Any Book That Requires Another Book to Explain It is Not Worth Reading

Gouger is beyond proud to celebrate the release of our 100th product. Our competition is seething with ill-concealed jealousy. As well they should. They're a bunch of con artists who sell boring overpriced crap. The Gouger name stands for quality professional merchandise. Humor-filled items librarians need and want.

To mark this historic event, we are releasing the most stupendous Reference Reprint to date. Students the world over will applaud the comeback of Professor Ari Starch's literary criticism series Why This Book Sucked. This is REAL criticism, not the scholarly analysis other "critical" books offer. The author spares no book from his wrath. Starch took the position that any book one has to be forced to read must suck. Students will love citing the insults and curses in their reports.

WTBS criticizes all the "classics" students rightfully hate. Each lengthy essay uses plain language to expound on the suckiness of a book. And boy, do these books suck:

• Hamlet - "What the hell is going on? I can't understand a thing anyone says. Thee, thou, thine. Speak English, you bastards!"
• The Scarlet Letter - "Manages to make adultery with the clergy a dull read. "
  
• Animal Farm - "At least this is short. It still sucks though. Sucks bad."
• Moby Dick - "What a disappointment. The title is very misleading."
• Silas Marner - I'd rather have my teeth pulled out than read this book. Pulled out through my ass."
• War and Peace - "This book is so long I hated it before I even read a page. Vile and tedious with unpronounceable Commie names."
  

Real books. Real emotion. The literal truth. Why This Book Sucked is real literary criticism. Remember your youth and order a set today.

Item #100-Why This Book Sucked-$1499 for 100 volumes

Fine Spine O' Mine

Here at Gouger we often whine
Scream, shout, complain, and malign
Those huge paperbacks with floppy design

Stand them up straight
They'll end up supine
Knocking down every single book in the line
Endlessly, endlessly, you must realign

Link up to Gouger, library vendor so fine
Purchase their Backbone Paperback Spine
Truly it is a most miraculous chine
Order today - $24.99

Item #099-Backbone Paperback Spine-$24.99

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Coerced of Times

Some days the library clock simply stands still. You are a hungry, tired, grumpy librarian. Don't you wish you could fast-forward through the day and have some pizza? Gouger has the solution. No, we haven't figured out time travel (we will). But our newest item is just as handy.

Introducing Gouger's Deasil Weasel Wall Clock. This smart-looking retro clock will brighten any reading room or circulation desk. It will definitely brighten your day because you control the time! Simply employ the discreet remote control (included) and spin the clock's hands to any time you desire.

End a boring meeting. Speed patrons on their way. Make that matinee or early bird special. Lengthen your quality time, anytime.

Made of all natural synthetic materials, the D.W. will serve your library faithfully for years. Get time on YOUR side today. Order now.

Item #098-Deasil Weasel Wall Clock-$24.95

The Only Stamp You'll Ever Need

Gouger thinks of everything. Our Library Scientists have invented an ink stamp that can be used on any library correspondence. Our new 4-Kova Stamp saves your valuable time and money! Since "Send Money" is the underlying theme of much library correspondence, you can almost end the chore of writing altogether. Recipients will appreciate your brevity. And you can get to lunch on time.

Each durable stamp comes with three Inky Stinky brand ink pads. That's right - one each in black, green, and red. Make your shameless begging stand out!

The straightforward message can be applied to all kinds of library publications :

• Overdue notices
• Letters to any level of government
  
• Friends of the Library fliers
• Event posters
• Library stationery
  
• Scrap paper
• Date due slips
• Foreheads
  

The possibilities are almost endless. If it's on paper or holds still, chances are you should imprint it with this fine stamp. Guaranteed to earn back its cost in six months if used improperly.

Item #097-4-Kova Stamp-$14.95

Are You Ready to Resort to Humorous Violence?

Cell phones are evil. Libraries can cover their walls with signs. You can spend endless hours shushing loudmouth twits. Even Gouger's Cell Phone Detonator (Item #001) hasn't stopped them. You've been nice. It's time to get nasty. Gouger nasty.

Luckily, the Cell Phone Orifice Assistant is simple to use and requires no bodily contact. Merely walk by Mr. Grobian and drop the device. Upon hitting the floor, a powerful vacuum is engaged. The cell phone is sucked instantly into the unit. The Assistant's DNA sensors then identify the phone's user. It quickly inserts itself into that person's nearest body cavity. Since the device is usually on the floor, results can be highly amusing. Once the cell phone has been wedged firmly into a body crevice, the device falls to the floor for some vigorous self-cleaning.

Harmless fun that sends a message. Gouger cannot be responsible. Really. We've tried.

Item #096-Cell Phone Orifice Assistant-$49.95 (batteries included)

Circular Logic

Meetings are the lifeblood of library science. Maybe it's your library's turn to host this month's Board of Conference Association Committees Roundtable. You've washed the coffee pot and ordered the chocolate pastry. It's when you go to set up the chairs the horror engulfs you. THE LIBRARY HAS NO ROUND TABLE! That plain rectangular furniture will spell your professional doom.

Gouger can save you from this mortifying situation. The membership will vote you fantastic when you use our Truncated Corner Cutters. These clever devices will turn any shape table into a Roundtable. Avoid the embarrassment of pointy tables that ruin meetings and sidetrack promising careers. These quality rounding devices easily snap on to any table - no tools or assembly required.

Avoid embarrassment and certain doom today. The quorum will adore 'em. That's a Gouger guarantee.

Item #095-Truncated Corner Cutters-$24.95 per set of 4

Rub-a-Dub Dub Librarians in a Tub

Librarians have long known the proper manner one must employ to truly enjoy a book. To get the most out of any volume the reader should be lounging in a lovely steaming bubble bath. But the potions available in regular stores just aren't made with the information professional in mind. Their harsh smells and lackluster bubbles just aren't good enough for a real reader.

Introducing Gouger's fantastic Bubbliographic Bubble Bath! These luxurious scents will cause librarians to stay in the tub until the last chapter. And not only do the bubbles last, they insulate the water and keep it piping hot. Made from somewhat natural ingredients, B3 is aromatherapy in the truest sense of the word. Try one of these great fragrances :

• Like Water and Chocolate
• Melon of Troy
• Fresh Flowers in the Attic
• Vanillas in the Mist
• The Grapes of Bath
• The Sandalwood Bible

You work hard in the book mines all day. We guarantee our Bubbliographic Bubble Bath will enhance any reading experience. It's so relaxing, you'll may never come out of the tub. Gouger cannot be held responsible for excessive shrivelling caused by 700 page historical novels.

Item #094-Bubbliographic Bubble Bath-$5.95 per 16oz bottle