Forewarned is Foregone

Library Science is fraught with unspeakable danger. There are certain words and phrases that will send chills down every librarian's spine. Whenever these dreadful nouns and verbs are used in a library it can never be a good situation. The human body's natural response to danger is fight or flight. Sadly, by the time these words are uttered your body is already trapped. You are snared. Cornered. Totally and utterly screwed. If only there were some kind warning that would allow you to flee to safety.

Gouger Library Supplies has just the device to enhance your body's natural defenses. Our Logomisia Pocket Alarm will give you plenty of warning and let you Fight with Flight. This high tech instrument has thousands of tiny sensors that will pick up all of Librarianship's Forbidden Words of Doom. There's also plenty of memory, so you can add up to 100 locally perilous words and phrases. Here's just a sampling of the horrific pre-loaded lexicon:

• Genealogy
• Local Author
• Tutor
• Microfilm
• Gifted Child
• Professional Literature
• Tax Form
• New Format

The tiny 1 oz. LPA detects these and many other danger words way in advance. When it buzzes just make yourself scarce. Nothing could be easier. Like nature itself. Shown actual size.

Item #212-Logomisia Pocket Alarm-$12.95

Sedimental Journey

Gouger Library Supplies has always been especially proud of our Reference Reprint line. This fine series of books provides so much value for so little cost many of our competitors have given up and started selling those seeds that are advertised on the back of comic books. These books are that good.

We've gone far out on a ledge with our newest offering. For too long there has been a need for a comprehensive and up-to-date resource on this topic. You'll never be left hanging with our 6 volume set of Noted Cliffs. This compendious work has over 250,000 entries on anything and everything to do with Cliffs. Here's just a tiny sampling of the precipice-related topics covered:

• The White Cliffs of Dover
• Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards
• Clifton, NJ
  
• Clifford the Big Red Dog
• Cliff Richard
• Newport Cliff Walk
• Cliff Robertson
• Galloping Cliff Gallup

No need to subscribe to one of those expensive cliff databases. If it's a Cliff and it's been Noted, Gouger guarantees it will be included in this reference work. Well illustrated and bound in handsome Corinthian leather, this is one cliff that won't leave your library hanging.

Item #211-Noted Cliffs-$24.95

One Fine Day

Many library workers are tired of living a lie. These troubled people have written to us at Gouger Library Supplies to unburden themselves. We listen to your needs. We care. Then we exploit.

All day, every day, circulation workers perpetuate a cycle of deceit and it sickens them. It's known as The Checkout Transaction. Whenever they stamp the due date in a patron's book, both parties know it's a mark of deceit. The borrower isn't going to return the book until they're damn good and ready. Some folks will return the book tomorrow. Other people will never return it. And no amount of calls, notices, or emails is going to make a bit of difference.

If your staff is tired of performing this meaningless charade a couple of thousand times a day, invest in Gouger's newest product. Give in and give up with our swell Due As You Will Date Stamper. These sturdy date stamps will mark your books with more realistic return periods. Each stamp can be set for the following:

• Eventually
• End of the Semester
• Whenever
  
• Amnesty Week
• A Month of Sundays
• Someday, Someway

There's no sense in getting angry. That's not going to get the library's books back one second sooner. Accept the situation and hope for the best. You'll be less stressed and live longer that way. And Gouger will make more money. Order when you get around to it. We'll be here.

Item #210-Due As You Will Date Stamper-$24.95

Buy the Farm

Uh oh. The economy is in the outhouse again. That can only mean bad times ahead for any library. Beleaguered book budgets are bound to take a beating. Don't despair, noble Library Scientists! All is never lost when you have Gouger Library Supplies on your side.

When there's no money in the pantry to buy books, you can grow your own. That's right. Pioneer Librarians on the frontier did it and so can you. The Garden of Readin' contains all the supplies and instructions necessary to cultivate a fine crop of literature. Here's a sampling of what you'll get:

• PostTiller Earth Tiller-strong enough to turn your and anyone else's parking lot into acres of arable farmland
• Gouger High-Yield Book Seeds-we create a custom mixture of genres, formats, and age levels to meet your collection development needs
  
• Committee Meeting Brand Fertilizer-Gouger has collected the manure output from a year's worth of professional gatherings. An inexhaustible supply of high-grade crap for your crop!
• Library Hoes-for weeding, you pervert
• AACR H2O-an irrigation system that defies classification

With a little care and some physical labor that the shelvers can be made to do, your library will be assured a bountiful harvest of books. The national financial situation is unlikely to improve any time soon, so order now to be ready for Spring planting.

Item #209-Garden of Readin'-$499

Let Inflation Work For You

Librarians are sometimes the object of unwanted romantic attention from their patrons. It's not that these lovelorn folks are necessarily acting inappropriately, you're just not interested in a relationship with them. (Inappropriate creepy behavior is, of course, always quite possible) The Naughty Librarian is a popular fantasy figure for many and this mortifying situation will eventually occur at every library.

At best the situation is awkward and embarrassing. In the worst case scenario, you end up hiding in the back room for the rest of the day, writing up an incident report, and having your coworkers walk you to your car every night for a month. With this ghastly predicament in mind, Gouger asks the question---

What Do You Get When You Cross a Librarian With an Inflatable Sex Doll? Why, you get Gouger's solution to Unrequited Librarian Crush. When an infatuated patron realizes that their affections won't be returned, things can get ugly fast. You need to distract them and you need to do it now. Gouger is fairly ashamed to introduce the world's only blow-up lovebrarian, the F**king Know-It-All.

This life-like bookworm is just dying to meet your branch's Romeos and Juliets and run off into the sunset with them. Dressed as a prim and proper professional, each doll can't wait to go wild. All they need is the right person to unleash their hidden desires. (and the included battery pack) Leave the FKIA where your admirer is sure to find it. It will be love/lust at first sight. That's Gouger Guarantee. Please specify: Male/Female/Committee Assortment.

Item #208-The F**king Know It All-$199.95 each (expensive, but worth every penny)

Fill in the Blankety-Blank Form

You're a busy bibliothecary. Running a library involves a million little details, each one of them important and demanding of your immediate attention. Let Gouger Library Supplies take at least one of those worrisome projects off your sagging shoulders. We're talking censorship, library lads and lasses.

You've been meaning to create a materials complaint form. Honest you have. But the book truck lost a wheel and Timmy the shelver has rabies and that lady with the moustache has made a hat out of the Wall Street Journal again and three of your circulation people ran away with the circus and... you never did get the chance to get to it.

Why reinvent the wheel? Gouger's done all the dirty work for you and created a superb all-purpose Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form. All you have to do is buy it, stuff it in a drawer somewhere, and hope you never have to use it. But it's almost inevitable that something in your collection will be challenged someday. Not to worry. You'll have this official-looking form ready and waiting for your local Comstock. Just whip it out. Here's what you get:

Your Library Name Here

Materials Reconsideration Request

This (book, film, compact disc, employee) should be (removed forever, burned, hidden from all humanity, restricted to children) because it contains (smut, cursing, religious views other than my own, uncomfortable truths, uncomfortable lies, witchcraft in the guise of a harmless children's story, a predictable plot and poor character development, biases that are not my own, historical accuracies, it's just plain filth).

I believe I can choose what others can read because I am (a religious busybody, a secular busybody, a librarian, perfect in every way, spoiling for a fight). If the library does not deal with this material in a manner according to my wishes I will (call the mayor, call my pastor, call the newspaper, be the first member of the public to ever attend a library board meeting, call the mayor again, call no one but self righteously lecture the library director for at least 30 minutes).

I (have, have not) read or viewed the material I am (grousing, grandstanding, bellowing, sermonizing, earnestly trying to establish a dialogue) about.

Name:

Phone Number:

Alleged Friend in City Government:

Our boilerplate is easy to read and simple to complete. Buy a box of of these forms and be a prepared professional person. We'll even put your library's logo on at no extra charge.

Item #207-Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form-$9.95 per 100

Librarians in the Mist

There's always a mountain of books waiting to be checked in every day. You can't spare a single worker to the illnesses brought on by putrid-smelling books. You know the type we mean. When the book is opened for checkin a stench wafts out that makes everyone in the library buckle at the knees. These books smell as though the patron spent the entire borrowing period blowing smoke directly into the pages. Or dropped the book into the pot while cooking a rotting cabbage with onions and garlic. Or used the pages to wipe their underarms after a day's work at the slaughterhouse.

Often these books must be discarded or at the very least aired out for several decades. Confronting a whiffy patron is a horribly embarrassing and useless experience that will only end in heartache. So the library loses money and the patrons lose access to another title. Until now.

The team at Gouger Labs under the able direction of Dr. Jason has developed a book-refreshing spray that will make even the most malodorous volume smell sweeter than a field of fresh-picked donuts. The next time you get a literal literary stinker give it a few spritzes of our Library of Pongress Book Renewer. LOP neutralizes even the strongest foul aromas immediately on contact. It's splendiferous!

Order right now. Quantity discounts are available. Please specify scent : Warm Cookies, New Box of Crayons, Fresh Cut Grass, Root Beer, or Play-Dough.

Item #206-Library of Pongress Book Renewer-$19.95 per doz.