Thursday, April 24, 2008

Everyone Knows It's Wendy

A respected art book publisher has just gone totally bankrupt. Like any hungry capitalist vulture, Gouger has just purchased their entire inventory at pennies on the dollar. Now our lucky customers can feast on this high-quality literary carrion. These coffee-table sized books are packed with stunning full-color plates and brilliant essays by the world's leading art scholars.

These books originally listed at fifty dollars and up. That's why you didn't buy them in the first place. Now that they are part of our Remainders of the Day line, any library can have a fabulous art book collection without breaking the budget. So dust off your oversized shelves, it's time to go shopping!

The first offering from this windfall is by a beloved Caramelite Nun. While her order is traditionally known for their delicious candy-covered apples, this mynchen is famous her knowledge of art history. Sister Wendy's Big Book of Manga is a whirlwind tour of this popular Japanese comic art. Sister deftly guides the reader through the big-breasted, monster-infested, robot-congested world of manga. Sister Wendy's gentle wit is a delightful contrast with the giant hooters featured on much of the art in this splendid volume.

Order multiple copies today! Operators are sitting by.

Item #179-Sister Wendy's Big Book of Manga-$4.95

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Action Packed Librarianship!

Sure, you have a Librarian Action Figure on your desk. It's so cute and whimsical sitting there with a stack of books. Maybe you even have the Deluxe model with the little bookcart and tiny computer. We here at Gouger are more than a little jealous that we didn't dream up this clever desk toy first. That shushing action is simply brilliant. This little librarian is more mighty than any so-called "superhero" doll on the market.

Except for one thing. Proper action figures have all kinds of accessories and sidekicks and playsets and vehicles and cool stuff. Poor Nancy doesn't have any of this necessary superperson equipment. This puts her at a terrible disadvantage to those lesser action figures. Bottom line : it's just not as much fun as it could be.

Have no fear, Gouger is here! We've dreamed up some swell stuff to ensure your Librarian Action Figure provides an authenticly awesome library playtime experience. Presenting our new Hello Dolly Accessory Line. Adults and children will love playing "library" with these genuine biblioaccessories:
  • Library Layabouts with Ratty Couch & Mini Magazines (pictured)
  • Bob the Bald Tire Bookmobile
  • Mac Rotous the Deaf Old Villain with Overdue Fines (pictured)
  • Big Big Bookcases o' Backlog
  • Fortress of Doom Meeting Room w/Long Winded Committee Monsters
  • The Huckster-Reference Book Selling Time Sucking Vampire
  • Box of Magic Donuts and Action Beverage
So authentic, it's almost eerie. These realistic library trappings create an amazing world of fun for your Librarian Action Figure. Collect 'em all.

Item #178-Hello Dolly Accessories-$12.95 each

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Magazines in the Mist

Periodicals have a bad habit of disappearing from libraries. Strangely, they often shed their covers in remote parts of the building before vanishing forever. Perhaps this is some strange magazine moulting behavior. Perhaps, like some sort of periodical larvae, they metamorphose and evolve into a higher form of literature. Or perhaps some dirtbag is ripping covers off to remove the security tape and steal your serials. Hmmm.

Those little electromagnetic strips hustled by other library vendors are all right as far as they go. The problem is they usually go into the trash and the item they are supposed to protect goes out the door. Since most libraries already employ this imperfect "security" system, Gouger has just the thing to make it actually stop periodical pilferers. Make out a purchase order immediately for our brilliant Write Guard Spray. Do it now.

Employing a secret formula of seven magnetic herbs and adhesives, Write Guard keeps library materials where you want them and in one piece. Simply spray the item all over with this alarm-tripping clear veneer. It's like having one of those old style white strips on every single page! Time to circulate? Just deactivate materials using your current security equipment. Nothing else to buy, no extra training required. Write Guard is long-lasting and guaranteed not to harm any type of paper. It even smells like freshly baked donuts. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we know what librarians want.

Item #177-Write Guard Spray-$4.95

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

She Looks Interested So You Don't Have To

Studies conducted by a leading MLS research team have determined conclusively that genealogy is the work of Satan. Here at Gouger we always suspected as much. Being stuck with an enthusiastic genealogist for a patron is a special kind of Hell that causes searing agony for any librarian unlucky enough to become so ensnared. Some have faked or induced health emergencies to escape the endless blather of these ancestry obsessed lunatics. Others have simply gone mad, their poor brains having leaked out their ears in a desperate attempt to flee the body.

This ugly scene need not happen at your library. Avoid dangerous genealogy-induced stupor with Gouger's terrific Ann Nuent, Bobble Head Librarian. These amazingly lifelike statues have an industrial strength springed nodding head that moves at the slightest touch. Just give her a push when you open, and she looks interested all day long. The fact that she does not otherwise move only adds to a genealogist's joy. They drone on all the merrier, believing they have found a kindred soul.

Don't suffer a minute longer. Set Ann up in your genealogy section today. With her rapt expression and her happily nodding head, Ann keeps librarians from descending into descendant madness. Colors may vary.

Item #176-Ann Nuent, Bobble Head Librarian-$1495

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Secret Code of Library Happiness and Wealth

Fad books are an irritant. Trendy titles needlessly eat up book budgets. Patrons scream for multiple copies of the hottest craze. The library has to acquire them or there will be no peace. After the fad dies out the book will never be checked out again. It will sit taking up shelf space until it is weeded twenty years into the future. The library will also receive 100+ donated copies, most of which will be discarded.

There's no need to purchase those tree-killers anymore! Get the fabulous Fad Book Template. This money-saving software means you'll never have to shell out for some bit of trendy claptrap ever again. Just input a little data, choose from Gouger's comprehensive cover art database, and slap the whole mess together. Viola! You've just created this week's best seller. Don't worry about content. Gouger has created some generic filler for the most popular temporary non-fiction. The Fad Book Template is Windows XP, Mac, and Univac compatible.

Please indicate type(s) of book:
  • Exercise With an Aging B-List Celebrity in Tights
  • Diets Which Involve No Effort or Reduction in Food Intake
  • Get Rich Quick Without Any Capital or Common Sense
  • The Secrets to an Unrealistically Happy Life of Fulfillment
  • Why the Current Government is No Damn Good and How to Fix it Immediately
Why make some lucky opportunistic hack rich? End the Book-of-the-Minute Club with Gouger's Great Gizmo. The simple instructions make it all so easy. Call now. Operators miss you.

Item #175-Fad Book Template-$39.95 (specify operating system or let us choose for you)

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Are You an Object of Pity and Scorn?

Don't suffer in silence in your silent workplace any longer. Too many librarians are the victims of that horrible ear malady; Bibliotic Graphitous. Yes, the shame of having ears incapable of holding a pencil is a trauma that no professional should face. The ill-disguised whispers at meetings. The pointing and staring when colleagues think you aren't looking. Never having a pencil handy when you need one. The fact is you just don't feel like a real librarian without a pencil behind your ear.

Those ear-groove widening devices sold by other library vendors end in nothing but heartaches, earaches, and empty pocketbooks. That they offer such quackery at all shows their lack of ethics. Wider ear grooves aren't the answer. Thinner pencils are. Always the innovator, Gouger has come up with a line of slightly skinnier high quality pencils. So simple. So wonderful.

Short people have elevator shoes. The prematurely grey have hair dye. The small eared have Gouger's Gracile Pencils. Give yourself a dose of scribbly self-confidence today. It will be our little yellow secret. Order now!

Item #174-Gracile Pencils-$9.95 per gross

Monday, April 07, 2008

A Blast From the Repast

It's time to eat at the library. You are hungry. Librarians usually rush around like maniacs trying to get the essentials of a dinner together before their meal time is over. Bagged lunches taste like crap, but who has time to go out? Even if there is a decent restaurant close by, it's too expensive to dine out very often. And you had better have that all-essential reading material ready and waiting. Browse the shelves too long and you go unfed. If only there were ready-to-eat dinners just for librarians.

Gouger Library Supplies, that innovator of all things Librarianish, has developed just such a product. Be prepared to devour our new line of microwave meals, the delectable Bibliographic Main Entrees. Each of these nutritious dinners consists of a mouth-watering main course, yummy side dish, generous dessert, and an interesting little book. Here at Gouger, we know your needs. Try all of these scrumptious choices:
  • Chicken Tenders is the Night
  • Life of Turkey Pot Pi
  • All Creatures Great and Edible
  • S is for Salisbury Steak
  • The Curious Incident of the Corn-Dog in the Nite-Time
Gouger's Blickey Brand trays mean the entree stays hot, the dessert doesn't get all mushy, and the book stays dry and interesting. And that's not all! Bibliographic Main Entrees never need refrigeration! No more wasting valuable time searching through the all the crap cluttering the library ice box. Just keep a stack of our dinners right in your desk. Thus, no muss and no fuss. Trust us.

Item #173-Bibliographic Main Entrees-$9.95 per dozen

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Meet Your Waterloo

Librarians are often treated like gods. Specifically, Hercules laboring in the Augean stables. Every library is cursed with patrons who, for unfathomable reasons, live to befoul the bathrooms. All staff members have their suspicions as to the identity of these loathsome cretins, but proving it is both awkward and disgusting. Even if you are sure, who the hell wants to deal with that situation?

Unlike Hercules, your staff doesn't have any handy rivers to divert to clean the john. Some lucky soul breaks out the gloves, brushes, and chemical goodies and retches their way through the task. Gouger says "No more!". Being librarians ourselves, we feel your smelly pain and dry heaves. That's why we've come up with the sensational Scarnner Scanner. Set this system up at any desk and your body fluid cleanup days are over.

This revolutionary restroom monitor scans each patron's library card as they enter the can. If the sensitive sensors detect a rise in the filth levels (smells and surfaces), the Silent-But-Deadly Alarm is activated. If you choose to confront Piggy the Patron, the choice is yours. Should you chose not to, the Scarnner Scanner will end their reign of poopy terror for you. With one terabyte of memory, this fine machine remembers all offenders. Your bathroom doors lock tight whenever any clinchpoop approaches . Give this life and sanity saving product a try. It's craptactular!

Item #172-Scarnner Scanner-$74.99