Acronymphomania Alert!

There is a widely held delusion about librarians. The origin seems to be an offshoot of the popular stereotype of prim manners and hair-in-a-bun. Some sad people entertain the notion that librarians are repressed whores who are just yearning to go wild. Apparently, all an MLS holder needs is the expert ministrations of the right teacher. Yeah, right.

Gouger is all about breaking down stereotypes for money. Shock your leering public with our newest Non-Lame Library T-Shirt. Kill this lame fantasy before it starts with a garment that lets 'em know you're already in touch your inner tramp. This shortie T-shirt boldly declares that you hold a degree as a Major League Slut. And you don't need their pathetic attentions, thank you very much.

Gouger. We care about you as a professional. Please specify size (X-Small, X-Medium, Branch Library)

Item #132-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

Better Libraries Through Chemistry

Working at the Circulation Desk can be very stressful. Deadbeat patrons pitching fits over a dollar video fine. A phone that never stops rrrrrrringing. The bookdrop is overflowing and the shelvers are riding the bookcarts outside in the street. Many a Circulation Librarian has been reduced to a tearful nervous wreck. They tend to drink.

No need for that. Gouger's got the goods to gladden the gang. Hitch up a few Brume Barcode Scanners to your circ computers. These readers emit a fine Seretonin mist every time you check an item in or out. Think of it. The busier the desk is, the happier everyone will be. Amazing. And this haze of happiness doesn't just reach the staff. A generous fog of fluoxetine envelopes the entire circ area, so patrons get a dose too. It's fantastic!

End the misery at your checkout desk. It's the Brume that sweeps away the blues. Order now. The sanity you save may be your own.

Item #131-Brume Barcode Scanners-$59.95

Logical Library Lift

Space. The disappearing frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Library Shelving. It's never-ending mission: to squeeze in just one more book, to stay in order, to boldly store as no flat surface has stored before! Gouger has been inspired by cheesy TV to present a stellar new product for librarians who are out of space.

Throw away your old shelving and replace it with adjustable Yo-Yo Ma-Ma Shelves. Imagine all the extra space you'll have when your shelves can go up to the ceiling and far into the basement! When staff or patrons need to get at a book, just turn the easy-to-turn control wheel. The desired shelf will move right into easy reach. That's a plus for your wheelchair-bound and elderly patrons. Better access to more books means happier readers. And even happier librarians.

Easy to install, no digging or special tools needed. Please specify metallic or hardwood shelving.

Item #130-Yo-Yo Ma-Ma Adjustable Shelves-$99.95 per 12 ft unit

Tighten Up Your Reference Rust Belt

Gouger's Reference Reprint line continues its fine tradition of low cost and public domain quality with this new volume. Job seekers today need a book that realistically reflects current employment trends. The traditional reference sources just haven't kept up with the times. Government statistics and analysis have their place, but your readers need access to the real economic picture.

Our company is the exclusive importer of the renowned Occupational Outsource Handbook. This helpful guide lets the reader actually meet the person overseas who now holds their old job. Pictured on the right is Vladek. He works in a toy factory in Trashkanistan for a 75 cents a hour. His bosses at their Rapa City, New Jersey headquarters couldn't be happier. The comprehensive index is searchable by both defunct industry and empty industrial site location.

Meet Vlad and his global workforce pals. Comes housed in a sturdy pink slipcase. Printed in North Korea.

Item #129-Occupational Outsource Handbook-$16.95

Stop the Descent Into Bibliomania

No patron ever sees the cataloging department. As a result, this vital team of librarians is always located in the crappiest part of any library building. Technical staff spend their days lurking about dank basements, windowless broom closets, and other assorted dungeons. These bleak surroundings often have worrying effects on a cataloger's mental health. They tend to obsess and mumble a lot.

If your closest companion is a furnace, try this innovative Gouger creation. The Mirage Collage makes the even dreariest rat hole look fabulous! Our easy-to-apply mural will improve the atmosphere of any Dewey Decimal Dystopia instantly. Choose from any one of these appealing and soothing scenes:

• Beautiful Cathedral of Light
  
• Ocean View with No People
• Upstairs in the Library
• Bookstore Having a Sale
  

Gouger guarantees our trompe l'oeil will fool any cataloging staff and make them happy, chirpy extroverts. Just kidding. It will perk them up a bit, though. Order now.

Item #128-Mirage Collage-$44.95 per 100 foot roll.

All Hail the Library Scientist!

There should be a special section of Hell for people who write in library books. These ill-bred cretins have been vandalizing volumes since the first library opened its doors. A religion book bescrawled with angry commentary. An expensive science text underlined. Some moron's idea of wit inscribed on 50 pages of a novel. Guess who gets to erase all this lovely handiwork? Library history was littered with professionals whose arms fell off at the shoulder from endless erasing.

That was until the invention of a medical miracle. Gouger is proud to offer Dr. Jason's Famous Underliner's Liniment. This wonderful balm is carefully formulated by the renowned Library Scientist Dr. Jason. Made of an exclusive blend of methyl salicylate, rubbing alcohol, and a pinch of pure prussic acid Underliner's Liniment will sooth away all your aches and pains and skin. Trust Dr. Jason. He trusts you.

Item #127-Dr. Jason's Famous Underliner's Liniment-$14.95 per 12 oz bottle

Glow Little Bookworm

A great patron is treasure for any library. Their voracious reading habits keep circulation statistics high and their affable personalities make waiting on them a pleasure. The good people who frequent your institution deserve recognition. Gouger brand recognition.

Show your gratitude with the Affirm the Bookworm Party Pack. Whenever a favored patron reaches a 1,000th checkout milestone, the the library's appreciation will come showering down. This wonderful kit includes everything you need to honor your best readers:

• Tracking software to monitor circulation statistics
• Shower of Catalog Card Confetti and Balloons
  
• 1 lb box of Chocolate-Covered Chocolates
  
• 1 bottle of Make Way For Cold Ducklings Brand Champagne
• Non-Noisy Noisemakers
• Camera and Life-Size Cardboard Melvil Dewey for Commemorative Photos

Honor the well-read. Don't be afraid to send Gouger money to show how much you care.

Item #126-Affirm the Bookworm Party Pack-$34.95