if u cn rd ts u cn bcome a hi pd librn

A degree in the Library Sciences used to be a costly prize. Two or more long years of extra toil in the academic gulag. Your graduation gift is often unemployment and an additional student loan to contend with. Sure, the campus is pretty and the professors are acerebral. But wouldn't it be better to learn Real Librarianship from Real Librarians from the comfort of your own home? Sure it would!

Now you can. Get that coveted MLS from our new graduate school, Gouge U. Study the Library Sciences at your own pace for only $20 a credit. What a deal! Our faculty has been recruited from witty, wise, working librarians. These well-seasoned professionals will give you the student the real-world knowledge and practical know-how necessary in becoming a productive professional person. And this dedication to humorous scholarship is reflected in Gouge U's Comprehensive Course Catalog

• ICUP 501 - Photocopiers - Paper Jams and Toner Replacement
• ICUP 502 - Wishing a Grant
• ICUP 503 - Collection Development on a Literal Dime
• ICUP 504 - Left Behind : Trend Following in Technology
• ICUP 505 - I Love a Survey
• ICUP 506 - Building Maintenance for the Impractically Educated
• ICUP 507 - Professional Field Busywork
• ICUP 508 - Advanced Alphabetical Order
  
• ICUP 509 - Developing Great Programs For Your Community to Ignore
• ICUP 510 - Symposiums, Roundtables, Working Groups, Committees, Seminars, Boards, Retreats, Workshops, Panels, Forums, Focus Groups, and other Donut-Eating Gatherings
• ICUP 520 - YA Librarianship : Lame Slogans and Sad Attempts
• ICUP 521 - Leadership Skills : Not Giggling When Somebody Farts
  
• ICUP 522 - Every Child Left Behind : Latchkey Kids in the Library
• ICUP 523 - In God We Trustee :Getting the Board of Your Prayers
• ICUP 524 - What's That Smell?
• ICUP 525 - Disaster Planning : Great Disasters Anytime
• ICUP 526 - Torturous and Arcane Cataloging of Odd Items
  
• ICUP 527 - 90% of Reference - Where's the Toilet?
  

Scholarship. Integrity. How to win a screaming match over 40 cents with your dignity intact. A Gouge U degree delivers all that and so much more. Learn the Library Sciences in your pajamas without ever leaving the house or combing your hair. Graduates receive an impressive-looking diploma and $25 off their next Gouger purchase. Compare that with those other "library schools".

Whether you want to brush up on your skills with a few classes or enter the degree program, a Gouge U education is money well spent. All Gouge U courses are fully accredited by the American Library Ass. No hidden student fees. No campus parking nightmares. Gouge U; the Graduate School for the Practical Polymath. Don't settle for MLeSS!

Item #215 - Gouge U. Master of Library Science Program - $20 per credit

A Steel of a Deel

That Danielle Steal. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we admire her hearty work ethic and her ability to produce at least one bestseller a week. We also admire her vast stockpiles of gold and the squadron of flying monkeys that guard it. We've seen them and they are so cool. That pact she made with Lucifer at the crossroads in Mississippi has paid off in spades.

While some foolish mortals may scoff at her prose as pedestrian, Danielle is popular where it counts. In the pocketbook. Book buying ladies can't get enough of her luxurious tales of glamor and intrigue. And what Librarian doesn't pick up her newest tome from the booktruck in Cataloging? Who can resist gazing at Danielle's newest picture on each jacket, peering up at you in all her wicked glory? Nobody. That's who.

That's why we here at Gouger are simply thrilled anticipating the riches we will rake in with the release of our newest Remainders of the Day. Our buyers have unearthed not just one, but an entire series of Danielle's earliest novels! These books were released by Slattern, a small paperback publisher that catered to a specialty market. Due to an extremely limited press run and a suspicious warehouse fire, these books have remained virtually unknown.

The saga of the Hough sisters is one that is sure to boost the circulation in any library. This multigenerational epic follows the fortunes of a family of poor women who discover a magical product that they can sell over and over again. But the path to riches is paved with both heartache and happiness. Ms. Steal's many fans will enjoy her first literary efforts, which reveal her evolving style and flair for drama. Gouger has bound this special edition in lovely dalmatian puppy leather, just like the coat the author has always so longingly coveted.

Order early. This tremendous literary find is sure to sell out wicked fast.

Item #214-Remainders of the Day-$59.95 per set of 7 volumes.

Stick Out Your Can Here Comes the Garbage Man

Stop embarrassing yourself in front of others! Every time you try to toss a balled up scrap of paper into the wastebasket or recycling bin you miss by a freakin' mile. "Hey!", you might say, "I'm a librarian, not Larry Freakin' Bird! I know I'm a pathetic shot! Get off my back!" So very defensive. Gouger Library Supplies knows this is a sore spot for its many uncoordinated and nearsighted customers.

Never suffer the embarrassment of getting up from your chair to retrieve a bad throw again. Patrons and librarians alike will be in awe of your skills when you use the Suckular Circular File. This high-tech wastebasket is equipped with powerful sensors that will detect any object thrown within a five-foot radius. The powerful vacuum action then kick in and suck that lousy toss right into the trash. Handmade by the world famous wastebasket craftsmen of Trashkanistan, these attractive baskets will complement any library decor.

Staff and patrons will be in awe of your amazing shooting accuracy and range. Prepare to become a Library Legend with the Suckular Circular File. Not responsible for humorous accidents involving any body part or articles of clothing. Part of Gouger's Our Little Secret line.

Please specify desired color :

• Cramoisy
• Smalt
• Spadiceous
• Fulvous
  
• Sarcoline
• Virid
• Atrous

Item #213-Suckular Circular File-$24.95

Forewarned is Foregone

Library Science is fraught with unspeakable danger. There are certain words and phrases that will send chills down every librarian's spine. Whenever these dreadful nouns and verbs are used in a library it can never be a good situation. The human body's natural response to danger is fight or flight. Sadly, by the time these words are uttered your body is already trapped. You are snared. Cornered. Totally and utterly screwed. If only there were some kind warning that would allow you to flee to safety.

Gouger Library Supplies has just the device to enhance your body's natural defenses. Our Logomisia Pocket Alarm will give you plenty of warning and let you Fight with Flight. This high tech instrument has thousands of tiny sensors that will pick up all of Librarianship's Forbidden Words of Doom. There's also plenty of memory, so you can add up to 100 locally perilous words and phrases. Here's just a sampling of the horrific pre-loaded lexicon:

• Genealogy
• Local Author
• Tutor
• Microfilm
• Gifted Child
• Professional Literature
• Tax Form
• New Format

The tiny 1 oz. LPA detects these and many other danger words way in advance. When it buzzes just make yourself scarce. Nothing could be easier. Like nature itself. Shown actual size.

Item #212-Logomisia Pocket Alarm-$12.95

Sedimental Journey

Gouger Library Supplies has always been especially proud of our Reference Reprint line. This fine series of books provides so much value for so little cost many of our competitors have given up and started selling those seeds that are advertised on the back of comic books. These books are that good.

We've gone far out on a ledge with our newest offering. For too long there has been a need for a comprehensive and up-to-date resource on this topic. You'll never be left hanging with our 6 volume set of Noted Cliffs. This compendious work has over 250,000 entries on anything and everything to do with Cliffs. Here's just a tiny sampling of the precipice-related topics covered:

• The White Cliffs of Dover
• Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards
• Clifton, NJ
  
• Clifford the Big Red Dog
• Cliff Richard
• Newport Cliff Walk
• Cliff Robertson
• Galloping Cliff Gallup

No need to subscribe to one of those expensive cliff databases. If it's a Cliff and it's been Noted, Gouger guarantees it will be included in this reference work. Well illustrated and bound in handsome Corinthian leather, this is one cliff that won't leave your library hanging.

Item #211-Noted Cliffs-$24.95

One Fine Day

Many library workers are tired of living a lie. These troubled people have written to us at Gouger Library Supplies to unburden themselves. We listen to your needs. We care. Then we exploit.

All day, every day, circulation workers perpetuate a cycle of deceit and it sickens them. It's known as The Checkout Transaction. Whenever they stamp the due date in a patron's book, both parties know it's a mark of deceit. The borrower isn't going to return the book until they're damn good and ready. Some folks will return the book tomorrow. Other people will never return it. And no amount of calls, notices, or emails is going to make a bit of difference.

If your staff is tired of performing this meaningless charade a couple of thousand times a day, invest in Gouger's newest product. Give in and give up with our swell Due As You Will Date Stamper. These sturdy date stamps will mark your books with more realistic return periods. Each stamp can be set for the following:

• Eventually
• End of the Semester
• Whenever
  
• Amnesty Week
• A Month of Sundays
• Someday, Someway

There's no sense in getting angry. That's not going to get the library's books back one second sooner. Accept the situation and hope for the best. You'll be less stressed and live longer that way. And Gouger will make more money. Order when you get around to it. We'll be here.

Item #210-Due As You Will Date Stamper-$24.95

Buy the Farm

Uh oh. The economy is in the outhouse again. That can only mean bad times ahead for any library. Beleaguered book budgets are bound to take a beating. Don't despair, noble Library Scientists! All is never lost when you have Gouger Library Supplies on your side.

When there's no money in the pantry to buy books, you can grow your own. That's right. Pioneer Librarians on the frontier did it and so can you. The Garden of Readin' contains all the supplies and instructions necessary to cultivate a fine crop of literature. Here's a sampling of what you'll get:

• PostTiller Earth Tiller-strong enough to turn your and anyone else's parking lot into acres of arable farmland
• Gouger High-Yield Book Seeds-we create a custom mixture of genres, formats, and age levels to meet your collection development needs
  
• Committee Meeting Brand Fertilizer-Gouger has collected the manure output from a year's worth of professional gatherings. An inexhaustible supply of high-grade crap for your crop!
• Library Hoes-for weeding, you pervert
• AACR H2O-an irrigation system that defies classification

With a little care and some physical labor that the shelvers can be made to do, your library will be assured a bountiful harvest of books. The national financial situation is unlikely to improve any time soon, so order now to be ready for Spring planting.

Item #209-Garden of Readin'-$499