Brrrrrrrrrrrrrring 'Em Back, Dead or Alive!

Some patrons never seem to get the message. You can call them, email them, even send them a letter. But they never bring their books back on time. Or ever. In fact, they act like you're the problem. It's just a library book, after all.

Gouger shares your righteous anger. So much so that our Library Scientists have developed an exciting new accessory for our Library GPS System (Item #011). Tocsin's Claxon Chips are tiny little noisemakers that pack a powerful punch . Working in conjunction with the system's Pinpointatron Tracking Software Claxon Chips begin to make noise when an item becomes seriously overdue. The more overdue, the louder they become. And they don't stop until the material is returned.

Just attach a Claxon Chip while processing each item and the Pinpointatron does the rest. To stop the noise from coming in the library, we include a number of deactivators. Simply adhere them at every entrance and bookdrop.

Gouger promise patron promptness will progress positively. Tocsin's Claxon Chips. Negative reinforcement at its best. Order today.

Item #048-Toscin's Claxon Chips-$49.95 per 25,000

The Envelope Please! Gouger Wins Again!

As a professional, a librarian needs to keep up with advances in Interlibrary Loan technology. To fall behind other institutions is just plain embarrassing. So be the first in your ad hoc roundtable committee to use Gouger's time-saving Osteocolla All-Tape ILL Envelopes.

Don't waste time taping and retaping the industry standard scuzzy old envelopes. Chuck them out with a clear conscience and start anew. Achieve that crappy yet thrifty look immediately without all the bother. Gouger's envelopes are constructed of 22 different types of amazingly sticky tape. We guarantee they will never wear out. Your recipient will appreciate your dedication to protecting library materials. Especially when they attempt to open an Osteocolla envelope. And the Osteocolla's powerful adhesives mean staples stay put. You can make lots of staples stay put.

Osteocolla All-Tape ILL Envelopes are the wave of the future. Show those other libraries what you're made of. You're made of TAPE!

Item #047-Osteocolla All-Tape ILL Envelopes-$9.95 per 100

Perpetually Poor Paraprofessionals and Pages Pullover

Paraprofessionals never get the credit they deserve. In fact, they rarely can get credit of any kind with their salaries. Gouger loves paraprofessionals. So much so that we've added a new item to our Non-Lame T-Shirt line especially for them.

Show the world you're proud of your paraprofession with this fine cottonish T-Shirt. Our shirt proclaims to all - "Paraprofessional : All of the Bullshit-None of the Bucks". Comes in see-through white only. We suggest you enhance the look with a risque black bra. Gouger guarantees you'll be the talk of the library. Especially if you're a man.

Please specify size - X-Small, X-Medium-Bookmoblile

Item #046-Non-Lame Paraprofessional T-Shirt-$5.95

How Do You Find a Word in the Dictionary When You Don't Know How to Spell It?

Wise asses through the ages have annoyed librarians with this tricky question. Always the industry leader, Gouger is quite orgillous to present our newest Reference Reprint. Maintain your professionalism by leading the patron to Shardborn's Concordance to the Dictionary. This merdurinous volume lists every word in the dictionary with the corresponding page number. Never again will patrons be troubled by finding a word and it's spelling. Never again will they bother you with this witty question.

Please specify dictionary title when ordering to get the proper edition of Shardborn's.

Item #045-Shardborn's Concordance to the Dictionary-$59.95 (OED $5.00 extra)

Gouger Pens Make Librarians Use Cursive!

Librarians are busy people. Gouger's mission is to provide products to save our customers valuable time. When you place your next order be sure to include a box of our pre-dried Felt-Jipped Markers.

Why waste time waiting for those other library supplier's markers to dry out? End the suspense and buy them the way they end up anyway. Waste no more precious professional time trying to discover which staff member left the pen caps off again. As an added bonus, Felt-Jipped Markers are just desserts for pen-pinching patrons.

Felt-Jipped Markers come in an assortment of colors. Caps shown are for ornamental purposes only.

Item #044-Felt-Jipped Markers-$5.95 per dozen

Extremely Essential Enchirdion

Most libraries have a staff handbook to introduce new employees to rules and procedure. But is that really enough? We here at Gouger think NOT. Your innocent new hire needs to know the real deal. As a responsible employer you must purchase our Fiends of the Library manual-making software.

This essential software creates a guidebook to your library's known weirdos, creeps, cranks, and jerks. Other staff won't have to whisper warnings that could be overheard. In a nutshell, Fiends can save the administration a lot of headaches. And calls from the mayor.

The program allows for easy input of names, pictures, behavior, and amusing anecdotes for each loony. The pull-down menus make data entry easy and quick. Once you're done, printing and collating is a breeze. Compatible with Mac, Windows, and TRS-80.

Item #043-Fiends of the Library Software-$24.95

Build Your Reputation the Gouger Way

Every librarian wants professional recognition. But that can be difficult in a field full of dedicated do-gooders and altruistic know-it-alls. If you can't manage to stand out, your building sure can!

Set your professional sights on a spot in the annual Hideous Architecture Issue of that journal about libraries. Gouger can assure you the fame you deserve with our Throttlebottom Building Plans. Our Library Design Team has examined the past winners for inspiration. We can help you build the most god-awful monstrosity that ever housed a bookcase. Because that's what it takes to win.

Send away today for the plans that will plan your future. Remember, there's no such thing as bad library publicity. Gouger can almost see you on that journal cover.

Item #042-Throttlebottom Building Plans-$49.95 each