Beware the Wrath of the Grapes!

Part of being a librarian is figuring out what books patrons really want. This can be difficult, as patron often mangle titles. Librarians are a kind lot and don't want people to feel foolish when they discover the book's correct name.

Gouger applauds this sense of professionalism. Therefore, we are proud to present our Close Classics Core Collection. These fine volumes contain the same text as the "real" work, but the titles have been adapted to match what patrons actually call the book.

Each volume is bound in handsome "Paperhide" and made to last awhile. Order a set today and never embarrass a patron again. Quantity discounts are available, please inquire.

Item #031-Close Classics Core Collection-$14.95 each
#031a-How to Kill a Mockingbird
#031b-Tequila Mockingbird
#o31c-The Lion, the Witch, and the Werewolf
#031d-A Raisin on the Sun
#031e-Jane Eerie
#031f-The Poisonwith Bible
#031g-The Merchant of Seville
#031h-To Have or Not to Have

Let a Vocation Be a Vacation

Librarians as a rule hate censorship. However, free Internet has spawned an ugly breed of patron. Most librarians are all to aware of the Porno Guys. These shameless creeps spend every day hogging computers and drooling over smut. They don't care who gets a free look, either. In fact, that seems to be part of the fun.

We here at Gouger understand this sensitive subject. We also wonder how these losers get by. Honestly, they never seem to work. Solve your problems with Gouger's innovative Pervert Redirecting Software. The PRS program is superior to any mere filter. Whenever Mr. Lowlife tries to view a site of unmentionable filth, the PRS simply reroutes him to an employment web page. Time after time, site after sleazy site.

Pervert Redirecting Software is PC and Mac compatible and simple to install. Each program is licenced for unlimited use within a library system.

Item #030-Pervert Redirecting Software-$79.99

Taxes? Step Right This Way, Sir

It's bad enough that librarians have to pay taxes. Librarians everywhere have come to dread Tax Form Time. Angry patrons blame you for their tax troubles. Parades of people stomp up to the staff bellowing "DO YOU HAVE ANY TAX FORMS?". This is despite multiple signs showing the way.

Let's face it. Those signs aren't enough. Like most library signs, they might as well be invisible. Gouger has the solution to end your library's Tax Form Torment. Our tremendously clever Tax Form Exit Sign will make your day. Install this huge twirling neon sign above a back exit and switch it on. "TAX FORMS HERE" it reads as the multi-color script blinks and a colossal arrow points the way. The way out.

And they won't come back in. Our Library Scientists have created a special hypnotic blinking sequence. It mesmerizes patrons into a state of temporary amnesia so there are no angry returns.

The Tax Form Exit Sign takes about five minutes to install and comes with all necessary hardware. Works on all state and federal forms.

Item #029-Tax Form Exit Sign-$49.95

I'd Like To Buy a Vowel Please

Gouger knows that reference books can be prohibitively expensive. In an effort to help libraries stretch precious funds the newest in our series of Reference Reprints is an amazing bargain. We are the proud importers of that famous zoology resource, Grzmkx Wldlf Ncyclpd. We've removed all the vowels and passed the savings on to you!

This 20 volume set contains lots of pictures and many essays that contain "fact-like" statements. Published in the impoverished Asian nation of Gnrfstn, these books will be an addition to any reference collection. There are lengthy articles on many animals, such as the Sbrn tgr and bnnyrbbt. Children will find the overviews on ppps and ktts pediculous for reports.

Bound in luxurious hmn flsh, this set is guaranteed to be a pc f sht.

Item #028-Grzmkx Wldlf Ncyclpd-$34.95

Hey, Where'd Everybody Go?

Volunteers can be wonderful people. A good one is a godsend. They can also be a tremendous rectalgia. Well-meaning people think helping out at the library means reading books to adorable tots and chatting about Sandra Brown. When they find out it can mean unpacking 50 grimy cartons of ILLs or wiping barf off all the dinosaur picture books, their community spirit flies right out the reading room window. And this is after you've spent 40+ hours training them.

Never make that miscalculation again! Get yourself a Gouger Volunteer-A-Valuator. Place this handsome scientific-looking gizmo on your desk and switch it on. While you interview your potential helper the VaV scans them for both ability and reliability. This device will raise no suspicion, as it looks like a quaint antique desk toy. Once your volunteer has left, merely remove the report sheet. The VaV will let you know instantly if you've got a dedicated assest or a dawdling ass.

Each Volunteer-A-Valuator comes with instructions and a large supply of report sheets. It's accurate, easy to use, and comes with a 25 year guarantee. Save yourself some headaches today!

Item #027-Volunteer-A-Valuator-$350
Item #027a-VaV Report Sheets-$20 per 100

Be a Diplomat for the Library

Everyone has their day ruined when some thoughtless bastard rips pages out of a library book. The patron is disappointed. You and your staff are pissed. Even if you can insert pages from another copy, the book is never really the same.

Gouger is here with another product that will quickly pay for itself. Write up a purchase order today for our Brawny Book Dipping Depot. Simply attach the Depot's flexible in/out piping to any sink or spigot. Next, add a squirt of Gouger's concentrated Brawny Book Dip. Then put in as many books as the soaking tub will hold and press the "GO" button. After five minutes the Brawny Buzzer will sound and you're done.

Brawny Book Dip dries immediately on hitting the air and its page-strengthening formula leaves books totally indestructible. No more ripped reference books. Art plates will be intact and not framed on some lowlife's wall. Mr. Vandal will tear all the muscles in his arm apart before he can hurt a BBDD-treated book.

The Brawny Book Dipping Depot includes complete instructions and 10 gallons of Dip. (enough for approximately 250,000 volumes) The machine is lightweight and collapses for easy storage.

Item #026-The Brawny Book Dipping Depot-$1999
Item #026a-Brawny Book Dip-$19.99 per 10 gallons

Isn't That Elizabeth Taylor Next to the Photocopier?

Your library has long prided itself on being just a little bit better than the rest. It's time to let the world know you run an institution of distinction. Little tiny pencils are acceptable for ordinary libraries, but not yours. The next time your patrons reach for something to jot down a call number, let them find a Gouger writing implement next to the monogrammed scrap paper.

Specifically, a Gouger Classy Little Pen. Diminutive writing tools have long been the standard for patron note taking. But tiny pencils are so common. Keep the tiny writing tradition alive but dazzle your public with unexpected luxury.

Each Classy Little Pen is crafted from some kind of shiny plastic material that looks quite elegant. As an added bonus, Gouger will imprint your library's name in GOLD on each pen at no extra cost. Since we sell the Classy Little Pen at the same price our competitors charge for their mini pencils, there's no reason not to make the switch.

Classy Little Pens come in an assortment of tasteful colors . Be sure to include your message (up to 5 letters) Pen shown actual size.

Item #025-Classy Little Pens-$5.95 per gross