Friday, August 29, 2008

Arc de Triomphe!

It's celebration time here at Gouger Library Supplies! We are prouder than proud to present our loyal customers with our 200th product! That's right! 200 hundred fun-fulled, highly professional, mirthfully useful, Librarian-friendly creations. Our competitors said we wouldn't last. But they were too busy charging $100 for a box of thumbtacks to notice Gouger's brilliant innovations. That's why those guys suck and Gouger rules. Pack of no-good swindlers.

Have we got a product to commemorate this fine occasion. If you're sick of systems that give you incomplete, inaccurate, or downright useless statistics you're going to love the Arch Angel. It's a traditional beeping security arch and so much more. As each patron passes through it, the Arch Angels tells you what they really did during their library visit. Check out some of these statistical fields:

  • Nothin' But Movies

  • Internet Dating Loser

  • Ran Around Making Noise (Teen)

  • Slept 3 hours - Light Snoring

  • Bathroom and Chatted Up Uninterested Staff Member

  • Stared at Women

  • Jammed Copier and Left

  • Actually Borrowed Book(s)

  • Mumbled to Self and Made Strange Gestures

  • Met Friend - 1/2 Hour Chat (moderately annoying)

  • Genealogy Nut Recounted Family Tree to Uninterested Staff Member

  • Complained About Fine w/o Payment

  • Story Hour and Some Videos

  • Ran Around Making Noise (Juvenile)

  • 2 Large Print Danielle Steel's and a Quick Look at Cosmo

  • Run Tutoring Business and Talked on Phone

  • Washed Out Socks and Shaved

One look at these highly detailed fields will give your administration a new and much more accurate look at how the community really uses the library. And this is just a small sampling of what this fine system will tabulate. This easy-to-install arch works with any computer operating system and software to print out practical and personalized in-depth reports. Comes with all necessary hardware and software.

Invest in one today. It's a product worth celebrating. Call now. Let it ring. Operators are having a little party.

Item #200-Arch Angel Statistical System-$1000

Saturday, August 16, 2008

What's a Martyr For You?

Reference Reprints is back with with another authoritative title for your collection. This celebrated series offers the librarian classic works at reasonable prices. Our latest offering is the long out-of-print Harpy's Horrid Hagiology. Written especially for parochial schoolchildren, H3 combines easy-to-understand biographical entries with color illustrations that can only be described as otherworldly. Over 5,000 saints and are covered with an emphasis on the current trend in children's nonfiction-the disgusting and gross.

Kids everywhere will love researching inspirational figures like these:

St. Agatha who is often depicted carrying her severed breasts on a plate
St. Catherine of Alexandria had milk flow from her wounds when she was beheaded
St. Gwen received a handy third breast after giving birth to three children
St. Lucy plucked out her own eyes and gave them to her ex-fiance
St. Erasmus had hot iron hooks stuck into his intestines.
St. Wilgefortis prayed to be delivered from unwanted marriage and she grew a mustache and beard
St. Lawrence was grilled alive

All this and much more! Pious young scholars won't be led astray by the violence of rap and heavy metal music when they can read this comprehensive passionary. Bound in sturdy pleather, H3 will be sure to become a staple at reference desks everywhere.

Item #199-Harpy's Horrid Hagiology-$150 (3 vol. set)

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Take Your Breath Away

Are you saprostomous? When you breathe near others do they discreetly turn away to gag and turn green? Stepping over the bodies of the unconscious is both hazardous and embarrassing. When your best friends won't or aren't conscious enough to tell you, Gouger will. Face it Librarian, you've got bad breath. And that ain't good.

Stop that halitosis before your nickname is The Librarian Who Exhales Carrion. Mints don't last. Ordinary cullutory haven't been strong enough. You need MLS-strength Booklisterine! This exclusive formula, prepared by Gouger's in-house chemist Dr. Jason, is guaranteed to keep your breath smelling socially acceptable for an entire eight hour shift.

Order a case or two today. 85 proof Booklisterine comes in 3 fantastic flavors-Glazed Donut, Chocolate Mint Fudge, and Circus Peanut. And there's never any bitter "medicine" aftertaste. Keep away from children and open flames.

Item #198-Booklisterine-$24.95 per case of 12