Saturday, August 08, 2009

Here's the Story of Lovely Library...

The average workday of a librarian is a surreal journey through a bizarre alternate universe. The library world has it's own strange logic; situations that would cause hysterics in the outside world barely raise an eyebrow here. Describing the job to people outside the library field frequently causes shocked expressions followed by gales of laughter. They can't believe it. Libraries are genteel refuges of quiet where one contemplates Shakespeare. Right.

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we have long felt this quirky literary wonderland would make a fantastic setting for a situation comedy. All the necessary elements are already in place; an eccentric staff, wacky neighbors, money troubles, misguided romance, farcical misunderstandings and bratty children. Top it all off with an endless stream of screwball visitors and you've got the makings one funny TV show. All you need is a catchy theme song and guest appearances by Karen Valentine and John Davidson.

Gouger can't put your library on network TV. Only Hollywood or the police can do that. But you can have the next best thing with our amazing new Library Laugh-Back Track! This compact and easy-to-use device will supply your already TV-like existence with the snickers, guffaws, and dacrygelosis that have always been so noticeably lacking.

This wonder was invented by that eminent Mad Library Scientist, Mr. Bibliophage Sardonicus (ED, MLS, Phd, C3P0). His Library Laugh-Back Track utilizes the naturally horrid acoustic of every library building to easily bring laughter into every nook and cranny. Everyone in the library will feel like a TV star!

Celebrate and enjoy the unique zaniness that is the library. Purchase our Library Laugh-Back Track and start reaping the sidesplitting benefits of an even weirder workplace. No installation required; takes two 9-volt batteries (included).

Item #219-Library Laugh-Back Track-$49.95

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Give In to Library Depression

Every librarian wants their book displays to be tidy and attractive. Patrons seem magically drawn to well-stocked shelves of books placed conveniently in their path. Likewise, your hand picked assortment of mysteries featuring cats or fishing with dynamite books will be ignored when the bookcase is a half-empty mess.

But, you've been so busy. The library has been a madhouse, half the staff has been laid off, and you've got professional meetings up the wazoo. There just isn't time to check and fill the display ten times a day. Don't worry, 'cause Gouger's always got what librarians need.

We've decided to revive a classic product from the 1930s. There's no need to worry when you've got our wondrous Self-Fulfilling Book Display. This Really Great Depression book case is so easy to use. Just pull the desired books from the stacks, unlock the back of the SFBD, and dump the books down the chute. Each SFBD unit can hold up to 500 volumes, so go thematically nuts!

When a book is removed from a shelf, the Self-Fulfilling Book Display immediately slides a new one in to replace it. And the sturdy clockwork mechanism means no added energy bills! Never again be host to an empty, lousy-looking display! Made of Gouger's exclusive Walnot brand "Wood", these handsome bookcases will last many centuries. Make an investment in better circulation and happier patrons. The librarians of the Great Depression survived and flourished and so can you. Your patrons need you more than ever. Shop Gouger today!

Item 218-Self-Fulfilling Book Display-$500 per 12 ft. unit

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Black Hole of Calcutta Numbers

Hey Catalogers! Gouger has developed yet another fantastic product to make your life easier. Every cataloger on this spinning Earth hates, Hates HATES processing weird library materials. You know the kind of stuff we mean. A vampire novel with a blood red velvet cover. A kit with 3 books, a CD, 100 flashcards, a stuffed animal, and an purple accordion. The picture book shaped like a dump truck that has actual wheels and a working motor. Or even the worst - an electronic book gizmo that not only defies proper categorization, but is sure to break after three circulations. If all the fool pieces don't aren't lost first.

We can't tell you why your coworkers insist on purchasing these ridiculous items. Maybe they don't realize what a pain in the ass it is to process and circulate this stuff. Maybe they think they're being "innovative" and "cutting edge". They're misguided attempts needn't ruin your workday. It's not your fault they read too many of those silly professional journals. Let Gouger help.

Never waste another minute pondering how to attach a spine label to an item with no discernible edge. Push those unwanted and annoying items right over your very own cutting edge. It's all so easy with the new Catalogacombs. This innovative underground storage labyrinth will keep irritating realia and other wrong library materials right where they belong: deep, deep in the bowels of the Earth. And it's ready to use right out of the box! No digging, machinery or movement of any kind required.

Anne Thracks of the Bourne Free Library says "I couldn't run my department without the Catalogacombs! It's so roomy and there's never any annoying echo to give you away." That's a plus when snoopy coworkers come looking for their acquisitions. Down they go into the magma and I can get some work done". Catalogacombs. Only from Gouger Library Supplies.

Item #217-Catalogacombs-$2300

Friday, April 10, 2009

It's OK To Laugh. Really.

Pink slips are looming in many a library. Municipal budgets are even more horrid than usual, and you know what that means. Bye-bye 'Brarian. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we share your pain. Without our customers we're up Cat Box Creek without a litter scoop. So we've produced a proactive product to prepare professional people for a possible personal panic.

Get yourself one of our stylish Librarian's Sign of the Times. These attractive sandwich boards will make you stand out from the rest of the MLS crowd. In these tough economic times, a librarian needs to utilize every edge. Made of waterproof pressboard, these signs are both sturdy and lightweight. No more backaches or warped signs with runny ink! You're a professional, so let it show. Gouger. We Want You Buying, Not Crying. Order now, while you still have some money. Please specify sign desired:





Item #216-Librarian's Sign of the Times-$14.95

Monday, March 02, 2009

if u cn rd ts u cn bcome a hi pd librn

A degree in the Library Sciences used to be a costly prize. Two or more long years of extra toil in the academic gulag. Your graduation gift is often unemployment and an additional student loan to contend with. Sure, the campus is pretty and the professors are acerebral. But wouldn't it be better to learn Real Librarianship from Real Librarians from the comfort of your own home? Sure it would!

Now you can. Get that coveted MLS from our new graduate school, Gouge U. Study the Library Sciences at your own pace for only $20 a credit. What a deal! Our faculty has been recruited from witty, wise, working librarians. These well-seasoned professionals will give you the student the real-world knowledge and practical know-how necessary in becoming a productive professional person. And this dedication to humorous scholarship is reflected in Gouge U's Comprehensive Course Catalog
  • ICUP 501 - Photocopiers - Paper Jams and Toner Replacement
  • ICUP 502 - Wishing a Grant
  • ICUP 503 - Collection Development on a Literal Dime
  • ICUP 504 - Left Behind : Trend Following in Technology
  • ICUP 505 - I Love a Survey
  • ICUP 506 - Building Maintenance for the Impractically Educated
  • ICUP 507 - Professional Field Busywork
  • ICUP 508 - Advanced Alphabetical Order
  • ICUP 509 - Developing Great Programs For Your Community to Ignore
  • ICUP 510 - Symposiums, Roundtables, Working Groups, Committees, Seminars, Boards, Retreats, Workshops, Panels, Forums, Focus Groups, and other Donut-Eating Gatherings
  • ICUP 520 - YA Librarianship : Lame Slogans and Sad Attempts
  • ICUP 521 - Leadership Skills : Not Giggling When Somebody Farts
  • ICUP 522 - Every Child Left Behind : Latchkey Kids in the Library
  • ICUP 523 - In God We Trustee :Getting the Board of Your Prayers
  • ICUP 524 - What's That Smell?
  • ICUP 525 - Disaster Planning : Great Disasters Anytime
  • ICUP 526 - Torturous and Arcane Cataloging of Odd Items
  • ICUP 527 - 90% of Reference - Where's the Toilet?
Scholarship. Integrity. How to win a screaming match over 40 cents with your dignity intact. A Gouge U degree delivers all that and so much more. Learn the Library Sciences in your pajamas without ever leaving the house or combing your hair. Graduates receive an impressive-looking diploma and $25 off their next Gouger purchase. Compare that with those other "library schools".

Whether you want to brush up on your skills with a few classes or enter the degree program, a Gouge U education is money well spent. All Gouge U courses are fully accredited by the American Library Ass. No hidden student fees. No campus parking nightmares. Gouge U; the Graduate School for the Practical Polymath. Don't settle for MLeSS!

Item #215 - Gouge U. Master of Library Science Program - $20 per credit

Monday, February 09, 2009

A Steel of a Deel

That Danielle Steal. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we admire her hearty work ethic and her ability to produce at least one bestseller a week. We also admire her vast stockpiles of gold and the squadron of flying monkeys that guard it. We've seen them and they are so cool. That pact she made with Lucifer at the crossroads in Mississippi has paid off in spades.

While some foolish mortals may scoff at her prose as pedestrian, Danielle is popular where it counts. In the pocketbook. Book buying ladies can't get enough of her luxurious tales of glamor and intrigue. And what Librarian doesn't pick up her newest tome from the booktruck in Cataloging? Who can resist gazing at Danielle's newest picture on each jacket, peering up at you in all her wicked glory? Nobody. That's who.

That's why we here at Gouger are simply thrilled anticipating the riches we will rake in with the release of our newest Remainders of the Day. Our buyers have unearthed not just one, but an entire series of Danielle's earliest novels! These books were released by Slattern, a small paperback publisher that catered to a specialty market. Due to an extremely limited press run and a suspicious warehouse fire, these books have remained virtually unknown.

The saga of the Hough sisters is one that is sure to boost the circulation in any library. This multigenerational epic follows the fortunes of a family of poor women who discover a magical product that they can sell over and over again. But the path to riches is paved with both heartache and happiness. Ms. Steal's many fans will enjoy her first literary efforts, which reveal her evolving style and flair for drama. Gouger has bound this special edition in lovely dalmatian puppy leather, just like the coat the author has always so longingly coveted.

Order early. This tremendous literary find is sure to sell out wicked fast.

Item #214-Remainders of the Day-$59.95 per set of 7 volumes.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Stick Out Your Can Here Comes the Garbage Man

Stop embarrassing yourself in front of others! Every time you try to toss a balled up scrap of paper into the wastebasket or recycling bin you miss by a freakin' mile. "Hey!", you might say, "I'm a librarian, not Larry Freakin' Bird! I know I'm a pathetic shot! Get off my back!" So very defensive. Gouger Library Supplies knows this is a sore spot for its many uncoordinated and nearsighted customers.

Never suffer the embarrassment of getting up from your chair to retrieve a bad throw again. Patrons and librarians alike will be in awe of your skills when you use the Suckular Circular File. This high-tech wastebasket is equipped with powerful sensors that will detect any object thrown within a five-foot radius. The powerful vacuum action then kick in and suck that lousy toss right into the trash. Handmade by the world famous wastebasket craftsmen of Trashkanistan, these attractive baskets will complement any library decor.

Staff and patrons will be in awe of your amazing shooting accuracy and range. Prepare to become a Library Legend with the Suckular Circular File. Not responsible for humorous accidents involving any body part or articles of clothing. Part of Gouger's Our Little Secret line.

Please specify desired color :
Item #213-Suckular Circular File-$24.95