The Great Master Berater

Libraries that host exhibitions by local artists know how demanding these prima donnas can be. The next time your staff catches some attitude from a self-described "artisan", it's time to cook up some delicious revenge. Mmmmm. Revenge.

The artsy crowd will love you when the library announces a free buffet for the opening! Gouger is always proud to help librarians spread culture to the masses. Send for our Patron of the Farts Buffet Buddy. You supply the table; Gouger does the rest. This kit includes all the food, flatware, linens, plates, and serving dishes you'll need to host a proper feed.

Also included is our special guide which shows how to insure a huge turnout of the library's least hygienic, sober, and sane patrons. These unfortunates are truly hungry for the fine arts. Artists often say they want to reach the whole community. It's your duty as a professional to test that statement. It's sure to be some party. That's a Gouger guarantee. Shipped overnight in an insulated container.

Item #113-Patron of the Farts Buffet Buddy-$129.95

811.54 Justice

Some truly lame people frequent libraries. These are the useless bastards who park in handicapped spaces because they are "just running inside for a minute". Meanwhile, folks who truly are disabled have to park someplace less convenient. Maybe they can't even visit the library that day.

The staff here at Gouger feels that these unthinking motorists should actually qualify for the parking spaces they so obviously covet. As a corporation, we feel it is our duty to assist them. Introducing our brilliant HassHole Handicapper! Designed in conjunction with a leading and angry handicapped advocacy group, the H3 is a nasty spiked metal cudgel. It's the perfect tool to help the thoughtless gain some practical insight into the realities of living with a disability. Some call it the Empathy Maker.

Item #112-HassHole Handicapper-$23.95

Psychoceramic Prophylactic

Few things in the library profession are as annoying as a local writer. They appear out of nowhere to grandly announce that they are authors and expect you to fawn accordingly. It's so awkward to avoid purchasing these books without being insulting. Even if they donate a copy of their inept work, it is pathetic at best. The danger of literary contamination to the staff and collection is constant worry.

Save your library from the threat of these vanity press villains. Invest in a Gouger RazzMat Protective Suit. This easy-to-slip on coverall lets you attend to all those poorly made and ludicropathetic books that you add just to get rid of the author. Made of thick Repelvar and coated with melted pencil erasers*, our suit will keep you safe from godawful plots, illiterate phrasing, and rampant over capitalization. So whether it's the biography of a nobody, an insane conspiracy theory, or just a crappy novel, depend on Gouger to keep you and you library protected.

*This product is why library pencils do not have erasers. It was Gouger all along.

Item #111-RazzMat Protective Suit-$99.95 (X-Small, X-Medium, or Bookmobile)

3 Times 17 Equals Meow

The pocket calculator is a wonderful invention. Don't you wish you could find yours? But you can't - you left it out on a Service Desk. Naturally, it was "borrowed" the second your back was turned. This maddening fact of library life means your stuff is never around when you need it.

Never fear, Gouger is here! Not only will our newest product never vanish, it's as cute as can be. Staff and patrons alike will love the Catulator. This fuzzy counting machine loves to have you scratch her tummy with equations. And best of all, kitty is theft-proof! Should someone attempt to pilfer her, the Catulator will claw their face off. Gouger brand kitties are very territorial and refuse to be removed from their library homes.

This fine feline requires no batteries and runs on standard cat food and water. Colors may vary. Warning : use of catnip may result in numerical inaccuracies. Learn to love math with an adorable Catulator. Order now, our operators are just sitting around waiting.

Item #110-Catulator-$34.95

An Open Letter to the Sony Corporation

Gouger Library Supplies
Pratt Falls, UM
Sept. 4, 2007

Dear Sony,

The advertisement for your new Reader gizmo is an insult to librarians everywhere. Here at Gouger we feel we have a good sense of humor. But "Sexier than a Librarian"? This stereotype is lamer than this product. And that's pretty lame.

Of course, Sony is known worldwide for its foxy senior management. Pictured above are two of your top executives. Hold back the ladies! No wonder your company sets the standard for erotic good looks. These two management sexpots, Ryoji Chubachi and Howard Stringer, are two smoldering hunks of beefcake. Hubba Hubba.

In conclusion,

1. Go to Hell
2. Long Live the Book!

Insincerely,

Gouger Library Supplies

Look Sharp!

Little tiny pencils are the traditional library writing implement. But these classic yellow note takers have an annoying drawback. The points become dull very quickly. Standard pencil sharpeners are too big to remedy the situation. Attempting to employ them has two typical results. They spin the pencil and painfully rasp the skin off your fingertips. Or, if you are lucky enough to keep a grip on the pencil, it will be worn down to a useless nub.

There's no need to abandon our precious library heritage. Purchase an Eat Lead Mini Pencil Sharpener. It's just the right size to keep your petite pencils perfectly pointy and productive. This fine all-metal sharpener cuts down on waste and keep patrons from pinching even more pens off your desk. Shown actual size.

Item #109-Eat Lead Mini Pencil Sharpener-$4.95

Let's Play in the Dirt

As a rule, magazines for children are pretty lame. After all, they are written by responsible adults. These silly grownups try to make their periodicals educational and appealing to kids. This tactic almost never results in interesting reading. Like any reader, today's juvenile responds best to sensationalism and utter nonsense.

And Gouger is here to fill that need. Subscribe today to our new tabloid - the infantile Weekly World Reader! It's got all the picture book gossip kids crave. Our investigative reporters have exclusive insider sources all over Storybook Land. Your little patrons can be assured of the juiciest gossip in every issue. Here's a sample of what you'll find in the kickoff edition:

• "I Grew Up in a Manhattan Townhouse!" - The Lost Diaries of Laura Ingalls Wilder
  
• Amelia Bedelia - "My Problem With Homophones"
• 300 pounds? Babar Binges - See the Shocking Photos!
• Harold Caught Drawing New Parents - Police Confiscate Purple Crayon
  
• Emily's Smelly Story - "Cleaning Up After Clifford is Killing Me!"
• 5 Chinese Brothers See Your Future - Our Horoscope Exclusive
  
• Bi-Curious George - Caught on Camera!
  

All this and more every single week! Gouger will keep little Judy and Elroy in the loop with all the latest news. Subscribe today and receive a WWR logo sippy cup as our free gift to you.

Item #108-Weekly World Reader-$49.95 per year