Monday, February 25, 2008

No Taxation Information Without Compensation!

Tax time. The mere mention of this loathsome season is enough to make most librarians scream in gut-wrenching torment. That librarians put themselves through this nightmare year after year speaks of their amazing goodness and/or extreme wimpiness. If there was a humongous tax break awarded for being the unwilling front-line troops of the IRS it might be worth it. But there ain't and it isn't.

Keep the public informed of the library's taxation information limitations with Gouger's newest Non-Lame Library T-Shirt. This trendy garment boldly declares "MLS Not IRS : No Tax Advice". This all-wadmol shirt absolves you of any tax knowledge beyond where the damn things are located in the building. And even that's pushing it. Buy a dozen of these fine shirts- you're going to need one for every day of the week until April 16th.

Please specify size : X-Small, X-Medium, Consortium

Item #161-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$14.95

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

It Rhymes With Frog

Long or strange words got you down? Haunted by dreadful feelings of etyomological kakorrhaphiophobia? Gouger's award-winning Reference Reprint Series has just published the resource to end the Big Word Blues.

Any Reference Bibliothecary will love the thoroughgoing Lake Webster's Dictionary. Originally written in 1892 and published by the renowned reference firm of Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg & Offspring, this treasure trove of lengthy and odd words is a bibliobibuli's delight. Lake Webster's Dictionary is an exhaustive calepin of rocambolesque words, all clearly defined and easy to locate.

Librarians everywhere will maffick the re-release of this classic title. For generations Lake Webster's Dictionary has aided Lexiphanic Librarians locate lost language. Invest in a copy of and have fantastic words like blennophobia at your dactylions. Why use short and understandable words? That's for dodipolls. You're a Librarian. So sound like one. Take a trip to Lake Webster and dive into all the hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian delights it has to offer.

Item #160-Lake Webster's Dictionary-$35.00

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Never Gonna Let You Go

Today's librarian strives to provide the technology their public craves. Unfortunately, thanks to the typical library budget, today's library is a treasure trove of yesterday's technology. It's a safe bet that your library is the proud possessor of many an outmoded antique. That's a shame. Those old gadgets were wonderful. Gouger knows how librarians can't bear or afford to part with anything even remotely useful. And with such a dim economic future, it makes sense to be frugal.

Are your beloved contraptions lying idle because of a missing part or two? Gouger is the source for all your antiquated library supplies. Here's just a sampling of what our Outmoded Offal Objects catalog has to offer:
  • Gramophones & Needles (metal and bamboo!)
  • Overhead Projectors & Transparencies
  • Stereoscopes & Stereoviews
  • Magic Lanterns, Bulbs, and Slides
  • Radio Tubes
  • Mimeograph Parts & Huffing Ink
  • Microfilm Reels & Commonly Broken in Anger Parts
  • DuMont Televisions & Tubes
  • 8 Track Players & Tapes
  • 16mm Projector Bits & Pieces
Admit it. There's at least one of these amazing and still serviceable anacronisms lurking in your library. With Gouger's help you can fix 'em up, dust 'em off, and put 'em back in service. It's the Librarian Way. Send for our amazing catalog today.

Item #159-Outmoded Offal Catalog-Free upon request

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Work Shy, Don't Bother Me

When our last DVD for librarians was such a huge hit, we here at Gouger reached the responsible corporate decision to milk as much money as humanly possible out of this lucritive fluke. While all of our products are marvels of humorous ingenuity, not all of them are embraced by the library community with such enthusiasm. Plus, we always want to make a quick buck.

In that same spirit, Gouger is pleased to unveil our newest AV offering to entertain the library professional. We've created a riveting reality show that pits the nation's most notorious work-shy patrons and library layabouts against each other to see who will win the title of American Idle. Librarians everywhere will watch until the bitter end to see which loafer will reign supreme. Watch in familiar facsination as each lazybones spends all day hanging about a library. How do they get by without working? Do they live off their mothers? Don't they get bored? They never seem to read anything. Watch and wonder at all this and more in this non-action packed, ultra slow-placed drama.

Librarians around the world are sure to be mesmerized by this ridiculous show. Spoiler : Yes, of course they all live off their mothers. But you knew that.

Item #158-American Idle DVD-$19.95

Thursday, February 07, 2008

It's Gyropatron!

Nothing can scare you. You work the Circulation Desk. Your workday consists of lending and taking back library stuff and being lied to by loutish citizens. Their taxes pay your salary, you know. This quirky avenue of patron reasoning apparently justifies treating those who serve the public like shit. This is the nature of any job involving waiting on others. Nature of the beast, literally.

Gouger can't change the beast, but we can help you score those immoral victories that save worker sanity. A little humor is the best medicine for a healthy Circulation system. Purchase a few of our Schadenfreude Scatter 'Em Rugs to place in front of the Circ Desk. These stylish accent rugs compliment any library decor. Each rug has the patented Patron Pirouette mechanism installed. Simply push the discreet button and the SSR will spin like mad. It will be giggles galore when Mr. B.A. Stard suddenly breaks into a spirited, if unwilling, rendition of "The Twist". The staff will love it. That's a Gouger Guarantee.

Some people think the whole world revolves around them. Who are you to argue?

Item #157-Schadenfreude Scatter 'Em Rugs-$24.95 per pair

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Collection Development Made Easy

It's that time of the month again. No, not that. But something nearly as annoying. It's time for media selection! Just the thought of plowing through a whole magazine's worth of plot summaries is enough to make a strong librarian weep. These endless snippets reveal a world of novels so asinine they give the words "waste of time" a whole new meaning.

There used to be no way around this odious task. The people want fiction and you've got to supply it. Gouger has heard your pitiful screams of agony. Prepare for free time galore once you subscribe to our new book review magazine Bookgist! Edited by that eminent librarian Timmy Noggy, this stupendous serial dispenses with plot descriptions altogether. Every month Bookgist delivers only what you need to know to make purchasing choices. Here's what's in a typical listing:
  • Author
  • Title
  • Price
  • ISBN
What makes Bookgist so special is Gouger's exclusive Buy It/Screw It Feature. These are the quick and dirty reasons whether or not you need to buy. Collection development was never so straightforward as this:
  • BUY IT - crappy author, high demand
  • SCREW IT - work of great cultural importance that no one will read
  • BUY IT - stinkin' Oprah!
  • SCREW IT- $35 bucks for a novel!?! Please.
  • BUY IT - being made into a movie
  • SCREW IT - debut author, why risk it?
  • BUY IT - part of a mystery/SF series
  • SCREW IT - start of a mystery/SF series
Beautiful. Bookgist. This periodical is definitely a BUY IT. Order now. Operators want to chat.

Item #156-Bookgist Magazine (ISSN 7734-666X)-$57.95 per year

Monday, February 04, 2008

Liar, Liar! Pants Engulfed in Flames!

Patrons often ask "Where are the Test Books?". That's a damn good question, because they sure aren't anywhere in the library. Taking deposits is more trouble than it's worth. Making them reference renders them useless. If you are tired of all the GEDs and ASVABs going AWOL, Gouger has just the product your library needs.

Invest in a Pants Afire Test Book Polygraph. This phenomenal machine makes Test Book circulation risk-free. The PATBP is ready to use straight out of the box. And it's so easy to operate. Just attach the electrode to the borrower's finger and ask if they intend to return the book on time. Or ever. The results are simple to interpret-no complicated graph paper or vague charts. Your staff will know within seconds if you are dealing with a LSAT LIAR or a PSAT prevaricator.

Never set another test book to missing because of some theiving weasel. Gouger can not be held responsible for any other questions posed to patrons out of staff curiosity, as interesting as those questions may be. Not that we're suggesting anything, but keep us in the loop.

Item #155-Pants Afire Test Book Polygraph-$275