Here Lies a Story

A paperless society has been predicted for many years. Librarians, however, have embraced and flourished with new technologies. Which makes it all the more annoying when some dipstick remarks, "I'm surprised we still have libraries. Everything is on the computer nowadays." Jackass.

There's no sense arguing with this line of reasoning. People who say stuff like this have no idea what librarianship entails. If anything, the Internet has made libraries busier. But try explaining that to Mr. Smug who is pleasantly anticipating your civil service, know-it-all behind being in the Unemployment Office very soon.

Such faulty reasoning deserves Gouger Brand assistance. As a public service, Gouger is proud to be the sponsor of the Canard Cove Free Library's "Facts in the Stacks" blog. This is the website to use when you want to show patrons just how the reliable the Internet can be. That's because every fact on this pioneering website is totally and completely made up. Yes, utter lies and shameless fibs. Bunk and baloney.

Sure, everything is on the Internet. Especially nonsense. Link to Facts in the Stacks and help spread the false word. It's a crock of fun.

Public Pressure Prevents Pillaging

Every library loses an alarming percentage of their holdings through intentional malefaction. Whether it's vandalism, abuse, or simply never returning a borrowed item the costs are staggering. Let the public share in your righteous outrage. Let them see just how much their library loses through the acts of greedy creeps and cloddish morons. Let them see the figures in cold hard cash.

Try out Gouger's new Thoughtless Bastard Monitoring Meter. You''ll get all the gear necessary to give the public the information they need. Our easy-to-install system ties into your existing collection database and calculates library losses in real time. Patrons will stare in angry indignation as the numbers on the Digital Damage Sign change in front of their eyes. The system can even be configured to name individual bastard patrons if desired or dared. All necessary hardware, software, and underwear included.

Keep patron awareness of library loss livid. Get a Thoughtless Bastard Monitoring Meter and let the world know that ripping libraries off costs everybody. And everybody is pretty friggin' mad. Order immediately.

Item #184-Thoughtless Bastard Monitoring Meter-$495 (please specify size/gender of underwear)

Dinah, You Sure Do Blow!

Attention Children's Librarians! Does your horrid singing voice make you the laughing stock of story hour? Do even the toddlers think you suck? Many otherwise fine librarians royally embarrass themselves at every program. If you dread belting out another off-key rendition of "Old MacDonald", Gouger has got just the remedy for your "B-I-N-G-O" Blues.

Stop hogging the good tambourine to drown out your toilet-toned tremolo. Invest in a Gouger Baa Baa Bad Voice Vocal Enhancer. The BBBVVE looks and works like a regular microphone. In reality, it's an amazing technological breakthrough that transforms your pathetic warbling into sweet, sweet music. Go from flat to fantastic instantly! Don't want a full-sized microphone? Keep your hands free to strum a guitar badly or manipulate scary puppets with the lighweight BBBVVE headset.

Purchase both and receive a free Gouger KidTaztic KidTazer. Spare your ego and spare your patron's ears. Order today, because the Wheels on the Bus will be Comin' Round the Mountain. And they'll be gunning for You.

Item #183-Baa Baa Bad Voice Vocal Enhancer-$99.95 each

Iceberg! Abandon Ship!

When the library's computers all break down at once, panic and confusion are the standard responses from staff and patron alike. Eventually every computer network will crash like the Titanic and leave your library adrift in the angry sea of technology. Sadly, Gouger can't prevent these inevitable computer shipwrecks from happening. But, we have just the product to keep the crew from panicking and abandoning ship.

There is always a mad scramble to make a sign for each and every kaput terminal. This is necessary because if even one PC is signless, patrons will run to it and desperately bang on the keys. Each person will ask if it is working. You will be driven insane. The signs from the last crash can never be found. So you grab some markers, grab some paper, grab some tape. Organized grab-ass.

Be a smart sailor and get yourself Gouger's new Crash in a Box. This treasure chest has exactly the supplies you need to properly cope with widespread computer failure. Namely, 100 high quality laminated Out-of-Order signs in a handy carrying case. No need to flounder about. The lightweight Crash in a Box makes it easy to spread the bad news quickly and easily. Each sign is made of sturdy paperboard and is adorned with your choice of logos. Crash in a Box comes complete with wall-mounting hardware so it's always on hand when you need it. Not buried in the storage locker with all the other signs.

Please specify logo desired - Skull & Crossbones, International Library Symbol, Biohazard Symbol, High Voltage, International Crash Icon (pictured)

Item #182-Crash in a Box-$43.95

From Bad to Verse

A library has poetry books
Never removed from poetry nooks
What is the deal?
Have they no appeal?
They can't all be gobbledygook

Librarians ofttimes debate
Why poetry don't circulate
Some say "Too effete!
Too boring!, Too elite!"
A genre so easy to hate

GLS found these reasons ain't right
Patrons long for verse to recite
Poetry don't suck
It's physically stuck
On shelves that are jammed far too tight

Gouger's got your poetry solution
So simple in it's execution
Buy our Wax Poetic
Apply energetic
Use it straight-needs no dilution

Now that poetry can now be removed
It's popularity shall quickly be proved
Epics to haiku
Bid them adieu
No ode shall remain unmoved

A wonderful balm Wax Poetic
It nurtures the senses aesthetic
Order the 16 oz can
Buff the iambic pentam
Poetry circ- It's no longer pathetic!

Item #181-Wax Poetic-$9.95 per jar

Who's Got the Button? You's Got the Button!

Preparing for the library workday should be calm time to reflect and plan for the tasks ahead. It should involve gathering appropriate materials in anticipation of the day's activities. Also it should involve donuts and a beverage. It does not any of these things.

What it does involve is turning on a great many machines and electrical contraptions. CPUs and their monitors, copiers, scanners, fax machines, coffee pots, cash registers, lights, air conditioners, and printers each have to be turned on. Running about pushing hundreds of buttons and clicking thousands of switches eats up a large chunk of valuable time. And none of these buttons and switches gets you any donuts. It's not efficient. It's not right.

Introducing the solution to your Open-the-Library Blues! Gouger's stupendous Miss Universal Remote Control turns on all of your electronic devices with one simple button. That's right. As soon as you walk in the door, just point and click. Every machine immediately turns on, boots up, or otherwise activates its silly self. It's so easy to use. There's no complicated set-up or elaborate commands to learn. One button. It even turns on the coffee pot. Buy it now and make your morning routine as easy as pie. Or donuts.

Item #180-Miss Universal Remote Control-$24.95