Librarians, Drop Your Drawers!

Kids today. The newly graduated MLS knows all about computers, but little about real-life Library Science. Provide your neophyte librarians with one of the cornerstones of professional experience with our newest product.

We are, of course, referring to the sadly fading tradition of dumping an entire card catalog drawer all over the floor. Every librarian of old has a now-hysterical story of filing, fumbling, and fury. Your young librarians will be at a professional disadvantage without such curse-filled anecdotes. They will have nothing but business to talk about at conferences.

Gouger has combined both worlds in our fantastic new software. The Ruthless Record Randomizer will take whatever part of the online catalog your rookie is using and scramble it beyond all recognition. Giggle yourself silly as they have to reorganize the database record by record. Cruel? Sure it is. Funny? You bet. Purchase this prank PC program pronto.

Item #119-Ruthless Record Randomizer-$29.95

Preserve Your Sanity

Photocopiers. They look so innocent. So simple. Yet beneath that placid exterior lurks a mechanical heart of pure evil. Most patrons require assistance for the most basic of copying tasks. Even if they don't, copiers are notorious for malfunctioning. Many a librarian has dreamed of shoving these vile contraptions off a cliff and relishing the resulting carnage.

Gouger can't make photocopying fun, but our latest product will make it much more appetizing. Try some delicious Paper Jam. The next time a 50-page document entangles itself in your copier's innards, spread some of our Vitamin-G enriched preserve over the mess. That crammed-up wad of homework will dissolve magically before your eyes! And PJ tastes great on toast and muffins, too!
Try out all of these great Paper Jam flavors:

• Uvate With Gouger
  
• The Quince and the Quauper
• A Paperwork Orange
• Strawberries 'n' Toner
• Pina Collater

Gouger's Paper Jam is sure to become a break time and breakdown time favorite. Order any three and get a free pig-iron jelly knife! This handsome utensil is not only great for Paper Jam, it makes a dandy emergency pencil sharpener!

Item #118-Paper Jam-$5.95

Lighten Up Your Workday With a Flasher

It's closing time, a librarian's favorite part of the working day. Better start flashing those lights. But before you can start, a patron needs your help with an involved question. Oh no! Now you'll never get people out of the building. The rest of the staff will hate your guts for a week (at least).

Save yourself from being an object of loathing with Gouger's swell new gadget, the Flash 'n' Dash. This clever remote control lets you control the library's lighting no matter where you are. And there's no difficult set-up; Gouger technology means it's ready to use right out of the box. One button controls all your flashing desires.

On the third floor searching in vain for picture books on the economy of Iceland? Attempting to get the world's oldest printer to work? The Flash 'n' Dash has you covered. Close on time no matter what or where. This is one hot flash you'll be glad to have.

Item #117-Flash 'n' Dash-$26.95

What a Croc!

Kyle Kyle Crocodile
so unpleasant,
so hostile

Kyle Kyle, oh so vile
library books
he did defile

Smile, smile
police arrest
that rotten reptile

Kyle Kyle Crocodile
county courthouse
he's on trial

Judge and jury
quite hostile
Oh no! 20 years exile

Yes, librarians and children alike will love the cautionary tale of naughty Kyle. It's never to early to stress the proper respect and care of library materials. This title is destined to become a beloved story hour classic. Beautifully illustrated on non-tearable paper, our newest Smatchet Storybook will be an addition to any children's collection. Quantity discounts available.

Item #116-Smatchet Storybook #5-$14.95

St. Jerome's Fire

Being a librarian is all about helping others. But not too much. All librarians have subject areas they are well-versed and enthusiastic about. When a patron happens to ask a question on this beloved topic, look out! Some MLS holders just go stark raving bonkers. Helpless patrons want to run screaming into the parking lot to escape these information-gibbering fanatics.

Stop this sad situation before it begins. Invest in a Gouger Inquire Extinguisher. This quality item will put out the flame of any overzealous librarian and save their poor patron. And it's so easy to use. Just point and squeeze the trigger. The non-toxic TomeFoam will bring librarians back to their senses fast. You'll think they just got asked a genealogy question. Now that's fast.

Item #115-Inquire Extinguisher-$99.95

Buy/Purchase/Obtain/Acquire!

Be a part of the Smart Set! Gouger has a new addition to our Non-Lame Library T-Shirt line for all you stylish book babes. You'll be the envy the Reference Desk with this clever top fashioned from the finest fustian found.

Etymology and sarcasm have never looked better than with our "Synonymicon : It's the Other Word for Thesaurus" T-Shirt. Confound the comedians who pose this lame reference "question" to you. Gouger Garments are guaranteed to get guffaws from good guys and gawps from goobers. Send for one today.

Item #114-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$9.95 (X-Small, X-Medium, Bookmobile)

The Great Master Berater

Libraries that host exhibitions by local artists know how demanding these prima donnas can be. The next time your staff catches some attitude from a self-described "artisan", it's time to cook up some delicious revenge. Mmmmm. Revenge.

The artsy crowd will love you when the library announces a free buffet for the opening! Gouger is always proud to help librarians spread culture to the masses. Send for our Patron of the Farts Buffet Buddy. You supply the table; Gouger does the rest. This kit includes all the food, flatware, linens, plates, and serving dishes you'll need to host a proper feed.

Also included is our special guide which shows how to insure a huge turnout of the library's least hygienic, sober, and sane patrons. These unfortunates are truly hungry for the fine arts. Artists often say they want to reach the whole community. It's your duty as a professional to test that statement. It's sure to be some party. That's a Gouger guarantee. Shipped overnight in an insulated container.

Item #113-Patron of the Farts Buffet Buddy-$129.95