Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Gouger's Best Seller Ever!

Life at a library can be pretty nerve-wracking sometimes. As always, the innovators here at Gouger have come to your rescue. Our miraculous Organic Mobile Stress Relief Device is the one product guaranteed to stop librarian burnout even before it starts. Like a lovely work of art, the OMSRD will charm staff and patrons alike. Covered with a luxurious fur coating (colors may vary), this product is both calming and charming. It will strike beautiful poses about the building and make your library more friends than Fine Amnesty Week. Simply pick up or gently rub the device and the OMSRD does the rest. At random moments it will even emit a soothing humming sound. Best of all, the self-cleaning OMSRD requires so little maintenance! Just feed it the special cereal-like pellets (included), water it, and watch it go! Be sure to include one in your next order; your library will be an island of serenity before you know it.

Shipped overnight in a soft, heated container at no extra charge.

Item #010-Organic Mobile Stress Relief Device-$50

Friday, January 26, 2007

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Gouger is proud to present another ingenious money-saving device. Replace the library's old clunky oil-burning furnace with our innovative new Donations Furnace. This easy-to-install furnace can replace any current heating/cooling system. Once it's in place, simply attach the patented self-feeding Donations Shute and your library will soon be toasty warm. The Donations Furnace is designed to run especially well on Reader's Digest Condensed Books, 30-year-old encyclopedias, National Geographics, ratty paperbacks, underlined textbooks, and mildewy novels. One liquor box of books can heat a large library for a week.

Plus, as an added bonus, Gouger will include at no extra charge the Air Conditioning Adaptor. Use those same books to keep cool all summer!

Why fill up the library's dumpster when you could be stoking your way to savings?

Item #009-Donations Furnace-$2300

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Honor The Silent Heroes

Every library is blessed with some truly great patrons. These wonderful people use the library as it should be used. They return their books on time and intact. If they don't they appologize and pay their fines without whining. They are polite and quiet. They go to your booksales and call the mayor in support of the library's pending budget. It's the nice man who brings chocolates for the staff at the holidays. The quiet teenager who reads for fun. The lady who always smiles and thanks you for waiting on her. The cute toddler you watch grow up reading.

Too often librarians concentrate on the patrons who drive the staff bonkers. Now is the time to honor those treasured library patrons who make it all worthwhile. Invest in Gouger's Great Patron Memorial Statue. This exquisite life-size statue is made of our patented "Marblette". It stays shiny bright and resists all graffitti. At no extra charge each piece includes an engraved plaque where you can name names. Put one in your lobby or on the front lawn today.

Item #008 Great Patron Memorial Statue-$1500

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Let's Just Admit It, Genealogy Sucks

Let's face it, genealogy is an annoying pain in the ass for most librarians. Patrons are often under the misconception that "everything is in the computer" and that you can just type in their name and get all the information they need immediately. Now there's no need to disappoint them. Introducing Gouger's state-of-the-art Family Tree Fabricator! This cutting-edge software invents an impressive looking family tree instantly. Simply input the information the patron already knows and press the button. A few seconds later a wonderfully illustrated and detailed family tree pops up! The program randomly assigns your patron colorful ancestors like pirates, cowboys, war heroes, lion tamers, naughty vaudeville dancers, and the all-important Mayflower descendent. They'll never know the difference and everybody's happy. Make yourself happy and order today.

Item #007-Family Tree Fabricator Software (PC & Mac Compatible)-$50

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Embarrassing Books Begone!

Weeding is a chore that librarians never seem to have enough time to do. Let Gouger solve that problem for you. Try a quart of our exclusive Skottz Weeding Killer. After the library closes, simply spray Skottz on the section(s) you want to weed. Overnight, Skottz fast-acting, great-smelling chemicals will cause useless books to fall straight to the floor. In the morning, just send young what's-his-face the shelver around to scoop them all up. So easy, so quick.

Order today so your patrons don't have to wonder if man ever got to the moon! (yes)

Item # 006 Skottz Weeding Killer-$25 per quart, sprayer included

Item #006a-Out of Date Spray
Item #006b-Falling Apart Spray
Item #006c-Hasn't Circulated Since LBJ Was in Office Spray

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Tax Your Psychic Powers!

Librarians have long been thought to have the power to see beyond. Our mysterious ability to find answers seems almost supernatural to mere mortals.

So put those alleged otherworldly powers of yours to practical use with Gouger's Tax Form Ouija Board.

Patrons frequently expect librarians somehow have the paranormal ability to automatically "know" which tax forms they need. Why not make it a fun time for both of you? This miraculous board is guaranteed to be at least as accurate and helpful
as the IRS, perhaps even a little more so. Works on both state and federal forms.

Item #005 - Tax Form Ouija Board w/Planchette - $50 each

A New Kind of Bookend

Are your library's bookshelves being overrun by annoyingly prolific authors? If you can't squeeze another title onto the shelves thanks to the 50+ copies you had to buy of Danielle Steel's latest potboiler than this is the product for you.

Tested on real books, Gouger's sensational Prolific Author Contraceptives will keep those overly-fertile authors from overtaking the entire library. Simply attach the pill right on the book's recto and leave it in the bookpress overnight. By morning, you can rest assured that you'll never have to look at that hack's face on another book jacket ever again.

Save the Trees and reclaim your library today!

Item # 004 Prolific Author Contraceptives - $75 per 100

004A Danielle Steel
004B Joyce Carol Oates
004C Contemporary Literary Criticism
004D James Patterson
004E Sandra Brown
004F Tim LaHaye
004G Chicken Soup For the Soul

004H Dave Pelzer
004I John "Men are From Mars" Gray

Friday, January 12, 2007

No More Boring Books!

The classics! Who needs 'em? Certainly not your library's student population. Make a million friends with Gouger's patented Classics Deborer. Just insert any tedious tome you choose and simply flick the switch. Presto! Like magic, the Classics Deborer makes that 800 page epic nightmare into a fascinating beach read. How does it work? We can't tell you that, but we will tell you it also works on those pesky novels that you have to plow through for the Book Club. What are you waiting for? As a librarian, you owe it to your patrons to purchase this fine product. Comes with goggles and cool lab coat.

Item #003-The Classics Deborer-$1000 each

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Sweet Smell of Library Science

Is your library plagued by patrons with B.O. that would knock a buzzard off a bookcart? Does the smell make the marble statue in the lobby cry? Solve that smelly problem today with Mary N's Book-Shaped Air Freshener! Concealed in this lovely two volume set is an strong berry-scented air freshener that will make your library smell fantastic all the time. Designed by the eminent library scientist Mary N., this product emits a germ killing, long-lasting mist that your patrons will never notice. And don't worry about patrons disturbing them, either. We've labeled them with titles so boring and covers so ratty even the most avid reader won't ever touch them.

A Gouger exclusive, the Book-Shaped Air Freshener
is a discreet and thoughtful way to avoid confronting the hygenically-challenged.

Item # 002 Mary N.'s Book-Shaped Air Freshener $25 each

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Welcome To Gouger Library Supplies

A hearty welcome to librarians everywhere! We here at Gouger have the products librarians really need and want. Our quality items have been designed by real librarians just like you. Our introductory product is one that librarians everywhere have been clamoring for.

Behold Gouger's wonderful CELL PHONE DETONATOR!!!

Sick of endless dirty looks when you ask patrons not to use their cell phones in the library? Just place the easy to install CPD anywhere (hardware and batteries included). Then simply aim and push the button. A loud but harmless explosion will disable any make of cell phone. Hours of hilarious fun guaranteed. At only $350 each, the Cell Phone Detonator is a tool no librarian will want to be without.

Item #001 Cell Phone Detonator $350 each