Saturday, July 26, 2008

Jaws of Life

Overdue books are a constant headache. Especially the popular ones. The patrons waiting to read these hot titles are cheesed off. And so they should be. There's no excuse for such a disregard of common courtesy. Plus, the library wastes precious time and money chasing down late books. Sure, some fine money might come in someday. But it rarely covers the expense and bother.

Delinquent books are their own punishment when you use Gouger's BookFair BookJaws. Affix a BookJaw to the spine of a book during processing. Each easy-to-attach device can be set for a specific borrowing period. BookJaws are automatically activated when the book is checked out. When the book becomes overdue, look out! BookJaws snap that book closed. No matter what method an angry reader might try, BookJaw books can not be reopened until they are returned to the library. The BookFair system instantly and easily resets every book at Checkin. Why, it's so simple a tutor could do it!

Now that's fair. BookFair. Only from Gouger. Gouging Librarians for almost a fifth of a decade.

Item #197-BookFair BookJaw System-$100 per 10,000

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Buy Some Nice Plants for the Library

Is your Friends of the Library group ineffective? Are the meetings more gossip and coffee than fundraising and promotion? Is everyone too busy bickering to actually do anything? In other words do your Friends suck? If your library is saddled with a lame, quarrelsome, or brimborion booster bunch, you must try out Gouger's latest innovation.

Inject some life into those paper tiger pals with our False Friends of the Library. We'll send you a dozen bright, attractive, and enthusiastic shills to rev up your people. These quality fakes will encourage your gang to new heights of fundraising, donating, and helpfulness. We guarantee their exuberant example will make a huge difference. False Friends can also attract new members with their winning ways and their fetching good looks. Naturally flirty and friendly, they're like catnip to patrons of all genders. Tell them your agenda and watch them work behind the scenes to make it happen.

False Friends of the Library will pay for themselves many times over. That's a Gouger guarantee. Order early for best selection; colors/ sizes may vary.

Item #196-False Friends of the Library-$1300 per dozen

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Lobe the Library

Reap the benefits of multitasking with Gouger's clever new product. Storage and shelf space is a precious commodity at any library. Our new Nose Ring Binders store documents neatly and efficiently by attaching them to the many piercings of the library's adolescent workers. Each well-cushioned binder clips comfortably into any properly punctured body part. Teens won't even notice these handsome featherweight document holders. In fact, they're becoming a fashion statement among well-read young rebels everywhere!

Nose Ring Binders use the industry standard 3-hole configuration and hold up to 150 pages. Please specify color desired. Order 50 or more and we'll add your logo or message free! It's the satisfactory olfactory way to keep important papers right under someone else's nose.

Item #195-Nose Ring Binders-$4.95 each

Friday, July 04, 2008

Truck You!

Just because the cataloging department is always located in the library dungeon people think that catalogers must be willing to put up with anything. How many times have you gone looking for a book you've been working on only to find it gone? Vanished right off your desk. This mystery occurs multiple times a week.

Folks wandering through your work area can't resist all those lovely new titles. Turn your back for a minute and the director walks off with a bestseller. A trustee "just wanted to look" at what's new in history. A stack of picture books disappeared with the children's librarian. They were going to put it back. Geez, you're such a crab.

Keep those pilfering weasels out of your hair with the Load & Lock Book Truck. These heavyweight book trucks have a locking steel bar across each shelf to keep your work where you can work on it. Control access with Gouger's exclusive Keyless fingerprint recognition lock. That's right. This biometric system only allows approved dactylograms access to the goodies.

It's so easy to set up and use. The tool-proof steel bars will never harm your books. Keep materials where you want 'em and never waste time searching vanishing volumes again. Go to lunch or wherever without worry. Call now. Operators are sitting by.

Item #194-Load & Lock Book Truck-$150 (specify flat, electrified, or slanted shelves)