Librarians in the Mist

There's always a mountain of books waiting to be checked in every day. You can't spare a single worker to the illnesses brought on by putrid-smelling books. You know the type we mean. When the book is opened for checkin a stench wafts out that makes everyone in the library buckle at the knees. These books smell as though the patron spent the entire borrowing period blowing smoke directly into the pages. Or dropped the book into the pot while cooking a rotting cabbage with onions and garlic. Or used the pages to wipe their underarms after a day's work at the slaughterhouse.

Often these books must be discarded or at the very least aired out for several decades. Confronting a whiffy patron is a horribly embarrassing and useless experience that will only end in heartache. So the library loses money and the patrons lose access to another title. Until now.

The team at Gouger Labs under the able direction of Dr. Jason has developed a book-refreshing spray that will make even the most malodorous volume smell sweeter than a field of fresh-picked donuts. The next time you get a literal literary stinker give it a few spritzes of our Library of Pongress Book Renewer. LOP neutralizes even the strongest foul aromas immediately on contact. It's splendiferous!

Order right now. Quantity discounts are available. Please specify scent : Warm Cookies, New Box of Crayons, Fresh Cut Grass, Root Beer, or Play-Dough.

Item #206-Library of Pongress Book Renewer-$19.95 per doz.

Gouger's Your Paraprofessional Para-Site!

Assistant. Page. Shelver. Clerk. Sure, the patrons call you Librarian. To the untrained eye you have the same job as the one of the Big Girls. That similarity ends at payday. MLS Librarians sure ain't rich and you make even less than that. You are a Paraprofessional!

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we too strive to profit from the Library Paraprofessional. Without you many libraries would have to shut their doors. Gouger can't get you the salaries that you so richly deserve. But we've created the coolest T-shirt ever for you to spend you meager wages on.

You'll be proud to wear this all-fabric Non-Lame Library T-Shirt that asks "Are Paraprofessionals Paranormal?". Library grunts everywhere will be in Paradise wearing this stylish and humorous garment. Be a Paragon of a Paratrooper and order one immediately.

Item #205-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$24.95 (XS, XM, XL, Landmass)

Oh See, Elsie?

Every cataloguer knows that some books just defy classification. A volume on the spiritual life of water, for example. Or a collection of essays on the mating habits of ketchup written by the channelled spirit of a teapot. How about an anthology on twenty different imaginary topics complete with maps of places that may or may not exist. Trying to assign a call number to can lead to many hours of tedious research and eventual insanity. You may even have to call a meeting. Eventually you compromise and assign a number that doesn't really fit. You don't like it; it's not just right. But it's the best you can do with the tools you got.

Don't settle for this irritating state of cataloguing affairs. The best brains here at Gouger have devised a revolutionary update to your current classification scheme which covers those annoyingly ambiguous subject areas. Put those literary pests where they belong with our Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena. This comprehensive supplement has the extra classification numbers Dewey & LC forgot to put in! That's right. Never spend another moment scratching your head and wondering where the hell that Estonian haiku picture book on space frogs is supposed to go. Just Phylum & Phorgetum.

Order immediately if not sooner. Please specify Dewey, LC, or Weird Local Scheme.

Item #204-Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena-$99.95