Fill in the Blankety-Blank Form

You're a busy bibliothecary. Running a library involves a million little details, each one of them important and demanding of your immediate attention. Let Gouger Library Supplies take at least one of those worrisome projects off your sagging shoulders. We're talking censorship, library lads and lasses.

You've been meaning to create a materials complaint form. Honest you have. But the book truck lost a wheel and Timmy the shelver has rabies and that lady with the moustache has made a hat out of the Wall Street Journal again and three of your circulation people ran away with the circus and... you never did get the chance to get to it.

Why reinvent the wheel? Gouger's done all the dirty work for you and created a superb all-purpose Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form. All you have to do is buy it, stuff it in a drawer somewhere, and hope you never have to use it. But it's almost inevitable that something in your collection will be challenged someday. Not to worry. You'll have this official-looking form ready and waiting for your local Comstock. Just whip it out. Here's what you get:

Your Library Name Here

Materials Reconsideration Request

This (book, film, compact disc, employee) should be (removed forever, burned, hidden from all humanity, restricted to children) because it contains (smut, cursing, religious views other than my own, uncomfortable truths, uncomfortable lies, witchcraft in the guise of a harmless children's story, a predictable plot and poor character development, biases that are not my own, historical accuracies, it's just plain filth).

I believe I can choose what others can read because I am (a religious busybody, a secular busybody, a librarian, perfect in every way, spoiling for a fight). If the library does not deal with this material in a manner according to my wishes I will (call the mayor, call my pastor, call the newspaper, be the first member of the public to ever attend a library board meeting, call the mayor again, call no one but self righteously lecture the library director for at least 30 minutes).

I (have, have not) read or viewed the material I am (grousing, grandstanding, bellowing, sermonizing, earnestly trying to establish a dialogue) about.

Name:

Phone Number:

Alleged Friend in City Government:

Our boilerplate is easy to read and simple to complete. Buy a box of of these forms and be a prepared professional person. We'll even put your library's logo on at no extra charge.

Item #207-Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form-$9.95 per 100

Librarians in the Mist

There's always a mountain of books waiting to be checked in every day. You can't spare a single worker to the illnesses brought on by putrid-smelling books. You know the type we mean. When the book is opened for checkin a stench wafts out that makes everyone in the library buckle at the knees. These books smell as though the patron spent the entire borrowing period blowing smoke directly into the pages. Or dropped the book into the pot while cooking a rotting cabbage with onions and garlic. Or used the pages to wipe their underarms after a day's work at the slaughterhouse.

Often these books must be discarded or at the very least aired out for several decades. Confronting a whiffy patron is a horribly embarrassing and useless experience that will only end in heartache. So the library loses money and the patrons lose access to another title. Until now.

The team at Gouger Labs under the able direction of Dr. Jason has developed a book-refreshing spray that will make even the most malodorous volume smell sweeter than a field of fresh-picked donuts. The next time you get a literal literary stinker give it a few spritzes of our Library of Pongress Book Renewer. LOP neutralizes even the strongest foul aromas immediately on contact. It's splendiferous!

Order right now. Quantity discounts are available. Please specify scent : Warm Cookies, New Box of Crayons, Fresh Cut Grass, Root Beer, or Play-Dough.

Item #206-Library of Pongress Book Renewer-$19.95 per doz.

Gouger's Your Paraprofessional Para-Site!

Assistant. Page. Shelver. Clerk. Sure, the patrons call you Librarian. To the untrained eye you have the same job as the one of the Big Girls. That similarity ends at payday. MLS Librarians sure ain't rich and you make even less than that. You are a Paraprofessional!

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we too strive to profit from the Library Paraprofessional. Without you many libraries would have to shut their doors. Gouger can't get you the salaries that you so richly deserve. But we've created the coolest T-shirt ever for you to spend you meager wages on.

You'll be proud to wear this all-fabric Non-Lame Library T-Shirt that asks "Are Paraprofessionals Paranormal?". Library grunts everywhere will be in Paradise wearing this stylish and humorous garment. Be a Paragon of a Paratrooper and order one immediately.

Item #205-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$24.95 (XS, XM, XL, Landmass)

Oh See, Elsie?

Every cataloguer knows that some books just defy classification. A volume on the spiritual life of water, for example. Or a collection of essays on the mating habits of ketchup written by the channelled spirit of a teapot. How about an anthology on twenty different imaginary topics complete with maps of places that may or may not exist. Trying to assign a call number to can lead to many hours of tedious research and eventual insanity. You may even have to call a meeting. Eventually you compromise and assign a number that doesn't really fit. You don't like it; it's not just right. But it's the best you can do with the tools you got.

Don't settle for this irritating state of cataloguing affairs. The best brains here at Gouger have devised a revolutionary update to your current classification scheme which covers those annoyingly ambiguous subject areas. Put those literary pests where they belong with our Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena. This comprehensive supplement has the extra classification numbers Dewey & LC forgot to put in! That's right. Never spend another moment scratching your head and wondering where the hell that Estonian haiku picture book on space frogs is supposed to go. Just Phylum & Phorgetum.

Order immediately if not sooner. Please specify Dewey, LC, or Weird Local Scheme.

Item #204-Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena-$99.95

You're the Devil in Disguise. Oh Yes You Are.

Sometimes a librarian needs to do some work in the stacks without interruption. But this is always easier said than done. Folks see you and need your help. You gladly help them, but your original project never gets done. Weeding, shelving, shifting. These tasks will always take a back burner whenever there is a patron in need. But they can't ask you if they can't see you.

Hide in plain sight with Gouger's revolutionary new Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit. Cover up your regular work clothes with this comfy one-piece, one-size-fits-all garment. The highly realistic looking "Books on Shelves" camouflage pattern means you can work undisturbed any time you want. (see photo) Why, it's just like being invisible!

Supervisors can lurk in the stacks and monitor their underlings.Underlings can avoid their supervisors. For the fun-minded librarian, it's a great for sneaking up on unsuspecting coworkers for wedgies, book cart hijacking, and other workday hijinks. The possibilities are limited only by you imagination and ethics. Or lack thereof.

Blend into your natural habitat today with the Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit. Go into the 400s and be a Comma Chameleon today!

Item #203-Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit-$24.95 (specify wood or metal shelving)

Freedom From Choice

Gouger Library Supplies is an All-American company with an keen eye to the future of the Library Sciences. In this patriotic spirit we are proud to announce our latest historic project. Our company wants to lead the way by developing and sponsoring a possible future Presidential Library. And we're offering our customers a chance to help in this noble endeavor.

You'll be purchasing a piece of history when you buy a Commemorative Brick to help construct the Sarah Palin Presidential Library. Gouger will inscribe any name you desire on the hand-engraved brick(s) you purchase. These handsome building blocks will show the world your support of the kind of Library Science this righteous public servant endorses. Our in-house architect has already drawn up the blueprints for this majestic building. (see artist's rendition above) Sure it's ambitious. But here at Gouger, we think True Americans should be burning with patriotism.

And you the library consumer can't lose. In the sad event this Institution does not come to pass, Gouger Library Supplies will send your brick(s) to you! These highly polished bricks make lovely projectiles or can be just keepsakes of a dream. Order early and often. Literally get in on the ground floor of this American Landmark. Or Else. God Less America!

Item #202-Sarah Palin Presidential Library Commemorative Brick-$24.95 each

Sweet Revenge

Library workers often have to bite their tongues when dealing with less-than-pleasant patrons. Many of these foul people are regular visitors. They seen to delight in being rude during their weekly (or daily) pilgrimage to your building. Frankly, there's not much you can really do to change these obnoxious cretins. They were born jerks and they're going to stay jerks. But you can enjoy some sweet, sweet revenge.

Get yourself a box of Gouger's delicious Chocolate Patrons. Made from only the finest ingredients, these delicious candy effigies will delight and soothe any staff membern who has to deal with the public. Literally bite their tasty little heads off after they figuratively bite off yours. Catharsis was never so delectable.

Gouger's Chocolate Patrons come two scrumptious flavors- Just Plain or Just Plain Nuts. Each box comes with an assortment of fudgy little figurines. One of these luscious candies is sure to resemble the patron you loathe. Bulk discounts are available, please inquire.

Item #201-Gouger's Chocolate Patrons-$24.95 per gross