Thursday, November 29, 2007

Acronymphomania Alert!

There is a widely held delusion about librarians. The origin seems to be an offshoot of the popular stereotype of prim manners and hair-in-a-bun. Some sad people entertain the notion that librarians are repressed whores who are just yearning to go wild. Apparently, all an MLS holder needs is the expert ministrations of the right teacher. Yeah, right.

Gouger is all about breaking down stereotypes for money. Shock your leering public with our newest Non-Lame Library T-Shirt. Kill this lame fantasy before it starts with a garment that lets 'em know you're already in touch your inner tramp. This shortie T-shirt boldly declares that you hold a degree as a Major League Slut. And you don't need their pathetic attentions, thank you very much.

Gouger. We care about you as a professional. Please specify size (X-Small, X-Medium, Branch Library)

Item #132-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Better Libraries Through Chemistry

Working at the Circulation Desk can be very stressful. Deadbeat patrons pitching fits over a dollar video fine. A phone that never stops rrrrrrringing. The bookdrop is overflowing and the shelvers are riding the bookcarts outside in the street. Many a Circulation Librarian has been reduced to a tearful nervous wreck. They tend to drink.

No need for that. Gouger's got the goods to gladden the gang. Hitch up a few Brume Barcode Scanners to your circ computers. These readers emit a fine Seretonin mist every time you check an item in or out. Think of it. The busier the desk is, the happier everyone will be. Amazing. And this haze of happiness doesn't just reach the staff. A generous fog of fluoxetine envelopes the entire circ area, so patrons get a dose too. It's fantastic!

End the misery at your checkout desk. It's the Brume that sweeps away the blues. Order now. The sanity you save may be your own.

Item #131-Brume Barcode Scanners-$59.95

Monday, November 26, 2007

Logical Library Lift

Space. The disappearing frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Library Shelving. It's never-ending mission: to squeeze in just one more book, to stay in order, to boldly store as no flat surface has stored before! Gouger has been inspired by cheesy TV to present a stellar new product for librarians who are out of space.

Throw away your old shelving and replace it with adjustable Yo-Yo Ma-Ma Shelves. Imagine all the extra space you'll have when your shelves can go up to the ceiling and far into the basement! When staff or patrons need to get at a book, just turn the easy-to-turn control wheel. The desired shelf will move right into easy reach. That's a plus for your wheelchair-bound and elderly patrons. Better access to more books means happier readers. And even happier librarians.

Easy to install, no digging or special tools needed. Please specify metallic or hardwood shelving.

Item #130-Yo-Yo Ma-Ma Adjustable Shelves-$99.95 per 12 ft unit

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tighten Up Your Reference Rust Belt

Gouger's Reference Reprint line continues its fine tradition of low cost and public domain quality with this new volume. Job seekers today need a book that realistically reflects current employment trends. The traditional reference sources just haven't kept up with the times. Government statistics and analysis have their place, but your readers need access to the real economic picture.

Our company is the exclusive importer of the renowned Occupational Outsource Handbook. This helpful guide lets the reader actually meet the person overseas who now holds their old job. Pictured on the right is Vladek. He works in a toy factory in Trashkanistan for a 75 cents a hour. His bosses at their Rapa City, New Jersey headquarters couldn't be happier. The comprehensive index is searchable by both defunct industry and empty industrial site location.

Meet Vlad and his global workforce pals. Comes housed in a sturdy pink slipcase. Printed in North Korea.

Item #129-Occupational Outsource Handbook-$16.95

Monday, November 19, 2007

Stop the Descent Into Bibliomania

No patron ever sees the cataloging department. As a result, this vital team of librarians is always located in the crappiest part of any library building. Technical staff spend their days lurking about dank basements, windowless broom closets, and other assorted dungeons. These bleak surroundings often have worrying effects on a cataloger's mental health. They tend to obsess and mumble a lot.

If your closest companion is a furnace, try this innovative Gouger creation. The Mirage Collage makes the even dreariest rat hole look fabulous! Our easy-to-apply mural will improve the atmosphere of any Dewey Decimal Dystopia instantly. Choose from any one of these appealing and soothing scenes:
  • Beautiful Cathedral of Light
  • Ocean View with No People
  • Upstairs in the Library
  • Bookstore Having a Sale
Gouger guarantees our trompe l'oeil will fool any cataloging staff and make them happy, chirpy extroverts. Just kidding. It will perk them up a bit, though. Order now.

Item #128-Mirage Collage-$44.95 per 100 foot roll.

Friday, November 16, 2007

All Hail the Library Scientist!

There should be a special section of Hell for people who write in library books. These ill-bred cretins have been vandalizing volumes since the first library opened its doors. A religion book bescrawled with angry commentary. An expensive science text underlined. Some moron's idea of wit inscribed on 50 pages of a novel. Guess who gets to erase all this lovely handiwork? Library history was littered with professionals whose arms fell off at the shoulder from endless erasing.

That was until the invention of a medical miracle. Gouger is proud to offer Dr. Jason's Famous Underliner's Liniment. This wonderful balm is carefully formulated by the renowned Library Scientist Dr. Jason. Made of an exclusive blend of methyl salicylate, rubbing alcohol, and a pinch of pure prussic acid Underliner's Liniment will sooth away all your aches and pains and skin. Trust Dr. Jason. He trusts you.

Item #127-Dr. Jason's Famous Underliner's Liniment-$14.95 per 12 oz bottle

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Glow Little Bookworm

A great patron is treasure for any library. Their voracious reading habits keep circulation statistics high and their affable personalities make waiting on them a pleasure. The good people who frequent your institution deserve recognition. Gouger brand recognition.

Show your gratitude with the Affirm the Bookworm Party Pack. Whenever a favored patron reaches a 1,000th checkout milestone, the the library's appreciation will come showering down. This wonderful kit includes everything you need to honor your best readers:
  • Tracking software to monitor circulation statistics
  • Shower of Catalog Card Confetti and Balloons
  • 1 lb box of Chocolate-Covered Chocolates
  • 1 bottle of Make Way For Cold Ducklings Brand Champagne
  • Non-Noisy Noisemakers
  • Camera and Life-Size Cardboard Melvil Dewey for Commemorative Photos
Honor the well-read. Don't be afraid to send Gouger money to show how much you care.

Item #126-Affirm the Bookworm Party Pack-$34.95

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Clarity and Hilarity

As painful as it is to admit, the Dewey Decimal System is becoming antiquated. The categories are archaic and perplexing to many patrons. Sure, a heading like cookery makes sense to librarians. We know these are books full of receipts. But to the average Joe, you're talking in some type of bizarre librarian code.

At Gouger Library Supplies, we revere our library heritage. Our newest product combines the traditions of the DDC with the clarity of current vernacular. End patron confusion with a set of Dewey Deathknell Directional Library Signs. Made of recycled trees, these handsome signs will guide users to the library's many offerings. Here's a sample of some of our improved headings :
  • 004-006 Obsolete Computer Manuals
  • 133 Bullshit, Flaky
  • 158 Trite Little Life Guides
  • 200-289 Christianity
  • 290 Heathens, Assorted
  • 300-309 Various Vague Volumes
  • 362 Vices, Interesting
  • 600 Fixing Stuff : Cars, Hair, Lunch, Health, etc
  • 745 Creating Unwanted Gifts
  • 800 Literature; aka Fiction, Old & Boring
  • 900 Bullshit, Historical
All this any many, many more. Get with the times.

Item #125-Dewey Deathknell Directional Library Signs-$149.95 per set

Thursday, November 08, 2007

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Gouger strives to be an environmentally aware company. Our research team recently discovered the root cause of deforestation, a key contributor to global warming. As amazing as it may seem, the disappearance of the world's forests can be attributed to a small number of individuals. Authors. Specifically, a select few authors whose prolific output threatens the very balance of nature.

As a responsible global citizen, Gouger Library Supplies has a plan. A book plan, to be exact. With our Steel/Hubbard/Oates/Patterson Book Plan we hope to reign in the voluminous output of these human chainsaws. Through clever intimidation and outright lying, Gouger now controls the release of all books by these authors. By limiting each writer to one book every week, S.H.O.P. hopes to cut deforestation by 2/3rds. It's like Chicken Soup for the Planet's Soul.

Sign up today. This may be the Earth's last chance.

Item #124-Steel/Hubbard/Oates/Patterson Book Plan-$14.95 per month

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Fire in the Hole!

Many people just don't know when to leave. Like some patrons. You've flashed the lights, spoken with them, turned off the lights, and threatened to call the cops. Yet they remain seated, finishing up whatever it is that is more important than common courtesy. Librarians are often ignored in this belittling fashion.

Crawl no more. Patrons will be bolting out the door at closing time when you use Nate's Rump Roasters. These attractive chair pads give a new meaning to the phrase "hot seat". You can set the RR's controls for closing time or activate individual cushions as the need arises. The staff will howl with righteous glee when Mr. Important flies out the door clutching his ass, pants-a-smolderin'. Here at Gouger, we put the fun in fundament.

Runs on standard watch batteries. All necessary instructions and disclaimers included. Gouger cannot be responsible for any unpleasant odors that may result from the proper use of this product.

Item #123-Nate's Rump Roasters-$34.95 per half doz

Monday, November 05, 2007

For the Hard of Herring

Sometimes it's all you can do to keep up with patron requests for information on marine life. Sure, you could invest in one of those gigantic aquatic reference sets. But if your library is like most, the reference shelves are already packed like a sardine can. Keep your patrons from carping away because Gouger has a whale of a solution.

The Microfish Reader stores and displays billions of fishy-looking text pages in one machine. Exclusive Microchips technology guarantees finding fish facts fast. Patrons will perch for hours over this stupendous machine. The attached printer accepts cash or credit cod. And it's no fluke the MR is simple to use. Patrons will never flounder with the easy-to-follow directions.

Don't be koi. You know you want one. Order now!

Item #122-Microfish Reader-$499.95

Friday, November 02, 2007

Down the Stairs, First Door on the Left

Librarians repeat themselves a lot. Every day brings the same questions. You give the same answers. The workdays all begin to blend together. Madness descends.

Stop the endless cycle of repetition in your work-a-day world before it's too late. For the sake of staff sanity, invest in the Battology Buddy. This quality phrase-repeating machine will tell patrons what and where clearly and tirelessly. Just push a button! B2 buttons deal with all the major repetitious library questions:
  • Hey Lady! Where's the Can?
  • How Does This *&$@# Copier Work?
  • Do I Need a Library Card to Borrow Books? How Come?
  • What Do You Mean I Have Fines?
  • Why Doesn't This Computer Work?
  • I Have to Wear Pants in Here?
And it's so easy to customize! Add your own answers with the built-in microphone. Save your breath and your sanity with Gouger's wonderful new technonology toy.

Item #121-Battology Buddy-$149.95

Thursday, November 01, 2007

We Really Do Want You To Shut Up

The shushing librarian is an unfortunate stereotype. Too many see us as uptight scolds who relish enforcing petty rules. Yeah, that's what we all live for. Stereotype be damned, we here at Gouger we are not ashamed to declare our love of a quiet library. However, being the human mute button gets you nothing but dirty looks and wasted time.

Buy a product that can do the job for you! Replace your old graffiti-scarred tables with our Table of No Contents. This astounding sound-absorbing furniture sucks in all sound within a 12-foot radius! All noise is muffled by the built-in STFU brand unacoustical tiles. Your most ill-mannered chatterboxes can scream until they turn purple in the face and no one will ever hear them.

They'll leave your patrons speechless. A quiet library. It's not just a dream anymore.

Item #120-Table of No Contents-$149.95 (please specify oak, ply, card, or balsa)