Monday, June 30, 2008

Painless Philoprogentive PR

Every library card that gets issued to a child is a small victory for the forces of bibliogood. Kids feel very important, happy, and grown-up to have their very own library card. And they're right. It's really a cool deal for everyone involved.

Here at Gouger we feel that this event is a wonderful cause for a celebration and some moneymaking. Make a proper big deal out of this very important milestone with our My First Library Card Kit. Every new little borrower will be thrilled with the snazzy commemorative photo you'll take with the simple-to-use Shutterbug Digital Camera. This 12-megapixel camera (software included) even looks just like an adorable storybook ladybug!

And that's not all! Every kit comes with 10,000 My First Library Card cardboard photo folios. Be sure to include your library's name and logo and we'll emboss it right on each folder at no extra cost. Preserve those cheesy toothless smiles and storybook memories for all time. Mom and Dad Taxpayer will love you forever. And so will little Judy and Elroy who will think the library is the swellest place on Earth. Which it is.

Order today and we'll throw in a gross of MFLC pencils and a jumbo roll of our "Born to Read" E-Z-2 Remove Stickers. It's a great deal. Get 'em reading early. Get 'em reading for life.

Item #193-My First Library Card Kit-$199

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Go Through the Change With Gouger

Spring cleaning season is in full swing. For libraries this means lots and lots of donations. Mostly this is a good thing. Worn out former best sellers can be replaced with shiny new copies. Books that the budget didn't allow for now show up on the doorstep. All for free. Sort of.

For all of this swag comes at a cost. Specifically, the work-hours spent sorting through liquor boxes of musty offscum. It is estimated for every donated book that ends up in the collection, a librarian will screen two dozen books that end up in the landfill. It's such a waste.

But not anymore. The best minds here at Gouger Labs have invented a way to both expand your collection and free up valuable dumpster space. Behold the wonder that is the Donation Transformation Station! This wondrous machine takes literary crap and turns it into literary gold. Simply fill the hopper with a couple dozen trashy novels, archaic textbooks, torn magazines, and any other printed dreck you've inherited. Turn a few dials, press some buttons, then flip the switch. Presto! You've got a shiny new summer reading list classic. Hardcover, too.

Yes, Gouger has licenced over 1500 perennial schoolteacher favorites to choose from. Simply select from the handy menu. Get all the books your student population needs when they need them. The Donation Transformation Station is compact, lightweight and easy to operate. Purchase this innovative collection development tool. It will pay for itself in 20 minutes. That's a Gouger Guarantee.

Item #192-Donation Transformation Station-$1675

Monday, June 16, 2008

Reading Rainbow

Gouger's Remainders of the Day series brings our customers the best in publisher misfortunes at prices that are hard to beat. Whenever they need quick cash to cover a shortfall, publishing houses around the world call Gouger and sell off good books cheap!

Our newest title is that hot new relationship bestseller. That's right, get pop psychologist Jon Gay's newest revelations in Mars and Mars Come Out of the Closet. The author of a series of best selling self-help books, Mr. Gay examines the communication issues between the sexes that have puzzled him and his male friends for so long.

There's sure to be a long waiting list for this popular author. At Gouger prices any library can afford multiple copies. Gouger. We take advantage of others for profit. For you.

Item #191-Mars and Mars Come Out of the Closet-$4.95 per dozen

Friday, June 13, 2008

I'll Be Damned!

That Pope Benedict XVI! What will he do next? In conjunction with Gouger, the pontiff has started his own book club! That's right. Every month His Holiness will pick out a book and discuss it with the masses. And Gouger is the place to get the good word and the good books.

Join Poperah's Book Club and you will receive that month's selection as soon as it is announced. Just tell us how many copies your library needs and Gouger will speed them to your library all processed and ready to circulate. It's almost a miracle.

Here's a preview of what the Holy Father might be considering :
  • The Bible (version unannounced)

  • Tuesdays With Moses

  • The Genesis Book of World Records

  • Ordinary Papal

  • The Diet of Worms : Never Be Fat Again, Just Like the Vatican

  • Holy See, Holy Do

  • Beatify Your Home

Join today! You can bet your zucchetto that these books will be the talk of the town! And that's no Papal Bull.

Item #190-Poperah's Book Club-$14.95 per copy

There's Something in the Air

Fuel is getting prohibitively expensive. Bookmobiles are hardly known for their great MPG. Together these two facts spell doom for many a mobile library. For the recession-scarred community, this ain't good news. When it takes the price of a novel (no discount) to turn the engine over, the bookmobile is going up on blocks.

Luckily, Gouger Library Supplies has a solution. While lesser library vendors have been busy jacking up their prices, our Research Team has developed a super alternative fuel source. Our Hot Air Converter gathers all the windy rhetoric from the many meetings, conferences, and seminars held at a library and turns it into usable fossil fuel! Just place the compact unit in any meeting room and turn it on. It's that easy. In case of a long-winded speaker the HAC has a no-overflow feature that keeps the converted fuel safely in the tank. Each HAC comes with two 100 gallon wheeled tanks and all the necessary instructions and hardware.

Harness the one energy source a library will never run out of! Gun that motor!

Item #189-Hot Air Converter-$1000

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Jewel of Denial

When crazy people visit the library it can be a trial for all involved. Most of the reality challenged cause no more problems than the average patron. Considerably less in many cases. However, their tendency towards galimatias can be distracting and unnerving. And since they usually have no place to go, the mentally interesting tend to linger.

Frankly, there's not much that can be done about this situation. If libraries removed everyone who mumbled to themselves, it could get mighty lonely. But at least you can try to make things look normal with our latest product. Pair off your gibbering loonies with Gouger's Folie a Deux Bracelets. These fashionable bangles fasten two prattlers together so it at least appears they are sharing a conversation. Your other patrons will hardly notice them. Everyone's happy. Made of pure metal, Gouger bracelets are both beautiful and sturdy. Order immediately.

Item #188-Folie a Deux Bracelets-$24.95 per set of 6

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Don't Be a Pusher

Librarians like order. They like neatness. Because a librarian's job involves finding things for people, we like things to be where they belong. This trait carries over to areas other than library materials. Chairs, for example. It is a rare librarian who does not automatically push in a chair as they pass by. And at the end of a work day, pushing in the chairs goes along with shutting down computers and picking up stray books. It's what we do.

Get that neat-as-pin look any time you want without lifting a finger. Invest in Gouger's So Inclined Chair Slopes. Place one of these easy-to-install automatic glacises under each patron chair. The next time that chair needs pushing in, simply press the appropriate button on the remote control (included). SICS lets you push in individual chairs or tidy up en masse at closing time. So simple. Activating SICS when a patron is sitting in a chair is not recommended. This may lead to equipment failure and general hilarity.

Item #187-So Inclined Chair Slopes-$67.95 each

Saturday, June 07, 2008

A Better Fetter

The effects of Reference Burnout can take many forms. One of the most common is Wandering Librarian Syndrome. This sad affliction causes librarians to avoid public service areas and disappear into the stacks. For the busy supervisor this can be most troublesome for it is often they who must then serve an angry public.

While any good leader can sympathize with their staff, underlings must be treated with a firm hand. Keep your librarians where they belong with Gouger's Ball And Chain Kit. This traditional confinement device is made of sturdy cast iron and is guaranteed to cut WLS symptoms by 92%. Each B.A.C.K. includes a 50 lb. ball, tool-proof chain, and adjustable leg shackle. The chain can easily be lengthened or shortened giving you control of librarian mobility and range.

Comes in basic black only. Order 6 or more and receive a 20% discount. Hold 'em back with B.A.C.K. Or work the desk yourself.

Item #186-Ball And Chain Kit-$49.95 each

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Jerk Us to the Circus

Is your library a victim of its own popularity? Do your patrons dawdle, linger, and refuse to leave in an timely manner every single closing time? Hey impatient librarian, Gouger has just the thing to make lockup hassle-free! The best brains at Gouger Labs have developed the ultimate in building vacating systems.

Never again will you and your staff have to wait in mounting anger while the Library Lingerers decide to mosey out on their own terms. You'll have everybody running out the door 10 minutes before closing when you crank up your new Mr. Mirage HoloLaughic Outdoor Projection System. Using trusted Gouger technology, Mr. Mirage projects wonderful and tempting scenes right outside your library! Patrons won't hang around when there's an enticing circus across the street. Or a free beer stand. And who knew that movie star's car would get stranded right in the library lot?

Amazingly lifelike with realistic sounds, each of the 1500 different scenarios is sure to lure your mopes and stragglers out the door night after night. Mr. Mirage includes all necessary hardware and is easy to install and run. Close up on time tonight and every night. Order immediately.

Item #185-Mr. Mirage Hololaughic Outdoor Projection System-$2500