Libraries often have to deal with unpleasant or angry patrons. Sometimes their wrath is justified. Usually they are just being jerks. It would give the staff immense pleasure to put these horrid bullies in their place. Sadly, this is not an option for the modern information professional.
Since you can't stick up for yourselves, consider purchasing Gouger's new library advocate. Gill the Patron Shill will sit quietly reading until needed. Gill is a very large man who has no problem saying the things you wish you could say. He can get right in the face of your most obnoxious users and give them a satisfying taste of their own medicine.
Gill comes complete with a bag of Gouger's patented Dimes of Shame. When old Mrs. Proctalgia starts screeching about her 30 cent overdue fine, Gill will saunter over to assist your staff. "Here's 50 cents Lady", he will helpfully bellow, "now shut the hell up. People are trying to read, you cheap old cow."
Your paraprofessionals will simply love Gill the Patron Shill. Just make sure to feed him well and remember that he has first dibs on the annual Swimsuit Issue. Stack the stacks in your favor today with Good Ol' Gill.
Item #056-Gill the Patron Shill-$495 each
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