. set)

Take Your Breath Away

2008-08-07T11:39:00.007-04:00

Are you saprostomous? When you breathe near others do they discreetly turn away to gag and turn green? Stepping over the bodies of the unconscious is both hazardous and embarrassing. When your best friends won't or aren't conscious enough to tell you, Gouger will. Face it Librarian, you've got bad breath. And that ain't good.

Stop that halitosis before your nickname is The Librarian Who Exhales Carrion. Mints don't last. Ordinary cullutory haven't been strong enough. You need MLS-strength Booklisterine! This exclusive formula, prepared by Gouger's in-house chemist Dr. Jason, is guaranteed to keep your breath smelling socially acceptable for an entire eight hour shift.

Order a case or two today. 85 proof Booklisterine comes in 3 fantastic flavors-Glazed Donut, Chocolate Mint Fudge, and Circus Peanut. And there's never any bitter "medicine" aftertaste. Keep away from children and open flames.

Item #198-Booklisterine-$24.95 per case of 12

Jaws of Life

2008-07-26T19:58:00.005-04:00

Overdue books are a constant headache. Especially the popular ones. The patrons waiting to read these hot titles are cheesed off. And so they should be. There's no excuse for such a disregard of common courtesy. Plus, the library wastes precious time and money chasing down late books. Sure, some fine money might come in someday. But it rarely covers the expense and bother.

Delinquent books are their own punishment when you use Gouger's BookFair BookJaws. Affix a BookJaw to the spine of a book during processing. Each easy-to-attach device can be set for a specific borrowing period. BookJaws are automatically activated when the book is checked out. When the book becomes overdue, look out! BookJaws snap that book closed. No matter what method an angry reader might try, BookJaw books can not be reopened until they are returned to the library. The BookFair system instantly and easily resets every book at Checkin. Why, it's so simple a tutor could do it!

Now that's fair. BookFair. Only from Gouger. Gouging Librarians for almost a fifth of a decade.

Item #197-BookFair BookJaw System-$100 per 10,000

Buy Some Nice Plants for the Library

2008-07-20T14:02:00.001-04:00

Is your Friends of the Library group ineffective? Are the meetings more gossip and coffee than fundraising and promotion? Is everyone too busy bickering to actually do anything? In other words do your Friends suck? If your library is saddled with a lame, quarrelsome, or brimborion booster bunch, you must try out Gouger's latest innovation.

Inject some life into those paper tiger pals with our False Friends of the Library. We'll send you a dozen bright, attractive, and enthusiastic shills to rev up your people. These quality fakes will encourage your gang to new heights of fundraising, donating, and helpfulness. We guarantee their exuberant example will make a huge difference. False Friends can also attract new members with their winning ways and their fetching good looks. Naturally flirty and friendly, they're like catnip to patrons of all genders. Tell them your agenda and watch them work behind the scenes to make it happen.

False Friends of the Library will pay for themselves many times over. That's a Gouger guarantee. Order early for best selection; colors/ sizes may vary.

Item #196-False Friends of the Library-$1300 per dozen

Lobe the Library

2008-07-09T11:31:00.005-04:00

Reap the benefits of multitasking with Gouger's clever new product. Storage and shelf space is a precious commodity at any library. Our new Nose Ring Binders store documents neatly and efficiently by attaching them to the many piercings of the library's adolescent workers. Each well-cushioned binder clips comfortably into any properly punctured body part. Teens won't even notice these handsome featherweight document holders. In fact, they're becoming a fashion statement among well-read young rebels everywhere!

Nose Ring Binders use the industry standard 3-hole configuration and hold up to 150 pages. Please specify color desired. Order 50 or more and we'll add your logo or message free! It's the satisfactory olfactory way to keep important papers right under someone else's nose.

Item #195-Nose Ring Binders-$4.95 each

Truck You!

2008-07-04T17:49:00.012-04:00

Just because the cataloging department is always located in the library dungeon people think that catalogers must be willing to put up with anything. How many times have you gone looking for a book you've been working on only to find it gone? Vanished right off your desk. This mystery occurs multiple times a week.

Folks wandering through your work area can't resist all those lovely new titles. Turn your back for a minute and the director walks off with a bestseller. A trustee "just wanted to look" at what's new in history. A stack of picture books disappeared with the children's librarian. They were going to put it back. Geez, you're such a crab.

Keep those pilfering weasels out of your hair with the Load & Lock Book Truck. These heavyweight book trucks have a locking steel bar across each shelf to keep your work where you can work on it. Control access with Gouger's exclusive Keyless fingerprint recognition lock. That's right. This biometric system only allows approved dactylograms access to the goodies.

It's so easy to set up and use. The tool-proof steel bars will never harm your books. Keep materials where you want 'em and never waste time searching vanishing volumes again. Go to lunch or wherever without worry. Call now. Operators are sitting by.

Item #194-Load & Lock Book Truck-$150 (specify flat, electrified, or slanted shelves)

Painless Philoprogentive PR

2008-06-30T20:22:00.005-04:00

Every library card that gets issued to a child is a small victory for the forces of bibliogood. Kids feel very important, happy, and grown-up to have their very own library card. And they're right. It's really a cool deal for everyone involved.

Here at Gouger we feel that this event is a wonderful cause for a celebration and some moneymaking. Make a proper big deal out of this very important milestone with our My First Library Card Kit. Every new little borrower will be thrilled with the snazzy commemorative photo you'll take with the simple-to-use Shutterbug Digital Camera. This 12-megapixel camera (software included) even looks just like an adorable storybook ladybug!

And that's not all! Every kit comes with 10,000 My First Library Card cardboard photo folios. Be sure to include your library's name and logo and we'll emboss it right on each folder at no extra cost. Preserve those cheesy toothless smiles and storybook memories for all time. Mom and Dad Taxpayer will love you forever. And so will little Judy and Elroy who will think the library is the swellest place on Earth. Which it is.

Order today and we'll throw in a gross of MFLC pencils and a jumbo roll of our "Born to Read" E-Z-2 Remove Stickers. It's a great deal. Get 'em reading early. Get 'em reading for life.

Item #193-My First Library Card Kit-$199

Go Through the Change With Gouger

2008-06-24T19:54:00.009-04:00

Spring cleaning season is in full swing. For libraries this means lots and lots of donations. Mostly this is a good thing. Worn out former best sellers can be replaced with shiny new copies. Books that the budget didn't allow for now show up on the doorstep. All for free. Sort of.

For all of this swag comes at a cost. Specifically, the work-hours spent sorting through liquor boxes of musty offscum. It is estimated for every donated book that ends up in the collection, a librarian will screen two dozen books that end up in the landfill. It's such a waste.

But not anymore. The best minds here at Gouger Labs have invented a way to both expand your collection and free up valuable dumpster space. Behold the wonder that is the Donation Transformation Station! This wondrous machine takes literary crap and turns it into literary gold. Simply fill the hopper with a couple dozen trashy novels, archaic textbooks, torn magazines, and any other printed dreck you've inherited. Turn a few dials, press some buttons, then flip the switch. Presto! You've got a shiny new summer reading list classic. Hardcover, too.

Yes, Gouger has licenced over 1500 perennial schoolteacher favorites to choose from. Simply select from the handy menu. Get all the books your student population needs when they need them. The Donation Transformation Station is compact, lightweight and easy to operate. Purchase this innovative collection development tool. It will pay for itself in 20 minutes. That's a Gouger Guarantee.

Item #192-Donation Transformation Station-$1675

Reading Rainbow

2008-06-16T19:24:00.003-04:00

Gouger's Remainders of the Day series brings our customers the best in publisher misfortunes at prices that are hard to beat. Whenever they need quick cash to cover a shortfall, publishing houses around the world call Gouger and sell off good books cheap!

Our newest title is that hot new relationship bestseller. That's right, get pop psychologist Jon Gay's newest revelations in Mars and Mars Come Out of the Closet. The author of a series of best selling self-help books, Mr. Gay examines the communication issues between the sexes that have puzzled him and his male friends for so long.

There's sure to be a long waiting list for this popular author. At Gouger prices any library can afford multiple copies. Gouger. We take advantage of others for profit. For you.

Item #191-Mars and Mars Come Out of the Closet-$4.95 per dozen

I'll Be Damned!

2008-06-13T19:54:00.005-04:00

That Pope Benedict XVI! What will he do next? In conjunction with Gouger, the pontiff has started his own book club! That's right. Every month His Holiness will pick out a book and discuss it with the masses. And Gouger is the place to get the good word and the good books.

Join Poperah's Book Club and you will receive that month's selection as soon as it is announced. Just tell us how many copies your library needs and Gouger will speed them to your library all processed and ready to circulate. It's almost a miracle.

Here's a preview of what the Holy Father might be considering :

The Bible (version unannounced)

Tuesdays With Moses

The Genesis Book of World Records

Ordinary Papal

The Diet of Worms : Never Be Fat Again, Just Like the Vatican

Holy See, Holy Do

Beatify Your Home

Join today! You can bet your zucchetto that these books will be the talk of the town! And that's no Papal Bull.

Item #190-Poperah's Book Club-$14.95 per copy

There's Something in the Air

2008-06-13T14:32:00.004-04:00

Fuel is getting prohibitively expensive. Bookmobiles are hardly known for their great MPG. Together these two facts spell doom for many a mobile library. For the recession-scarred community, this ain't good news. When it takes the price of a novel (no discount) to turn the engine over, the bookmobile is going up on blocks.

Luckily, Gouger Library Supplies has a solution. While lesser library vendors have been busy jacking up their prices, our Research Team has developed a super alternative fuel source. Our Hot Air Converter gathers all the windy rhetoric from the many meetings, conferences, and seminars held at a library and turns it into usable fossil fuel! Just place the compact unit in any meeting room and turn it on. It's that easy. In case of a long-winded speaker the HAC has a no-overflow feature that keeps the converted fuel safely in the tank. Each HAC comes with two 100 gallon wheeled tanks and all the necessary instructions and hardware.

Harness the one energy source a library will never run out of! Gun that motor!

Item #189-Hot Air Converter-$1000

Jewel of Denial

2008-06-11T16:21:00.005-04:00

When crazy people visit the library it can be a trial for all involved. Most of the reality challenged cause no more problems than the average patron. Considerably less in many cases. However, their tendency towards galimatias can be distracting and unnerving. And since they usually have no place to go, the mentally interesting tend to linger.

Frankly, there's not much that can be done about this situation. If libraries removed everyone who mumbled to themselves, it could get mighty lonely. But at least you can try to make things look normal with our latest product. Pair off your gibbering loonies with Gouger's Folie a Deux Bracelets. These fashionable bangles fasten two prattlers together so it at least appears they are sharing a conversation. Your other patrons will hardly notice them. Everyone's happy. Made of pure metal, Gouger bracelets are both beautiful and sturdy. Order immediately.

Item #188-Folie a Deux Bracelets-$24.95 per set of 6

Don't Be a Pusher

2008-06-10T13:32:00.003-04:00

Librarians like order. They like neatness. Because a librarian's job involves finding things for people, we like things to be where they belong. This trait carries over to areas other than library materials. Chairs, for example. It is a rare librarian who does not automatically push in a chair as they pass by. And at the end of a work day, pushing in the chairs goes along with shutting down computers and picking up stray books. It's what we do.

Get that neat-as-pin look any time you want without lifting a finger. Invest in Gouger's So Inclined Chair Slopes. Place one of these easy-to-install automatic glacises under each patron chair. The next time that chair needs pushing in, simply press the appropriate button on the remote control (included). SICS lets you push in individual chairs or tidy up en masse at closing time. So simple. Activating SICS when a patron is sitting in a chair is not recommended. This may lead to equipment failure and general hilarity.

Item #187-So Inclined Chair Slopes-$67.95 each

A Better Fetter

2008-06-07T14:18:00.005-04:00

The effects of Reference Burnout can take many forms. One of the most common is Wandering Librarian Syndrome. This sad affliction causes librarians to avoid public service areas and disappear into the stacks. For the busy supervisor this can be most troublesome for it is often they who must then serve an angry public.

While any good leader can sympathize with their staff, underlings must be treated with a firm hand. Keep your librarians where they belong with Gouger's Ball And Chain Kit. This traditional confinement device is made of sturdy cast iron and is guaranteed to cut WLS symptoms by 92%. Each B.A.C.K. includes a 50 lb. ball, tool-proof chain, and adjustable leg shackle. The chain can easily be lengthened or shortened giving you control of librarian mobility and range.

Comes in basic black only. Order 6 or more and receive a 20% discount. Hold 'em back with B.A.C.K. Or work the desk yourself.

Item #186-Ball And Chain Kit-$49.95 each

Jerk Us to the Circus

2008-06-03T16:07:00.006-04:00

Is your library a victim of its own popularity? Do your patrons dawdle, linger, and refuse to leave in an timely manner every single closing time? Hey impatient librarian, Gouger has just the thing to make lockup hassle-free! The best brains at Gouger Labs have developed the ultimate in building vacating systems.

Never again will you and your staff have to wait in mounting anger while the Library Lingerers decide to mosey out on their own terms. You'll have everybody running out the door 10 minutes before closing when you crank up your new Mr. Mirage HoloLaughic Outdoor Projection System. Using trusted Gouger technology, Mr. Mirage projects wonderful and tempting scenes right outside your library! Patrons won't hang around when there's an enticing circus across the street. Or a free beer stand. And who knew that movie star's car would get stranded right in the library lot?

Amazingly lifelike with realistic sounds, each of the 1500 different scenarios is sure to lure your mopes and stragglers out the door night after night. Mr. Mirage includes all necessary hardware and is easy to install and run. Close up on time tonight and every night. Order immediately.

Item #185-Mr. Mirage Hololaughic Outdoor Projection System-$2500

Here Lies a Story

2008-05-29T16:26:00.007-04:00

A paperless society has been predicted for many years. Librarians, however, have embraced and flourished with new technologies. Which makes it all the more annoying when some dipstick remarks, "I'm surprised we still have libraries. Everything is on the computer nowadays." Jackass.

There's no sense arguing with this line of reasoning. People who say stuff like this have no idea what librarianship entails. If anything, the Internet has made libraries busier. But try explaining that to Mr. Smug who is pleasantly anticipating your civil service, know-it-all behind being in the Unemployment Office very soon.

Such faulty reasoning deserves Gouger Brand assistance. As a public service, Gouger is proud to be the sponsor of the Canard Cove Free Library's "Facts in the Stacks" blog. This is the website to use when you want to show patrons just how the reliable the Internet can be. That's because every fact on this pioneering website is totally and completely made up. Yes, utter lies and shameless fibs. Bunk and baloney.

Sure, everything is on the Internet. Especially nonsense. Link to Facts in the Stacks and help spread the false word. It's a crock of fun.

Public Pressure Prevents Pillaging

2008-05-21T16:20:00.005-04:00

Every library loses an alarming percentage of their holdings through intentional malefaction. Whether it's vandalism, abuse, or simply never returning a borrowed item the costs are staggering. Let the public share in your righteous outrage. Let them see just how much their library loses through the acts of greedy creeps and cloddish morons. Let them see the figures in cold hard cash.

Try out Gouger's new Thoughtless Bastard Monitoring Meter. You''ll get all the gear necessary to give the public the information they need. Our easy-to-install system ties into your existing collection database and calculates library losses in real time. Patrons will stare in angry indignation as the numbers on the Digital Damage Sign change in front of their eyes. The system can even be configured to name individual bastard patrons if desired or dared. All necessary hardware, software, and underwear included.

Keep patron awareness of library loss livid. Get a Thoughtless Bastard Monitoring Meter and let the world know that ripping libraries off costs everybody. And everybody is pretty friggin' mad. Order immediately.

Item #184-Thoughtless Bastard Monitoring Meter-$495 (please specify size/gender of underwear)

Dinah, You Sure Do Blow!

2008-05-15T16:25:00.009-04:00

Attention Children's Librarians! Does your horrid singing voice make you the laughing stock of story hour? Do even the toddlers think you suck? Many otherwise fine librarians royally embarrass themselves at every program. If you dread belting out another off-key rendition of "Old MacDonald", Gouger has got just the remedy for your "B-I-N-G-O" Blues.

Stop hogging the good tambourine to drown out your toilet-toned tremolo. Invest in a Gouger Baa Baa Bad Voice Vocal Enhancer. The BBBVVE looks and works like a regular microphone. In reality, it's an amazing technological breakthrough that transforms your pathetic warbling into sweet, sweet music. Go from flat to fantastic instantly! Don't want a full-sized microphone? Keep your hands free to strum a guitar badly or manipulate scary puppets with the lighweight BBBVVE headset.

Purchase both and receive a free Gouger KidTaztic KidTazer. Spare your ego and spare your patron's ears. Order today, because the Wheels on the Bus will be Comin' Round the Mountain. And they'll be gunning for You.

Item #183-Baa Baa Bad Voice Vocal Enhancer-$99.95 each

Iceberg! Abandon Ship!

2008-05-13T13:35:00.011-04:00

When the library's computers all break down at once, panic and confusion are the standard responses from staff and patron alike. Eventually every computer network will crash like the Titanic and leave your library adrift in the angry sea of technology. Sadly, Gouger can't prevent these inevitable computer shipwrecks from happening. But, we have just the product to keep the crew from panicking and abandoning ship.

There is always a mad scramble to make a sign for each and every kaput terminal. This is necessary because if even one PC is signless, patrons will run to it and desperately bang on the keys. Each person will ask if it is working. You will be driven insane. The signs from the last crash can never be found. So you grab some markers, grab some paper, grab some tape. Organized grab-ass.

Be a smart sailor and get yourself Gouger's new Crash in a Box. This treasure chest has exactly the supplies you need to properly cope with widespread computer failure. Namely, 100 high quality laminated Out-of-Order signs in a handy carrying case. No need to flounder about. The lightweight Crash in a Box makes it easy to spread the bad news quickly and easily. Each sign is made of sturdy paperboard and is adorned with your choice of logos. Crash in a Box comes complete with wall-mounting hardware so it's always on hand when you need it. Not buried in the storage locker with all the other signs.

Please specify logo desired - Skull & Crossbones, International Library Symbol, Biohazard Symbol, High Voltage, International Crash Icon (pictured)

Item #182-Crash in a Box-$43.95

From Bad to Verse

2008-05-08T11:42:00.006-04:00

A library has poetry books
Never removed from poetry nooks
What is the deal?
Have they no appeal?
They can't all be gobbledygook

Librarians ofttimes debate
Why poetry don't circulate
Some say "Too effete!
Too boring!, Too elite!"
A genre so easy to hate

GLS found these reasons ain't right
Patrons long for verse to recite
Poetry don't suck
It's physically stuck
On shelves that are jammed far too tight

Gouger's got your poetry solution
So simple in it's execution
Buy our Wax Poetic
Apply energetic
Use it straight-needs no dilution

Now that poetry can now be removed
It's popularity shall quickly be proved
Epics to haiku
Bid them adieu
No ode shall remain unmoved

A wonderful balm Wax Poetic
It nurtures the senses aesthetic
Order the 16 oz can
Buff the iambic pentam
Poetry circ- It's no longer pathetic!

Item #181-Wax Poetic-$9.95 per jar

Who's Got the Button? You's Got the Button!

2008-05-05T13:26:00.007-04:00

Preparing for the library workday should be calm time to reflect and plan for the tasks ahead. It should involve gathering appropriate materials in anticipation of the day's activities. Also it should involve donuts and a beverage. It does not any of these things.

What it does involve is turning on a great many machines and electrical contraptions. CPUs and their monitors, copiers, scanners, fax machines, coffee pots, cash registers, lights, air conditioners, and printers each have to be turned on. Running about pushing hundreds of buttons and clicking thousands of switches eats up a large chunk of valuable time. And none of these buttons and switches gets you any donuts. It's not efficient. It's not right.

Introducing the solution to your Open-the-Library Blues! Gouger's stupendous Miss Universal Remote Control turns on all of your electronic devices with one simple button. That's right. As soon as you walk in the door, just point and click. Every machine immediately turns on, boots up, or otherwise activates its silly self. It's so easy to use. There's no complicated set-up or elaborate commands to learn. One button. It even turns on the coffee pot. Buy it now and make your morning routine as easy as pie. Or donuts.

Item #180-Miss Universal Remote Control-$24.95

Everyone Knows It's Wendy

2008-04-24T11:36:00.005-04:00

A respected art book publisher has just gone totally bankrupt. Like any hungry capitalist vulture, Gouger has just purchased their entire inventory at pennies on the dollar. Now our lucky customers can feast on this high-quality literary carrion. These coffee-table sized books are packed with stunning full-color plates and brilliant essays by the world's leading art scholars.

These books originally listed at fifty dollars and up. That's why you didn't buy them in the first place. Now that they are part of our Remainders of the Day line, any library can have a fabulous art book collection without breaking the budget. So dust off your oversized shelves, it's time to go shopping!

The first offering from this windfall is by a beloved Caramelite Nun. While her order is traditionally known for their delicious candy-covered apples, this mynchen is famous her knowledge of art history. Sister Wendy's Big Book of Manga is a whirlwind tour of this popular Japanese comic art. Sister deftly guides the reader through the big-breasted, monster-infested, robot-congested world of manga. Sister Wendy's gentle wit is a delightful contrast with the giant hooters featured on much of the art in this splendid volume.

Order multiple copies today! Operators are sitting by.

Item #179-Sister Wendy's Big Book of Manga-$4.95

Action Packed Librarianship!

2008-04-22T13:23:00.013-04:00

Sure, you have a Librarian Action Figure on your desk. It's so cute and whimsical sitting there with a stack of books. Maybe you even have the Deluxe model with the little bookcart and tiny computer. We here at Gouger are more than a little jealous that we didn't dream up this clever desk toy first. That shushing action is simply brilliant. This little librarian is more mighty than any so-called "superhero" doll on the market.

Except for one thing. Proper action figures have all kinds of accessories and sidekicks and playsets and vehicles and cool stuff. Poor Nancy doesn't have any of this necessary superperson equipment. This puts her at a terrible disadvantage to those lesser action figures. Bottom line : it's just not as much fun as it could be.

Have no fear, Gouger is here! We've dreamed up some swell stuff to ensure your Librarian Action Figure provides an authenticly awesome library playtime experience. Presenting our new Hello Dolly Accessory Line. Adults and children will love playing "library" with these genuine biblioaccessories:

Library Layabouts with Ratty Couch & Mini Magazines (pictured)
Bob the Bald Tire Bookmobile
Mac Rotous the Deaf Old Villain with Overdue Fines (pictured)
Big Big Bookcases o' Backlog
Fortress of Doom Meeting Room w/Long Winded Committee Monsters
The Huckster-Reference Book Selling Time Sucking Vampire
Box of Magic Donuts and Action Beverage

So authentic, it's almost eerie. These realistic library trappings create an amazing world of fun for your Librarian Action Figure. Collect 'em all.

Item #178-Hello Dolly Accessories-$12.95 each

Magazines in the Mist

2008-04-17T11:41:00.003-04:00

Periodicals have a bad habit of disappearing from libraries. Strangely, they often shed their covers in remote parts of the building before vanishing forever. Perhaps this is some strange magazine moulting behavior. Perhaps, like some sort of periodical larvae, they metamorphose and evolve into a higher form of literature. Or perhaps some dirtbag is ripping covers off to remove the security tape and steal your serials. Hmmm.

Those little electromagnetic strips hustled by other library vendors are all right as far as they go. The problem is they usually go into the trash and the item they are supposed to protect goes out the door. Since most libraries already employ this imperfect "security" system, Gouger has just the thing to make it actually stop periodical pilferers. Make out a purchase order immediately for our brilliant Write Guard Spray. Do it now.

Employing a secret formula of seven magnetic herbs and adhesives, Write Guard keeps library materials where you want them and in one piece. Simply spray the item all over with this alarm-tripping clear veneer. It's like having one of those old style white strips on every single page! Time to circulate? Just deactivate materials using your current security equipment. Nothing else to buy, no extra training required. Write Guard is long-lasting and guaranteed not to harm any type of paper. It even smells like freshly baked donuts. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we know what librarians want.

Item #177-Write Guard Spray-$4.95

She Looks Interested So You Don't Have To

2008-04-15T13:29:00.006-04:00

Studies conducted by a leading MLS research team have determined conclusively that genealogy is the work of Satan. Here at Gouger we always suspected as much. Being stuck with an enthusiastic genealogist for a patron is a special kind of Hell that causes searing agony for any librarian unlucky enough to become so ensnared. Some have faked or induced health emergencies to escape the endless blather of these ancestry obsessed lunatics. Others have simply gone mad, their poor brains having leaked out their ears in a desperate attempt to flee the body.

This ugly scene need not happen at your library. Avoid dangerous genealogy-induced stupor with Gouger's terrific Ann Nuent, Bobble Head Librarian. These amazingly lifelike statues have an industrial strength springed nodding head that moves at the slightest touch. Just give her a push when you open, and she looks interested all day long. The fact that she does not otherwise move only adds to a genealogist's joy. They drone on all the merrier, believing they have found a kindred soul.

Don't suffer a minute longer. Set Ann up in your genealogy section today. With her rapt expression and her happily nodding head, Ann keeps librarians from descending into descendant madness. Colors may vary.

Item #176-Ann Nuent, Bobble Head Librarian-$1495

The Secret Code of Library Happiness and Wealth

2008-04-12T14:32:00.005-04:00

Fad books are an irritant. Trendy titles needlessly eat up book budgets. Patrons scream for multiple copies of the hottest craze. The library has to acquire them or there will be no peace. After the fad dies out the book will never be checked out again. It will sit taking up shelf space until it is weeded twenty years into the future. The library will also receive 100+ donated copies, most of which will be discarded.

There's no need to purchase those tree-killers anymore! Get the fabulous Fad Book Template. This money-saving software means you'll never have to shell out for some bit of trendy claptrap ever again. Just input a little data, choose from Gouger's comprehensive cover art database, and slap the whole mess together. Viola! You've just created this week's best seller. Don't worry about content. Gouger has created some generic filler for the most popular temporary non-fiction. The Fad Book Template is Windows XP, Mac, and Univac compatible.

Please indicate type(s) of book:

Exercise With an Aging B-List Celebrity in Tights
Diets Which Involve No Effort or Reduction in Food Intake
Get Rich Quick Without Any Capital or Common Sense
The Secrets to an Unrealistically Happy Life of Fulfillment
Why the Current Government is No Damn Good and How to Fix it Immediately

Why make some lucky opportunistic hack rich? End the Book-of-the-Minute Club with Gouger's Great Gizmo. The simple instructions make it all so easy. Call now. Operators miss you.

Item #175-Fad Book Template-$39.95 (specify operating system or let us choose for you)

Are You an Object of Pity and Scorn?

2008-04-09T16:39:00.006-04:00

Don't suffer in silence in your silent workplace any longer. Too many librarians are the victims of that horrible ear malady; Bibliotic Graphitous. Yes, the shame of having ears incapable of holding a pencil is a trauma that no professional should face. The ill-disguised whispers at meetings. The pointing and staring when colleagues think you aren't looking. Never having a pencil handy when you need one. The fact is you just don't feel like a real librarian without a pencil behind your ear.

Those ear-groove widening devices sold by other library vendors end in nothing but heartaches, earaches, and empty pocketbooks. That they offer such quackery at all shows their lack of ethics. Wider ear grooves aren't the answer. Thinner pencils are. Always the innovator, Gouger has come up with a line of slightly skinnier high quality pencils. So simple. So wonderful.

Short people have elevator shoes. The prematurely grey have hair dye. The small eared have Gouger's Gracile Pencils. Give yourself a dose of scribbly self-confidence today. It will be our little yellow secret. Order now!

Item #174-Gracile Pencils-$9.95 per gross

A Blast From the Repast

2008-04-07T13:23:00.006-04:00

It's time to eat at the library. You are hungry. Librarians usually rush around like maniacs trying to get the essentials of a dinner together before their meal time is over. Bagged lunches taste like crap, but who has time to go out? Even if there is a decent restaurant close by, it's too expensive to dine out very often. And you had better have that all-essential reading material ready and waiting. Browse the shelves too long and you go unfed. If only there were ready-to-eat dinners just for librarians.

Gouger Library Supplies, that innovator of all things Librarianish, has developed just such a product. Be prepared to devour our new line of microwave meals, the delectable Bibliographic Main Entrees. Each of these nutritious dinners consists of a mouth-watering main course, yummy side dish, generous dessert, and an interesting little book. Here at Gouger, we know your needs. Try all of these scrumptious choices:

Chicken Tenders is the Night
Life of Turkey Pot Pi
All Creatures Great and Edible
S is for Salisbury Steak
The Curious Incident of the Corn-Dog in the Nite-Time

Gouger's Blickey Brand trays mean the entree stays hot, the dessert doesn't get all mushy, and the book stays dry and interesting. And that's not all! Bibliographic Main Entrees never need refrigeration! No more wasting valuable time searching through the all the crap cluttering the library ice box. Just keep a stack of our dinners right in your desk. Thus, no muss and no fuss. Trust us.

Item #173-Bibliographic Main Entrees-$9.95 per dozen

Meet Your Waterloo

2008-04-03T16:28:00.007-04:00

Librarians are often treated like gods. Specifically, Hercules laboring in the Augean stables. Every library is cursed with patrons who, for unfathomable reasons, live to befoul the bathrooms. All staff members have their suspicions as to the identity of these loathsome cretins, but proving it is both awkward and disgusting. Even if you are sure, who the hell wants to deal with that situation?

Unlike Hercules, your staff doesn't have any handy rivers to divert to clean the john. Some lucky soul breaks out the gloves, brushes, and chemical goodies and retches their way through the task. Gouger says "No more!". Being librarians ourselves, we feel your smelly pain and dry heaves. That's why we've come up with the sensational Scarnner Scanner. Set this system up at any desk and your body fluid cleanup days are over.

This revolutionary restroom monitor scans each patron's library card as they enter the can. If the sensitive sensors detect a rise in the filth levels (smells and surfaces), the Silent-But-Deadly Alarm is activated. If you choose to confront Piggy the Patron, the choice is yours. Should you chose not to, the Scarnner Scanner will end their reign of poopy terror for you. With one terabyte of memory, this fine machine remembers all offenders. Your bathroom doors lock tight whenever any clinchpoop approaches . Give this life and sanity saving product a try. It's craptactular!

Item #172-Scarnner Scanner-$74.99

She's Real Fine, My 409.09

2008-03-31T13:15:00.009-04:00

Shelving books is a drag. Bookcarts are notoriously heavy and unwieldy. You are on your feet for hours-bending, dragging, and stretching. This is why the job gets pawned off on teenagers as frequently as humanly possible. Librarians claim their great professional skills are better used on loftier projects. This is mostly a big whoopsie lie. Shelving is as boring as hell and it can make your back and feet hurt. Mostly it's boring.

Be bored no more, you pretentious prevaricator! Everyone from the director on down will be fighting to shelve after you buy Gouger's fun-filled Speed Reader Book Cart. These fantastic vehicles are a brilliant combination of go-kart and bookcart! With a 20hp rechargable engine and a top speed of 40mph, there's plenty of pep to zoom around putting stuff away. Think of the fun you'll have "bookin" through the library on these zippy carts! Speed Readers carry as many books as a standard bookcart and have snazzy spinner hubcaps to boot. Throw in an awesome custom paint job with your library's logo and you've got the ultimate book moving machine. Bitchin'!

Make shelving fun for a change. All those long library aisles and blind alleys just scream "Librarians, Start Your Engines"! Not that you or your staff would ever dream of racing these book carts in a reckless manner. Especially after hours and with wagering involved. Speed Reader Book Carts are for responsible shelving use only. HeeHeeHee.

Item #171-Speed Reader Book Carts-$495

Saint Augustine Approved!

2008-03-29T14:31:00.008-04:00

As a librarian you spend a good part of your work day trying to get people to shut the hell up. It can get very frustrating and you probably mumble little curses under your breath with some regularity. But be honest. When the gossip is good, library staff have been known to gather and chat a bit. Or more than a bit. It's hard to maintain any sort of credibility shushing patrons when your own people are dishing the dirt with such audible gusto.

Scolding your own can lead to all sorts of problems. Why not install a cute Hippo-Critter Multiquence Monitor at each service desk? When chit-chat volume reaches an unacceptable level, this sweet little figurine goes into action. The eyes flash a blinding angry red and he spins around and around. Library staff will know to put a sock in it when Hippo-Critter goes on a rampage. This solar-powered zeekoe is easy to set at any noise level desired.

Order several now. Or wither in well-deserved shame, you noisy faker.

Item #170-Hippo-Critter Multiquence Monitor-$9.95 each

Better Chemistry Through Librarianship

2008-03-27T11:43:00.006-04:00

The most dreaded time of all has arrived at your library. The Powers-That-Be have decided to change computer systems. This means endless downtime, extremely unhappy patrons, even unhappier staff, and no real difference in computer efficiency. It's true. Everyone has to struggle to learn a different, yet equally crummy, new system. All new mysterious commands, quirks, and hidden glitches. Reports that are still incorrect and unhelpful, but in a fresh and totally different new way. It would be funny if it wasn't so awful.

Well, Gouger can't make sucky system software swell, but we can help take the sting out of dealing with it. The next time a changeover is in the cards, send for an order of Database Downers. This fantastic assortment of tranquilizers is sure to soothe the harried nerves of any library staff. Gouger's resident chemist Dr. Jason (MLS, Phd, WTF) has selected a wonderful potpourri of powerful calming pharmaceuticals. The computers still won't work right, but we guarantee the staff will maintain a professionally placid attitude throughout the transition period. Database Downers. Get 'em. 'Cause you know you're gonna need 'em.

Item #169-Database Downers-$14.95 per 1000

The Wilder Ones

2008-03-21T08:43:00.007-04:00

Smatchet Storybooks continues to bring the finest in children's literature to our valued customers. These Gouger exclusives are sure to become enduring classics. Our newest offering is a recently discovered addition to an already beloved series. Recently unearthed among the papers of a famous and disreputable literary agent, Gouger is pleased to be the first to offer the newest adventures in the saga of the Ingalls family.

Big House on the Prairie : Pa Pinched Poaching chronicles the "lost year" of this frontier family. Charles Ingalls, having failed as a farmer in at least three states, is forced to hunt on private land to feed his growing family of females. Tragedy strikes when he is arrested and sent to the penitentiary. Children will be engrossed by the adventures of Laura and her family as they struggle survive without Pa. While pious Mary is inclined to leave Pa to rot for his sins, Ma and the rest of the girls rise to the occasion in true pioneer spirit. They sew him a patchwork ladder, bake him a hacksaw, and knit him a pistol. After Pa makes good his escape, the family moves to Dakota to try farming themselves to death again. Spoiler : That Nellie Oleson finally gets the ass-kicking she so richly deserves. Heartwarming.

Be sure to pick up multiple copies of this updated classic American children's story. Order now.

Item #168-Smatchet Storybook #7-$14.95

Devious DVD

2008-03-17T13:31:00.006-04:00

Hey, Librarians! It's time to indulge your inner book snob. It can be distressing to spend countless hours selecting quality books to build a fine collection only to discover that most of your townsfolk would rather be watching Plan 9 from Battlefield Earth. Or some other stupid-ass movie. If books flew off the shelves like DVDs do most librarians would die from sheer joy. The circulation figures alone would convince the city to fund 7 more branches.

That's a real possibility when you use Gouger's sneaky new Panstora's Box. Each of these sly boxes appear to be a regular DVD case, complete with appropriate graphics. But instead of a shiny disc of Hollywood horseflop, each contains a teensy book. That's right, we said it. A book. That lovely little reason people built libraries in the first place. Sure, your patrons will be mad at first. But after a while, with nothing else to do, they just might give this reading thing a try. Gouger supplies a wide variety of mini books in each case. From trashy novels to history to car repair, Panstora's Boxes showcase what your book collection has to offer.

Start a trend and give it a try. You know you want to. You old highbrow elitist you.

Item #167-Panstora's Box-$9.95 each

You Light Up My Library

2008-03-15T14:28:00.004-04:00

Recommending a good book is something librarians like to do. Patrons appreciate the insight from someone with personal knowledge of the best the library has to offer. The usual method is to make up different book lists and display them around the building. But if your library is like most, there are so many pamphlets, posters, handouts, signs, and bookmarks that the chances of a patron finding them are poor.

Let Gouger light the way to the books your patrons will love. Introducing our spiffy Twirly Girl Lighted Bookmarks. Place these lightweight luminous bookmarks in any book, anywhere! Call immediate attention to favored volumes all over the library. Patrons will be drawn to your Recommended Reading like moths to a porch light. Twirly Girls soft spinning light make it so easy for readers to browse for the best.

And that's not all. These quality bookmarks come in a variety of shapes and colors. Summer Reading for the 8th grade? Look for the blue star lights. Romance novels with no sex or swearing? Send Grandma towards the pretty pink heart lights. The possibilities are endless. Set the best your library has to offer all aglow today. Order now. Or soon. C'mon.

Item #166-Twirly Girl Lighted Bookmarks-$9.95 per 50

Satan Loves It When Books Are Harmed

2008-03-12T16:33:00.006-04:00

Gouger Library Supplies knows that librarians need to stretch every dollar in their measly budgets. We share your feelings of furious outrage at book vandals and thieves. Our newest product will stem the tide of mangled materials and shredded volumes.

It works on the premise of superstition and guilt. Biblioklepts and their kind will feel a terrifying pang of dreadful foreboding when they spy a Hex Libris Bookplate adorning your library's volumes. These handsomely evil bookplates are made from a unique type of self-adhesing vellum. They're crafted from real sacrificial lambskin! Each bookplate is decorated with a wickedly adorable devil's head (pictured) and a inscribed with a chilling Gouger-Tested Librarian's Curse:

If This Book Ye Not Return, Forever in Hell Shall Ye Burn!
Theft of Books Bears a Heavy Toll, Be These Pages Worth Thy Soul?
As Thy Taxes Pay My Wages, I Curse the Shit Who Rips These Pages!
Return Me In Days Three Times Seven, Or Never Shall Ye Enter Heaven!

Shame, Guilt, and Fear. Hex Libris brand bookplates utilize this noble triumvirate to reduce your library's losses. Order 10,000 or more and we'll add your library's name and logo for free.

Item #165-Hex Libris Bookplates-$6.66 per thousand

Cruel to be Kindling

2008-03-11T13:28:00.006-04:00

There comes a time in every librarian's career when they are trapped on the telephone in The Reference Interview That Will Not End. No matter how many times an answer is given or a concept explained, the patron simply will not let go. The entire conversation takes on a surreal quality as time, space, and common sense begin to blur and melt away. A line forms. As other patrons wait for your attention, they too are helplessly drawn into the Endless Reference Question Void.

Just hang up, outsiders might say. But librarians know it's not that simple. These patrons call will call back immediately, convinced they were cut off. Even flat out denial of further service merely leads to a eternal conversation on this exciting new topic. The trick is to just stop the conversation dead and never let it resume. But how?

Gouger is here for you. Get a load of our newest gadget, Sam & Sara False Alarm. Designed by two cynical MLasseS at one of the nation's largest libraries, the S&S attaches easily to any standard telephone. When a reference transaction gets out of hand, just pull the handle. The blaring sound of a fire alarm will drone over any babbler, no matter how persistent. And no harm done. That's because a Sam & Sara False Alarm is only audible over the phone. Patrons standing right in front of you will be blissfully unaware of your clever ruse. You rascal. Break the cycle and order now.

Item #164-Sam & Sara False Alarm-$19.95

Ending Lending Through Vending!

2008-03-07T13:32:00.007-05:00

Librarians are constantly being hit up for free office supplies. Apparently, because we lend books and stuff, everything else in the building must be fair game as well. When refused, the patron becomes angry at the library's perceived cheapness. After all, one pen or a few paper clips isn't going to bankrupt the place. They're taxpayers, you know.

Of course, this line of patron logic fails to take into account the fact that 100+ people a day ask for the same materials. It adds up. Fast. And every box of markers "lent" and staples that are "borrowed" means fewer funds for books and stuff. If the real costs were ever added up, the library board would pitch a major fit.

Well, here at Gouger we have added these costs up. After we finished our fit, we designed a wondrous solution. Make some money instead with the Adios Moochachos Vending Machine. Just stock this easy-to-operate machine with all your patron's stationery needs. There's plenty of room for notebooks, mini staplers, full-size pencils, tape, and so much more. You choose the inventory and set the prices. It's win-win.

Turn this maddening minus into a money-making plus today. We promise it will pay for itself with 6 months. That's the famous Gouger Guarantee.

Item #163-Adios Moochachos Vending Machine-$1100

Clear the Air

2008-03-04T13:18:00.006-05:00

One loud person in a library is bad. Library noise is not unlike a communicable disease. When a carrier is about others will easily succumb to the malady. And like anything contagious, it spreads at an alarming rate until everyone is infected. Noise begets noise.

Dealing with an epidemic of Library Logorrhea can be overwhelming. Traditional shushing methods just won't work on an entire room of gibbering jabbering patrons. Approaching everyone individually would be ineffective and is also logistically impossible. But nothing is impossible for us here at Gouger Library Supplies! We've got a swell new product that kills chitchat dead.

Get instant and lasting quiet with our Cut the Bullhorn Room Silencer. This 150-decibel bullhorn delivers a message that every one in the building will hear and understand immediately. Give folks an incontinence-inducing jolt of manners with one of the messages built into this fine instrument:

QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIET!!!!!!
SHUT UP!!!!!!!
DO YOOOOOOOU MIND????!!!!
SILENCE!!!
YOU'RE IN A LIIIIIIBBBBRRRARRRRRYYYYYY!!!!!

Use these fine phrases or make up your own. And it's so easy to operate. Just press a button and let 'er rip. Runs on 1 AA battery (included). Anna Tate of the Fetid Falls Free Library says "I love my Cut the Bullhorn! It shut up 3 floors of bullshitters, gossips, and yappy staff instantly. They must have jumped a foot each! It was priceless". Order now and we'll include a free set of stylish operator earplugs.

Item #162-Cut the Bullhorn Room Silencer-$79.95

No Taxation Information Without Compensation!

2008-02-25T13:21:00.006-05:00

Tax time. The mere mention of this loathsome season is enough to make most librarians scream in gut-wrenching torment. That librarians put themselves through this nightmare year after year speaks of their amazing goodness and/or extreme wimpiness. If there was a humongous tax break awarded for being the unwilling front-line troops of the IRS it might be worth it. But there ain't and it isn't.

Keep the public informed of the library's taxation information limitations with Gouger's newest Non-Lame Library T-Shirt. This trendy garment boldly declares "MLS Not IRS : No Tax Advice". This all-wadmol shirt absolves you of any tax knowledge beyond where the damn things are located in the building. And even that's pushing it. Buy a dozen of these fine shirts- you're going to need one for every day of the week until April 16th.

Please specify size : X-Small, X-Medium, Consortium

Item #161-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

It Rhymes With Frog

2008-02-19T17:04:00.008-05:00

Long or strange words got you down? Haunted by dreadful feelings of etyomological kakorrhaphiophobia? Gouger's award-winning Reference Reprint Series has just published the resource to end the Big Word Blues.

Any Reference Bibliothecary will love the thoroughgoing Lake Webster's Dictionary. Originally written in 1892 and published by the renowned reference firm of Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg & Offspring, this treasure trove of lengthy and odd words is a bibliobibuli's delight. Lake Webster's Dictionary is an exhaustive calepin of rocambolesque words, all clearly defined and easy to locate.

Librarians everywhere will maffick the re-release of this classic title. For generations Lake Webster's Dictionary has aided Lexiphanic Librarians locate lost language. Invest in a copy of and have fantastic words like blennophobia at your dactylions. Why use short and understandable words? That's for dodipolls. You're a Librarian. So sound like one. Take a trip to Lake Webster and dive into all the hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian delights it has to offer.

Item #160-Lake Webster's Dictionary-$35.00

Never Gonna Let You Go

2008-02-16T14:27:00.009-05:00

Today's librarian strives to provide the technology their public craves. Unfortunately, thanks to the typical library budget, today's library is a treasure trove of yesterday's technology. It's a safe bet that your library is the proud possessor of many an outmoded antique. That's a shame. Those old gadgets were wonderful. Gouger knows how librarians can't bear or afford to part with anything even remotely useful. And with such a dim economic future, it makes sense to be frugal.

Are your beloved contraptions lying idle because of a missing part or two? Gouger is the source for all your antiquated library supplies. Here's just a sampling of what our Outmoded Offal Objects catalog has to offer:

Gramophones & Needles (metal and bamboo!)
Overhead Projectors & Transparencies
Stereoscopes & Stereoviews
Magic Lanterns, Bulbs, and Slides
Radio Tubes
Mimeograph Parts & Huffing Ink
Microfilm Reels & Commonly Broken in Anger Parts
DuMont Televisions & Tubes
8 Track Players & Tapes
16mm Projector Bits & Pieces

Admit it. There's at least one of these amazing and still serviceable anacronisms lurking in your library. With Gouger's help you can fix 'em up, dust 'em off, and put 'em back in service. It's the Librarian Way. Send for our amazing catalog today.

Item #159-Outmoded Offal Catalog-Free upon request

Work Shy, Don't Bother Me

2008-02-12T16:22:00.004-05:00

When our last DVD for librarians was such a huge hit, we here at Gouger reached the responsible corporate decision to milk as much money as humanly possible out of this lucritive fluke. While all of our products are marvels of humorous ingenuity, not all of them are embraced by the library community with such enthusiasm. Plus, we always want to make a quick buck.

In that same spirit, Gouger is pleased to unveil our newest AV offering to entertain the library professional. We've created a riveting reality show that pits the nation's most notorious work-shy patrons and library layabouts against each other to see who will win the title of American Idle. Librarians everywhere will watch until the bitter end to see which loafer will reign supreme. Watch in familiar facsination as each lazybones spends all day hanging about a library. How do they get by without working? Do they live off their mothers? Don't they get bored? They never seem to read anything. Watch and wonder at all this and more in this non-action packed, ultra slow-placed drama.

Librarians around the world are sure to be mesmerized by this ridiculous show. Spoiler : Yes, of course they all live off their mothers. But you knew that.

Item #158-American Idle DVD-$19.95

It's Gyropatron!

2008-02-07T16:26:00.000-05:00

Nothing can scare you. You work the Circulation Desk. Your workday consists of lending and taking back library stuff and being lied to by loutish citizens. Their taxes pay your salary, you know. This quirky avenue of patron reasoning apparently justifies treating those who serve the public like shit. This is the nature of any job involving waiting on others. Nature of the beast, literally.

Gouger can't change the beast, but we can help you score those immoral victories that save worker sanity. A little humor is the best medicine for a healthy Circulation system. Purchase a few of our Schadenfreude Scatter 'Em Rugs to place in front of the Circ Desk. These stylish accent rugs compliment any library decor. Each rug has the patented Patron Pirouette mechanism installed. Simply push the discreet button and the SSR will spin like mad. It will be giggles galore when Mr. B.A. Stard suddenly breaks into a spirited, if unwilling, rendition of "The Twist". The staff will love it. That's a Gouger Guarantee.

Some people think the whole world revolves around them. Who are you to argue?

Item #157-Schadenfreude Scatter 'Em Rugs-$24.95 per pair

Collection Development Made Easy

2008-02-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the month again. No, not that. But something nearly as annoying. It's time for media selection! Just the thought of plowing through a whole magazine's worth of plot summaries is enough to make a strong librarian weep. These endless snippets reveal a world of novels so asinine they give the words "waste of time" a whole new meaning.

There used to be no way around this odious task. The people want fiction and you've got to supply it. Gouger has heard your pitiful screams of agony. Prepare for free time galore once you subscribe to our new book review magazine Bookgist! Edited by that eminent librarian Timmy Noggy, this stupendous serial dispenses with plot descriptions altogether. Every month Bookgist delivers only what you need to know to make purchasing choices. Here's what's in a typical listing:

Author
Title
Price
ISBN

What makes Bookgist so special is Gouger's exclusive Buy It/Screw It Feature. These are the quick and dirty reasons whether or not you need to buy. Collection development was never so straightforward as this:

BUY IT - crappy author, high demand
SCREW IT - work of great cultural importance that no one will read
BUY IT - stinkin' Oprah!
SCREW IT- $35 bucks for a novel!?! Please.
BUY IT - being made into a movie
SCREW IT - debut author, why risk it?
BUY IT - part of a mystery/SF series
SCREW IT - start of a mystery/SF series

Beautiful. Bookgist. This periodical is definitely a BUY IT. Order now. Operators want to chat.

Item #156-Bookgist Magazine (ISSN 7734-666X)-$57.95 per year

Liar, Liar! Pants Engulfed in Flames!

2008-02-04T13:34:00.000-05:00

Patrons often ask "Where are the Test Books?". That's a damn good question, because they sure aren't anywhere in the library. Taking deposits is more trouble than it's worth. Making them reference renders them useless. If you are tired of all the GEDs and ASVABs going AWOL, Gouger has just the product your library needs.

Invest in a Pants Afire Test Book Polygraph. This phenomenal machine makes Test Book circulation risk-free. The PATBP is ready to use straight out of the box. And it's so easy to operate. Just attach the electrode to the borrower's finger and ask if they intend to return the book on time. Or ever. The results are simple to interpret-no complicated graph paper or vague charts. Your staff will know within seconds if you are dealing with a LSAT LIAR or a PSAT prevaricator.

Never set another test book to missing because of some theiving weasel. Gouger can not be held responsible for any other questions posed to patrons out of staff curiosity, as interesting as those questions may be. Not that we're suggesting anything, but keep us in the loop.

Item #155-Pants Afire Test Book Polygraph-$275

Send in the Clones

2008-01-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

Teachers. They know nothing of libraries. Every year without fail they will assign 500+ hapless students the same book. Of course, the library owns a maximum of 3 or 4 copies of this title. And 2 of those are probably missing. Naturally, angry parents blame the library for this silly state of affairs. You people have books! Aren't you a part of the schools? What kind of idiot runs this place, anyway? Sigh.

You're the idiot who runs this place. So stop taking crap for educator incompetence with a Gouger Reprobater Replicator Book Cloner. This fabulous machine will endlessly duplicate copies of any in-demand book, cover and all! Merely place a copy in the machine, set the controls for number of books needed, and close the cover. The RRBC can clone an Animal Farm in about a minute; a Clan of the Cave Bear in about three. It's that simple. Simple as a teacher.

And never worry about copyrights. Gouger's Research Team has discovered that this machine is scientifically impossible. Our Evil Cabal o' Lawyers has therefore determined that it is not possible to sue a paradox. So don't be afraid of cranking out 200 copies of The Catcher in the Rye. Natalie Attired of the Hircine Hills County Library declares "I don't even barcode 'em. They never come back anyway. And it's so easy to make more"! You too will enjoy this devil-may-care attitude when your library has a Reprobater Replicator Book Cloner.

Item #154-Reprobater Replicator Book Cloner-$395

Catch of the Day

2008-01-28T13:28:00.000-05:00

For a child a library building is a huge and wondrous playhouse. The long aisles practically beg a kid to make a joyful screaming run for it. The shelving is perfect for a merry game of hide and seek. Every day little brats go flying about the library squealing with naughty delight. Mom and Dad? Nowhere in sight. They're across the library surfing the Internet. Or picking out some asinine movie. But when you dare suggest little Judy and Elroy stop tear-assing around, they're sure to get all huffy and mad. What to do?

Ensnare those rapidly racing rug rats with Gouger's handy Brat Trap. This sturdy mesh net is so simple to install. Merely place it in the desired location and set the invisible trip wire. Kids can race in but they can't race out. And the large capacity means you won't be emptying it all the time. The BT can hold an average library's daily catch of unsupervised hellions. And it's so fun to watch. Catch and release? It's your call. Order now. Operators are lonely.

Item #153-Brat Trap-$149.95

Don't Be Full of IT

2008-01-25T13:26:00.000-05:00

The children's game of Tag provides an insightful analogy to the adult working world. Everyone playing runs around all confused and there's lots of yelling and no direction. But most of all everybody tries to avoid being "IT". Because when you're IT, you've gotten tagged and now you suck. Others flee from you. In the grownup world that means you're stuck with some horrid task that everyone else has dumped. Budget Focus Group? You're IT! Revising the staff handbook by next week? You're IT! AND NO TAG BACKS!

Never be the "IT" Girl again with Gouger's patented Librarian Pocket Goo. You remember Goo. When you're touching Goo you can never, ever be IT. Powerful stuff to have and Gouger's got it. Our Goo you provides magical immunity in any professional situation where others attempt to pawn off their crapwork off on you. We can't show you this mysterious item, but rest assured it's the best Goo money can buy. So play nice and buy some now.

Item #152-Librarian Pocket Goo-$9.95

Play Misty For Me

2008-01-24T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's winter time again and all the library windows are shut tight. The heat is cranked up high and fresh air is just a silly fantasy. This is when the library's more mephitic patrons really become an issue. There's just no chance of escape from the trapped-indoors odors of the hygienically challenged. Eyes begin to water. Hold back those dry heaves!

There's no need to wretch any longer. Stop this smelly problem before it kills you with a Gouger Misting Security Arch. Strategically install these fine devices over each library entrance. Since they look like a regular "beeping" exit arch, they blend in with any library decor. Each entering patron is treated with an barely perceptible full-body spray. The Misting Security Arch arrives at your door fully assembled and ready deodorize the masses. As an added bonus, we've included an extra 10 gallons refill of our Downwind Brand destinkifying Misting Solution.

It's the arch that's unscented from heaven! Order immediately, because summer ain't gonna be any better.

Item #151-Misting Security Arch-$895

Hey Hey! We're the Monkeys!

2008-01-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

It is a proven fact that telephone salespeople are responsible for more librarians dying of boredom than professional meetings. Once they get you on the phone a library salesman can blather for decades about whatever overpriced crap they have to sell. If you hang up, they call back. If you tell them to go to hell, they just laugh. You begin to fear there is no escape.

Don't cry. Not only will Gouger never employ telemarketers, we sell just the thing to help you torment the firms that do. Since there is no way to shut them up, let the innovative Phone Monkey waste their time. As soon as some huckster starts gibbering, hand the receiver over to this adorable simian. Playful Phone Monkeys produce an assortment of realistic human sounds that mimic conversation. Some telegrifters have stayed on the line for hours!

Retribution was never so cute or so much fun! Patrons love monkeys and librarians hate salespeople. It's win-win. Order today and get a free traditional little monkey fez.

Item #150-Phone Monkey-$99.95

Do You Want to Put this Dance on Your Visa Card, Sir?

2008-01-19T14:21:00.000-05:00

Be a winner in the War Against Cell Phones! Gouger Library Supplies has a hilarious new weapon to vanquish the evil Phone Yapping Moron Patrons (Pymps). Asking a Pymp to take their calls elsewhere only leads to dirty looks and being ignored. Since you have to listen to inane personal conversations, why not join in? Talking loud in a community space obviously means it must be a participatory event.

This fine bit of logic justifies the purchase of a Bucci Phone Fiddler. Developed by the prominent Library Scientist Dr. A. Bucci, the Phone Fiddler lets you join in any cell phone conversation. Just think of the possibilities! Your witty commentary will spice up any conversation your thick-as-a-plank Pymp may be having. Can't think of anything clever to say? Every Phone Fiddler has a treasure trove of hysterical pre-recorded quips and insults. Just push the button and prepare to laugh.

But wait, there's even more! Through the brilliant research of Dr. Bucci, you can chose from hundreds of uproarious background noises to add excitement to any Pymp's important conversation. The Transgendered Strip Club with the Friendly Lap Dancers audio scenario was a great favorite in the testing phase. The easy-to-use Phone Fiddler will change the way libraries approach cell phone users. And it's snazzy lookin', too. Bless you, Dr. Bucci!

Item #149-Bucci Phone Fiddler-$37.95

Read Slow Your Book

2008-01-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

The State of Rhode Island has proud tradition of being the preferred setting for classic children's books. This tiny wonderland has been the dream destination for generations of storybook readers. Gouger's Smatchet Storybook series is happy to add yet another title to this magical literary heritage.

Readers of all ages will love There's a Wocket in Woonsocket, newly discovered among the papers of beloved author Dr. Zeus. The young protagonist encounters delightful creatures as he travels around the Ocean State. The Wocket is a beast that spouts silly backwards rhymes that seem vaguely French. He is joined by other funny fellows like the Wapponaug from Apponaug, the Chucket from Pawtucket, and Awful Leech of Oaklawn Beach . Together they all climb magical Baloney Hill in Olneyville where they have a delicious lunch at the New York System. Yummy.

All Children's Librarians will want to order multiple copies of what is sure to become a beloved story time favorite. It's more fun than the Big Blue Bug.

Item #148-Smatchet Storybook #6-$14.95

Gouger's Gotz the Botz

2008-01-15T13:28:00.000-05:00

Aren't those wheeled step stools sold by other library vendors great? They stay firmly in place when stepped on. They're lightweight, sturdy, and affordable. Pity you can never find one when you need one. No matter how many are placed around the building they are always somewhere else. By the time you locate one and drag it back, you've forgotten what you needed to reach in the first place. So, you continue to buy additional step stools to put around the library. A vicious circle develops.

Gouger is here to help. You'll only need a few of our new and improved StepBotz Brand Step Stools. We've taken a beloved library standard and enhanced it beyond belief. That's because StepBotz come when you call them! Whenever you need a ladder, merely whisper "StepBot" and one will race to your feet within seconds. (StepBotz do not respond to shouting) StepBotz have built-in sensors to prevent intentional collisions. And after hours, nothing is more fun than a staff StepBotz race. These little guys can really haul.

Each StepBotz comes complete with an energy-efficient overnight recharger. Buy a precious few for your library today. Order before the end of the month and Gouger will imprint your library's name on each purchase.

Item #147-StepBotz Step Stool-$49.95

Kids Like Us, Baby We Were Born to Read

2008-01-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

Gouger's line of Non-Lame Library T-Shirts have been a huge success. Librarians everywhere love to wear these cutesy-free garments on their days off. Some are even brave enough to wear them to work. This type of courage makes us proud to take your money.

For these inspirational professionals, we are pleased offer yet another trendy bit of library apparel. Feast your eyes on this pre-shrunk cotton shirt which boldly proclaims many a librarian's philosophy of human existence : "This Sucks - Gimme a Book!". Wow. Deep.

Be the envy of all literate library lads and ladies. Don a Gouger Garment and let the world know you have enough money to buy a T-shirt with funny words on it. Librarians Rule! Please specify size : (X-Small, X-Medium, Branch Library)

Item #146-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

It's a Library Thing

2008-01-11T08:47:00.000-05:00

As a Library Professional, do you long to break the rules? You know you do. Gouger has just the product to provide the cheap thrills you crave. If your library is like most, you've been warned to not to even think of touching a thermostat. In fact, the damn things are probably locked. It doesn't matter if there's icicles on the periodicals or the shelvers keep spontaneously combusting. It's just not allowed. It's a Library Thing.

Entertain your inner rebel with our new Thermostat Twiddler. This tiny stealth device instantly changes the library's temperature at your whim. Enjoy the comfort that you've yearned for. Or adjust the climate for your personal amusement. Think of the evil delight the next time some obnoxious group occupies the meeting room. Roast 'em or deep freeze 'em? One than the other? The choice is all yours.

Small enough to hide in the palm of your hand, the Thermostat Twiddler is a wondrous gadget for any MLS. And it's so simple to use! Just set the temperature you desire, point and click. Gouger Library Supplies. We're the source for sneaky library fun.

Item #145-Thermostat Twiddler-$14.95

The Duck Goes "Quack Quack"

2008-01-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

Gouger's Remainders of the Day series is honored to announce the addition of a groundbreaking medical title! Unlike so many authors who promise instant health using "natural" methods and theories, our newest book is boringly scientific. It's full of sound, if non-miraculous, medical research and advice. According to the doctors who authored Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You To Die From, keeping healthy involves assorted unpleasantries and few guarantees. It's a conspiracy!

These brave authors have banded together to expose a tedious plot of employing scientifically tested medicines and procedures. Unlike the healing wisdom of the ancients, these methods are constantly changing to produce a more effective cure. They are expensive, scary, and often don't succeed. No pretty crystals, no seven herbs and spices. Sure it sucks. Aromatherapy is much nicer than chemotherapy.

Only Gouger has the guts to publish the ugly truth. Get this shocking book for your collection while the authors are still out on bail. It's all a frame-up by the homeo, osteo, psycho, and other pathic establishment.

Item #144-Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You To Die From-$24.95

Every Little Bit Helps

2008-01-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

The etymology of the word "underfunded" reveals its deep roots in the Library Sciences. Unda is the ancient Farsi word for "get bent" and fyndead is Olde Welsh for "library budget". As you can see, the relationship between poverty and libraries is an ancient one. And it's not one that's going to change any time soon, sister, You need every penny you can get your book-buying mitts on and Gouger is here to help.

Chuck out your library's crappy old chairs and replace them with Gouger's plush Pickpocket Peculator Armchair. These super-comfy chairs just beckon patrons to sit down and relax a while. That's when Gouger's secret weapon comes into play. P.P. chairs are designed at a subtle angle that quietly tips the contents of the user's pockets right into a secret compartment. A well-hidden tray underneath captures all the treasure. After closing, simply remove the tray and ta-dah! Funds galore. Make up a story. You got a grant.

These luxurious chairs will pay for themselves in less than 6 months. Another fine product with the famous Gouger guarantee. Please specify color.

Item #143-Pickpocket Peculator Armchair-$149 per pair

Igor! Fetch Me the Reader's Guide!

2008-01-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

Gouger Library Supplies has always been proud of our desipient line of merchandise for the discerning Library Professional. Our customers hold many important-sounding degrees in the Library Sciences. Ergo, they are scientists. And as scientists, Librarians deserve the help that other scientists have employed for centuries.

That's right. Be the first librarian in your consortium to have their very own Gouger Evil Laboratory Assistant! These quality henchmen live to do your every bibliographic bidding. Pesky patrons? Belligerent board? Monsterous meeting? Let your own personal Igor loose with the boiling oil and unholy monsters. You'll wonder how you ever got along without them. Their malevolent laughter and depraved eagerness to help will brighten your workday for eons to come. That's a Gouger guarantee.

So whether you plan global library domination or just want to finish your paperwork uniterrupted for a change, you'll love having an Evil Laboratory Assistant to lend a hand. Please specify male/female/whatever's scariest. Colors may vary.

Item #142-Evil Laboratory Assistant-$1500

The Silence of the Damns

2008-01-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

Shut Up, Shut Up, Dammit to Hell Shut Up! No matter what you do your library has a decibel level that rivals a Who concert. You spend your workday reinforcing every librarian stereotype in the world. Do you despise scolding thoughtless morons all day? Gouger is proud to add another item to our fine range of patron muting products.

You will appear as the very essence of civility when you set out a dish or two of our imported Omerta Brand Mints. These quality candies cause a refreshing case of temporary speechlessness. They freshen the breath while shutting the mouth. Buy a ton or more and Gouger will throw in a dozen free Crystalastic candy dishes. They look great in with any library decor.

Take the Harpocratic Oath today with some delicious Omerta Brand Mints. We like to call them Contentmints. Place your order today.

Item #141-Omerta Brand Mints-$4.95 per 100 lb bag

Now About These Fines, Lady

2008-01-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

Working at the Circulation Desk means dealing with the public. And dealing with the public means stress. Circulation staff are famous in the profession for painful ulcers, stress disorders, and uncontrollable weeping. If only there were some kind of therapeutic tool to help them cope with the repressed fury they struggle to control. Gouger has the tool that will do all that and more.

We've combined the traditional date-due stamp with a fearsome wooden mallet. You can almost see the catharsis happening with each checkout. Your circ staff will love pounding out their frustrations a couple of hundred times a day. As an added bonus, the mere presence of these hefty hammers pares patron pushiness by a prodigious percentage! Made of sturdy hardwood and reinforced with iron bars, the easy-to-use Patron Piledriver is a quality dating item. Make it the stamp of choice for your Circulation Gang.

Item #140-Patron Piledriver-$23.95 per pair

The Story You Are About To See is True

2007-12-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

Attention all librarians! Prepare to laugh your M.L.ASS. off. You're gonna love our hilarious new DVD Incident Reports Gone Wild. We've taken our customer's most outrageous true library stories and compiled them into over 2 hours of real-life insanity! Hosted by some drunken old TV has-been, each mind-boggling escapade has been painstakingly reenacted by the ever-talented Gouger Players. And it's guaranteed 100% all true. Besides, as any librarian knows, you can't make this kind of stuff up. You'll find yourself nodding your head in recognition at:

Random Acts of Unsightly Nudity
Fight Night @ the Library
What the Hell is That Lunatic Doing Now?
Couples Who Live to Have Loud Public Arguments
What's That Stain From?
Crazy Person Meltdown
Unsupervised Hellion Children and Their Wacky Families

It's great ice breaker for any professional get-together. Everyone will be howling with laughter and trying to top each other with their own bizarre library stories. Order today!

Item #138-Incident Reports Gone Wild DVD-$14.95

You Know You Make Me Wanna Shout!

2007-12-12T16:33:00.000-05:00

That many elderly patrons are hard of hearing will come as no surprise to any Gouger customer. Inspired by large-print books, our company has decided to launch the Deaf Ear Audio Book Series. Increase your circulation with these painfully loud readings of today's hottest best sellers. We've hired the entertainment industry's most talented and desperate performers to scream, screech, and bellow for us. Your deafish patron will love the extra volume these wonderful CDs provide. They'll be thrilled to enjoy audio books again. Just hope their neighbors like a good story!

The extra loudness is great enough, but we've added a bonus feature. Each sentence of the story is repeated at least twice! Why, it's just like having that famous Hollywood has-been right there reading to your patron. When they're not in Branson, they're recording for Gouger!

Item #137-Deaf Ear Audio Books-$24.95 each

Pahk the Cah in the Liberry Yahd

2007-12-11T13:25:00.000-05:00

One of the great mysteries of Library Science is the uniform awfulness of library parking. The urban library is often cursed with no parking whatsoever. The superior collection of these dowtown institutions is therefore lost on their core user group of homeless substance abusers and crazy people. Suburban and rural libraries have parking lots, but they are bletcherous nightmares. For some unknown reason architects design library lots in the oddest shapes. Multiple strange angles and blind spots make every trip to work a potential demolition derby.

To put an end to daily sideswipes and whiplash incident reports, get your library a Gouger Parking Lot in a Bag. Merely unzip this sturdy canvas carryall before opening time. A well-designed, roomy parking lot unfolds and sets itself up in mere seconds. In the evening it collapses in a wink. It's so compact, even a library has room to store it. Parking Lot in a Bag. A library parking lot that doesn't suck.

Item #136-Parking Lot in a Bag-$1000 per 100 spaces

Must...Buy...Carpeting...Library...Need...Carpeting

2007-12-08T14:34:00.000-05:00

Uh oh. The city cut the library budget again. Old Mrs. Bitchcakes is ranting and raving because she can't use the phone. Several evil children are on an unsupervised rampage. Somebody plugged the toilet with the entire Sunday New York Times. If the antiquated computers are working a mopey guy is downloading something smutty. In short, a typical day in a typical library.

Wait, don't run out into traffic just yet. Gouger is here to help. Brighten up your library and your workday with our stylish Subliminal Carpeting. This wonderful floor covering is made exclusively for us. The finest craftsmen in Trashkanistan weave behavior-controlling message(s) into the pattern of each of these fine floor coverings. Pick and choose any of these hypnotizing library-based designs:

Cell Phones are Evil
No Whine, Pay Fine
Get Child Book
Me Shut Up Now
Library Good, Need Money

Your public will be acting just the way you've always dreamed when you install Gouger's mesmerizing Subliminal Carpeting. It's all so easy. Be the broad who looms large and order today.

Item #135-Subliminal Carpeting-$14.95 per square foot, installed

Shake Your Moneymaker

2007-12-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

No matter how basic a photocopier is patrons will require assistance using it. They often come to you quite angry. It is your fault that they wasted $1.00 and didn't produce a single usable copy. Never mind pointing out the simple instructions posted inches away. The evil, greedy library bureaucracy is to blame. Even if you don't even own the damned machine it's your fault. You bastard.

How much money does your library shell out to placate indignant patrons? Turn your copy machines into a source of revenue today. Gouger's Crackpot Jackpot is both a quality photocopier and a fun-filled slot machine! Every copy transaction is a now a chance to win big! Not only won't patrons complain about losing their money, they will be lining up for the chance to try. Gouger guarantees no more complaints and plenty of profit. Jean Poole of the Landfill Free Library cleared over $5,000 last week and so can you!

The Crackpot Jackpot is so easy to set up. Just plug it in and it's ready to play, play, play. Call today and Gouger will ship it overnight.

Item #139-The Crackpot Jackpot-$495

Whippet! Whippet Good!

2007-12-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Older patrons often suffer from frail health. One of the reasons is lack of exercise. As a public service and source of amusement, your library should invest in a system that will give them the workout they need.

Every opening time librarians witness a mini-Senior Olympics when a swarm of old timers sprint to have first dibs at the morning paper. Take this sense of healthy competition to the next level with our Go-Go Grandpa Daily Derby. Inspired by a day at the dog track, Gouger has taken the same machinery and substituted the rabbit with the daily news! This wonderful system goes into action as soon as the doors open. The newspaper zips around the easy-to-install track with the old folks in hot pursuit. Survival of the fittest at its finest.

As an added bonus, Gouger also includes reproducible betting slips to keep the staff involved. Everyone will wager on their favorite speedy senior. It's sure to liven up the workday. Plus, it makes sure everyone is at their posts at opening time. Maybe it could even be a fund raiser!

Item #134-Go-Go Grandpa Daily Derby-$159.95

Rug Rat ReVolt!

2007-12-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

Keeping enthusiastic little ones from engulfing a performer is a challenge for every Children's Librarian. The traditional masking tape border on the floor becomes less effective each year. The recent tragedies with sock puppets in West Virginia and that singing cowboy in Fall River have been widely reported in the professional media. While humorous to those not involved, this behavior threatens the very existence of children's programming.

It doesn't have to be. Gouger has developed just the thing to keep happy little hellions at bay. Judy and Elroy will give Gabby the Clown a wide berth when you use our Abutting Away Electric Perimeter Tape. We've taken a library standard and charged with a jolt of juvenile aversion therapy. A discreet power source delivers a healthy shock to any child who entertains the idea of crossing the line. Simply lay down this electrified tape around the performance area as you would with the regular kind. When showtime comes around, simply power it up. It's just stunning!

Item #133-Abutting Away Electric Perimeter Tape-$7.95 per roll

Acronymphomania Alert!

2007-11-29T16:22:00.000-05:00

There is a widely held delusion about librarians. The origin seems to be an offshoot of the popular stereotype of prim manners and hair-in-a-bun. Some sad people entertain the notion that librarians are repressed whores who are just yearning to go wild. Apparently, all an MLS holder needs is the expert ministrations of the right teacher. Yeah, right.

Gouger is all about breaking down stereotypes for money. Shock your leering public with our newest Non-Lame Library T-Shirt. Kill this lame fantasy before it starts with a garment that lets 'em know you're already in touch your inner tramp. This shortie T-shirt boldly declares that you hold a degree as a Major League Slut. And you don't need their pathetic attentions, thank you very much.

Gouger. We care about you as a professional. Please specify size (X-Small, X-Medium, Branch Library)

Item #132-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

Better Libraries Through Chemistry

2007-11-28T16:41:00.000-05:00

Working at the Circulation Desk can be very stressful. Deadbeat patrons pitching fits over a dollar video fine. A phone that never stops rrrrrrringing. The bookdrop is overflowing and the shelvers are riding the bookcarts outside in the street. Many a Circulation Librarian has been reduced to a tearful nervous wreck. They tend to drink.

No need for that. Gouger's got the goods to gladden the gang. Hitch up a few Brume Barcode Scanners to your circ computers. These readers emit a fine Seretonin mist every time you check an item in or out. Think of it. The busier the desk is, the happier everyone will be. Amazing. And this haze of happiness doesn't just reach the staff. A generous fog of fluoxetine envelopes the entire circ area, so patrons get a dose too. It's fantastic!

End the misery at your checkout desk. It's the Brume that sweeps away the blues. Order now. The sanity you save may be your own.

Item #131-Brume Barcode Scanners-$59.95

Logical Library Lift

2007-11-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

Space. The disappearing frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Library Shelving. It's never-ending mission: to squeeze in just one more book, to stay in order, to boldly store as no flat surface has stored before! Gouger has been inspired by cheesy TV to present a stellar new product for librarians who are out of space.

Throw away your old shelving and replace it with adjustable Yo-Yo Ma-Ma Shelves. Imagine all the extra space you'll have when your shelves can go up to the ceiling and far into the basement! When staff or patrons need to get at a book, just turn the easy-to-turn control wheel. The desired shelf will move right into easy reach. That's a plus for your wheelchair-bound and elderly patrons. Better access to more books means happier readers. And even happier librarians.

Easy to install, no digging or special tools needed. Please specify metallic or hardwood shelving.

Item #130-Yo-Yo Ma-Ma Adjustable Shelves-$99.95 per 12 ft unit

Tighten Up Your Reference Rust Belt

2007-11-20T13:31:00.000-05:00

Gouger's Reference Reprint line continues its fine tradition of low cost and public domain quality with this new volume. Job seekers today need a book that realistically reflects current employment trends. The traditional reference sources just haven't kept up with the times. Government statistics and analysis have their place, but your readers need access to the real economic picture.

Our company is the exclusive importer of the renowned Occupational Outsource Handbook. This helpful guide lets the reader actually meet the person overseas who now holds their old job. Pictured on the right is Vladek. He works in a toy factory in Trashkanistan for a 75 cents a hour. His bosses at their Rapa City, New Jersey headquarters couldn't be happier. The comprehensive index is searchable by both defunct industry and empty industrial site location.

Meet Vlad and his global workforce pals. Comes housed in a sturdy pink slipcase. Printed in North Korea.

Item #129-Occupational Outsource Handbook-$16.95

Stop the Descent Into Bibliomania

2007-11-19T13:23:00.000-05:00

No patron ever sees the cataloging department. As a result, this vital team of librarians is always located in the crappiest part of any library building. Technical staff spend their days lurking about dank basements, windowless broom closets, and other assorted dungeons. These bleak surroundings often have worrying effects on a cataloger's mental health. They tend to obsess and mumble a lot.

If your closest companion is a furnace, try this innovative Gouger creation. The Mirage Collage makes the even dreariest rat hole look fabulous! Our easy-to-apply mural will improve the atmosphere of any Dewey Decimal Dystopia instantly. Choose from any one of these appealing and soothing scenes:

Beautiful Cathedral of Light
Ocean View with No People
Upstairs in the Library
Bookstore Having a Sale

Gouger guarantees our trompe l'oeil will fool any cataloging staff and make them happy, chirpy extroverts. Just kidding. It will perk them up a bit, though. Order now.

Item #128-Mirage Collage-$44.95 per 100 foot roll.

All Hail the Library Scientist!

2007-11-16T13:35:00.000-05:00

There should be a special section of Hell for people who write in library books. These ill-bred cretins have been vandalizing volumes since the first library opened its doors. A religion book bescrawled with angry commentary. An expensive science text underlined. Some moron's idea of wit inscribed on 50 pages of a novel. Guess who gets to erase all this lovely handiwork? Library history was littered with professionals whose arms fell off at the shoulder from endless erasing.

That was until the invention of a medical miracle. Gouger is proud to offer Dr. Jason's Famous Underliner's Liniment. This wonderful balm is carefully formulated by the renowned Library Scientist Dr. Jason. Made of an exclusive blend of methyl salicylate, rubbing alcohol, and a pinch of pure prussic acid Underliner's Liniment will sooth away all your aches and pains and skin. Trust Dr. Jason. He trusts you.

Item #127-Dr. Jason's Famous Underliner's Liniment-$14.95 per 12 oz bottle

Glow Little Bookworm

2007-11-14T16:30:00.001-05:00

A great patron is treasure for any library. Their voracious reading habits keep circulation statistics high and their affable personalities make waiting on them a pleasure. The good people who frequent your institution deserve recognition. Gouger brand recognition.

Show your gratitude with the Affirm the Bookworm Party Pack. Whenever a favored patron reaches a 1,000th checkout milestone, the the library's appreciation will come showering down. This wonderful kit includes everything you need to honor your best readers:

Tracking software to monitor circulation statistics
Shower of Catalog Card Confetti and Balloons
1 lb box of Chocolate-Covered Chocolates
1 bottle of Make Way For Cold Ducklings Brand Champagne
Non-Noisy Noisemakers
Camera and Life-Size Cardboard Melvil Dewey for Commemorative Photos

Honor the well-read. Don't be afraid to send Gouger money to show how much you care.

Item #126-Affirm the Bookworm Party Pack-$34.95

Clarity and Hilarity

2007-11-10T14:25:00.000-05:00

As painful as it is to admit, the Dewey Decimal System is becoming antiquated. The categories are archaic and perplexing to many patrons. Sure, a heading like cookery makes sense to librarians. We know these are books full of receipts. But to the average Joe, you're talking in some type of bizarre librarian code.

At Gouger Library Supplies, we revere our library heritage. Our newest product combines the traditions of the DDC with the clarity of current vernacular. End patron confusion with a set of Dewey Deathknell Directional Library Signs. Made of recycled trees, these handsome signs will guide users to the library's many offerings. Here's a sample of some of our improved headings :

004-006 Obsolete Computer Manuals
133 Bullshit, Flaky
158 Trite Little Life Guides
200-289 Christianity
290 Heathens, Assorted
300-309 Various Vague Volumes
362 Vices, Interesting
600 Fixing Stuff : Cars, Hair, Lunch, Health, etc
745 Creating Unwanted Gifts
800 Literature; aka Fiction, Old & Boring
900 Bullshit, Historical

All this any many, many more. Get with the times.

Item #125-Dewey Deathknell Directional Library Signs-$149.95 per set

It Ain't Easy Being Green

2007-11-08T16:20:00.000-05:00

Gouger strives to be an environmentally aware company. Our research team recently discovered the root cause of deforestation, a key contributor to global warming. As amazing as it may seem, the disappearance of the world's forests can be attributed to a small number of individuals. Authors. Specifically, a select few authors whose prolific output threatens the very balance of nature.

As a responsible global citizen, Gouger Library Supplies has a plan. A book plan, to be exact. With our Steel/Hubbard/Oates/Patterson Book Plan we hope to reign in the voluminous output of these human chainsaws. Through clever intimidation and outright lying, Gouger now controls the release of all books by these authors. By limiting each writer to one book every week, S.H.O.P. hopes to cut deforestation by 2/3rds. It's like Chicken Soup for the Planet's Soul.

Sign up today. This may be the Earth's last chance.

Item #124-Steel/Hubbard/Oates/Patterson Book Plan-$14.95 per month

Fire in the Hole!

2007-11-07T16:26:00.000-05:00

Many people just don't know when to leave. Like some patrons. You've flashed the lights, spoken with them, turned off the lights, and threatened to call the cops. Yet they remain seated, finishing up whatever it is that is more important than common courtesy. Librarians are often ignored in this belittling fashion.

Crawl no more. Patrons will be bolting out the door at closing time when you use Nate's Rump Roasters. These attractive chair pads give a new meaning to the phrase "hot seat". You can set the RR's controls for closing time or activate individual cushions as the need arises. The staff will howl with righteous glee when Mr. Important flies out the door clutching his ass, pants-a-smolderin'. Here at Gouger, we put the fun in fundament.

Runs on standard watch batteries. All necessary instructions and disclaimers included. Gouger cannot be responsible for any unpleasant odors that may result from the proper use of this product.

Item #123-Nate's Rump Roasters-$34.95 per half doz

For the Hard of Herring

2007-11-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's all you can do to keep up with patron requests for information on marine life. Sure, you could invest in one of those gigantic aquatic reference sets. But if your library is like most, the reference shelves are already packed like a sardine can. Keep your patrons from carping away because Gouger has a whale of a solution.

The Microfish Reader stores and displays billions of fishy-looking text pages in one machine. Exclusive Microchips technology guarantees finding fish facts fast. Patrons will perch for hours over this stupendous machine. The attached printer accepts cash or credit cod. And it's no fluke the MR is simple to use. Patrons will never flounder with the easy-to-follow directions.

Don't be koi. You know you want one. Order now!

Item #122-Microfish Reader-$499.95

Down the Stairs, First Door on the Left

2007-11-02T13:26:00.000-04:00

Librarians repeat themselves a lot. Every day brings the same questions. You give the same answers. The workdays all begin to blend together. Madness descends.

Stop the endless cycle of repetition in your work-a-day world before it's too late. For the sake of staff sanity, invest in the Battology Buddy. This quality phrase-repeating machine will tell patrons what and where clearly and tirelessly. Just push a button! B2 buttons deal with all the major repetitious library questions:

Hey Lady! Where's the Can?
How Does This *&$@# Copier Work?
Do I Need a Library Card to Borrow Books? How Come?
What Do You Mean I Have Fines?
Why Doesn't This Computer Work?
I Have to Wear Pants in Here?

And it's so easy to customize! Add your own answers with the built-in microphone. Save your breath and your sanity with Gouger's wonderful new technonology toy.

Item #121-Battology Buddy-$149.95