Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Any Book That Requires Another Book to Explain It is Not Worth Reading

Gouger is beyond proud to celebrate the release of our 100th product. Our competition is seething with ill-concealed jealousy. As well they should. They're a bunch of con artists who sell boring overpriced crap. The Gouger name stands for quality professional merchandise. Humor-filled items librarians need and want.

To mark this historic event, we are releasing the most stupendous Reference Reprint to date. Students the world over will applaud the comeback of Professor Ari Starch's literary criticism series Why This Book Sucked. This is REAL criticism, not the scholarly analysis other "critical" books offer. The author spares no book from his wrath. Starch took the position that any book one has to be forced to read must suck. Students will love citing the insults and curses in their reports.

WTBS criticizes all the "classics" students rightfully hate. Each lengthy essay uses plain language to expound on the suckiness of a book. And boy, do these books suck:
  • Hamlet - "What the hell is going on? I can't understand a thing anyone says. Thee, thou, thine. Speak English, you bastards!"
  • The Scarlet Letter - "Manages to make adultery with the clergy a dull read. "
  • Animal Farm - "At least this is short. It still sucks though. Sucks bad."
  • Moby Dick - "What a disappointment. The title is very misleading."
  • Silas Marner - I'd rather have my teeth pulled out than read this book. Pulled out through my ass."
  • War and Peace - "This book is so long I hated it before I even read a page. Vile and tedious with unpronounceable Commie names."
Real books. Real emotion. The literal truth. Why This Book Sucked is real literary criticism. Remember your youth and order a set today.

Item #100-Why This Book Sucked-$1499 for 100 volumes

Monday, August 27, 2007

Fine Spine O' Mine

Here at Gouger we often whine
Scream, shout, complain, and malign
Those huge paperbacks with floppy design

Stand them up straight
They'll end up supine
Knocking down every single book in the line
Endlessly, endlessly, you must realign

Link up to Gouger, library vendor so fine
Purchase their Backbone Paperback Spine
Truly it is a most miraculous chine
Order today - $24.99

Item #099-Backbone Paperback Spine-$24.99

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Coerced of Times

Some days the library clock simply stands still. You are a hungry, tired, grumpy librarian. Don't you wish you could fast-forward through the day and have some pizza? Gouger has the solution. No, we haven't figured out time travel (we will). But our newest item is just as handy.

Introducing Gouger's Deasil Weasel Wall Clock. This smart-looking retro clock will brighten any reading room or circulation desk. It will definitely brighten your day because you control the time! Simply employ the discreet remote control (included) and spin the clock's hands to any time you desire.

End a boring meeting. Speed patrons on their way. Make that matinee or early bird special. Lengthen your quality time, anytime.

Made of all natural synthetic materials, the D.W. will serve your library faithfully for years. Get time on YOUR side today. Order now.

Item #098-Deasil Weasel Wall Clock-$24.95

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Only Stamp You'll Ever Need

Gouger thinks of everything. Our Library Scientists have invented an ink stamp that can be used on any library correspondence. Our new 4-Kova Stamp saves your valuable time and money! Since "Send Money" is the underlying theme of much library correspondence, you can almost end the chore of writing altogether. Recipients will appreciate your brevity. And you can get to lunch on time.

Each durable stamp comes with three Inky Stinky brand ink pads. That's right - one each in black, green, and red. Make your shameless begging stand out!

The straightforward message can be applied to all kinds of library publications :
  • Overdue notices
  • Letters to any level of government
  • Friends of the Library fliers
  • Event posters
  • Library stationery
  • Scrap paper
  • Date due slips
  • Foreheads
The possibilities are almost endless. If it's on paper or holds still, chances are you should imprint it with this fine stamp. Guaranteed to earn back its cost in six months if used improperly.

Item #097-4-Kova Stamp-$14.95

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Are You Ready to Resort to Humorous Violence?

Cell phones are evil. Libraries can cover their walls with signs. You can spend endless hours shushing loudmouth twits. Even Gouger's Cell Phone Detonator (Item #001) hasn't stopped them. You've been nice. It's time to get nasty. Gouger nasty.

Luckily, the Cell Phone Orifice Assistant is simple to use and requires no bodily contact. Merely walk by Mr. Grobian and drop the device. Upon hitting the floor, a powerful vacuum is engaged. The cell phone is sucked instantly into the unit. The Assistant's DNA sensors then identify the phone's user. It quickly inserts itself into that person's nearest body cavity. Since the device is usually on the floor, results can be highly amusing. Once the cell phone has been wedged firmly into a body crevice, the device falls to the floor for some vigorous self-cleaning.

Harmless fun that sends a message. Gouger cannot be responsible. Really. We've tried.

Item #096-Cell Phone Orifice Assistant-$49.95 (batteries included)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Circular Logic

Meetings are the lifeblood of library science. Maybe it's your library's turn to host this month's Board of Conference Association Committees Roundtable. You've washed the coffee pot and ordered the chocolate pastry. It's when you go to set up the chairs the horror engulfs you. THE LIBRARY HAS NO ROUND TABLE! That plain rectangular furniture will spell your professional doom.

Gouger can save you from this mortifying situation. The membership will vote you fantastic when you use our Truncated Corner Cutters. These clever devices will turn any shape table into a Roundtable. Avoid the embarrassment of pointy tables that ruin meetings and sidetrack promising careers. These quality rounding devices easily snap on to any table - no tools or assembly required.

Avoid embarrassment and certain doom today. The quorum will adore 'em. That's a Gouger guarantee.

Item #095-Truncated Corner Cutters-$24.95 per set of 4

Friday, August 10, 2007

Rub-a-Dub Dub Librarians in a Tub

Librarians have long known the proper manner one must employ to truly enjoy a book. To get the most out of any volume the reader should be lounging in a lovely steaming bubble bath. But the potions available in regular stores just aren't made with the information professional in mind. Their harsh smells and lackluster bubbles just aren't good enough for a real reader.

Introducing Gouger's fantastic Bubbliographic Bubble Bath! These luxurious scents will cause librarians to stay in the tub until the last chapter. And not only do the bubbles last, they insulate the water and keep it piping hot. Made from somewhat natural ingredients, B3 is aromatherapy in the truest sense of the word. Try one of these great fragrances :
  • Like Water and Chocolate
  • Melon of Troy
  • Fresh Flowers in the Attic
  • Vanillas in the Mist
  • The Grapes of Bath
  • The Sandalwood Bible
You work hard in the book mines all day. We guarantee our Bubbliographic Bubble Bath will enhance any reading experience. It's so relaxing, you'll may never come out of the tub. Gouger cannot be held responsible for excessive shrivelling caused by 700 page historical novels.

Item #094-Bubbliographic Bubble Bath-$5.95 per 16oz bottle

Thursday, August 09, 2007

DDC You Real Soon

Catalogers have a friend in Gouger. We design our products with your obsessions in mind. How many times have you wanted to properly classify a book, only to be thwarted by a lack of label space? It can be maddening.

Now you can go screwy with Dewey and extend those call numbers out as far as they can go. Break out the tables sister, you're going to town! Want to add on geographic numbers down to the neighborhood level? Feel the need to use a 23-digit call number? Do it with Gouger's Spacious Spine Labels.

The next time a fellow cataloger wonders aloud who actually uses those ridiculous Library of Congress CIP numbers you can proudly pipe up "Me!, that's who. My call numbers are accurate and I LOVE IT!".

Item #093-Spacious Spine Labels-$10.95 per 1000

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

It's Just That Tuesdays Were So Depressing

Gouger works tirelessly developing innovative and ridiculous products for librarians. We are thrilled to announce our new line of mass market books. Your patrons will love our Remainders of the Day collection. Librarians will love the rock bottom prices.

Gouger now buys the offal from hundreds of publishers. Many of these books are former best sellers. Think about it. Most hot titles have long waiting lists. They are never just sitting on the shelves. Who'd be the wiser if you didn't buy your copies right away? Nobody, that's who. Everyone assumes someone else has the book, anyway.

Our kick-off selection was on best seller lists for-freakin'-ever. Wednesdays with Lori, Tori, Florrie, Salvatore, and Rory by Mitch A. Bum is the touched story of an annoying young man. Visits to his dying mentor are so draining he embarks on a spree of sordid promiscuity. The old man gibbers life-affirming wisdom one day, then Mitch indulges in sordid encounters the next. The contrast between the schmaltzy life lessons and endless smut made this book a huge success.

Buy a dozen copies and $ave. Things really are better late than never.

Item #092-Remainders of the Day-$1.00 per copy, $10 per dozen

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Meet Pete

Mean people suck. The worst are adults who beat kids. And not a little soft spanky, either. A backhanded slap that could drop a welterweight. Some of them are even brazen enough to haul off and belt their offspring right in public. Public - as in a public library. Yet you hesitate to step forward, fearful of the consequences. Equally scary are the consequences if you don't act.

Never stand by again. Gouger is proud to offer Pete Paladin, Bastard Berater. Most folks are afraid to confront others. Pete solves this inaction by leading the charge. He will get right in the face of any prick who hits a kid. Emboldened, others will soon join in. Your staff will definitely have to call the cops to break up this shouting match. Everyone will then enjoy the spectacle of a Big Bully trying to explain to Officer Skeptical. Sweet feat, Pete.

Just desserts. If only life could be as sweet for a some kids. Call Gouger now and Pete can be lounging in your library before the next story hour.

Item #091-Pete Paladin, Bastard Berater-$2000

Spend a Penny at the Library

Libraries are forever being hit upon by office supply moochers. Sure, it might seem petty to refuse someone a paper clip or a couple of rubber bands. But after the 10,000th handout, the cost starts to add up. Not to mention the expense of pens, calculators, and rulers that are "borrowed" never to be seen again.

Free your staff forever from dirty looks and accusations of cheapness. The next time some stationery sponge asks to staple a few pages together, hand him Gouger's Penny Loafer Coin-Operated Stapler. This clever device vends out staples for one cent each. If a patron should complain, turn the tables and call them cheap. After all, it's only a penny. Geeeeeze.

The PLCOS uses standard staples and will hold up to $20 in pennies. What's not to love? Add one to your next order; you'll become attached to it instantly. You bad penny.

Item #090-Penny Loafer Coin-Operated Stapler-$8.95

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I Fought the Law and the Law Won

As a public service, we here at GLS are proud to present Gouger's Laws of Library Science. These maxims have been collected over the years with help from our many valued customers. The librarians in the trenches of the battle against ignorance. The people who know.

Students enrolled in MLS programs can gain priceless insight into the librarianship that just can't be obtained from the professional literature.

The Laws are an ongoing project. If you have a library truism to share with the world, use the comments link to submit it. If it's a winner, the Gouger Gang just might add it to the list.

Gouger. Leading the way. Laying down the law.