Deduct Tape

Here at Gouger we keep a close watch on competing library vendors. Whatever they do, we do it better, cheaper, and funnier. Other supply firms offer overpriced "book" repair tape. Don't try using any other kind of tape on your books, you crazy librarian! Honestly, who are they trying to kid? It's just freakin' plastic tape!

Forget that overpriced crap. Try a roll of Gouger's I Can't Believe It's Not Colored Duct Tape brand book repair tape. Unless you're trying to reinforce the spine on your spare Gutenberg Bible, our tape is plenty good enough. If you have a book that precious, invest in some proper archival supplies.

We buy our tape in bulk from the finest dollar stores in the country and pass the savings on to you. This strong tape comes in a rainbow of colors :

• Read Red
• Blue with Glue
• Routine Green
• Off the Rack Black
• Bordello Yellow (shown)
  
• Nothing Rhymes with Orange
  

We gave our tape clever names, but it's still humble duct tape. Just like the competition's, but at a quarter of the price. Don't trust those sleazy crooks, shop with Gouger.

Item #089-I Can't Believe It's Not Colored Duct Tape-$10.00 per dozen rolls

C.A.L.M. D.O.W.N.

Librarians love to form groups. This is as it should be. But some librarians go a little overboard when it comes naming a group. They waste hours debating cleverly initialed monikers. Perhaps you have been trapped in a meeting with this librarian. Perhaps you are this librarian. Never fear, Gouger has help on the way.

Break the naming habit with our non-prescription Acronymphomaniac Pills. This powerful sedative helps mellow out even the most dedicated acronym enthusiast. The active ingredient, M.L.Strogen, is well-known for its curative ability. Acronymphomania is a tawdry malady that causes fellow professionals to avoid and ridicule the afflicted. Just slip a handful of these harmless capsules into the coffee pot before any meeting. Problem s.o.l.v.e.d.!

Save precious time and avoid pointless debate. Your working group will be amazed! They'll be sure to will an ad-hoc committee to investigate.

Item #088-Acronymphomaniac Pills-$24.95 per 100

Rdr's Dgst Cndnsnsd Bks Sck

Condensed Books are the illegitimate children of the literary family. Shameless patrons abandon them on your doorstep. Library dumpsters overflow with them. Their proper home has always been the shelves of Landfill Library. Until now.

All that changes with this breakthrough product from Gouger Labs. 4-in-1 Quadrisection Oil will magically produce four complete books from each condensed volume! Simply apply a healthy squirt of oil down the cheap-o spine of a cndnsnd bk. Leave it in a spot with plenty of growing space. Within an hour that former waste of paper will expand and separate into four full-length novels, all set and ready for cataloging. And 4-in-1 strengthens as it works, too! Every book will emerge with a sturdy reinforced binding. And the wonders don't stop there. This fantastic oil eliminates musty book stentch and leaves books smelling springtime fresh. This stuff rocks!

Gouger predicts this product will change the face of library science. So save a tree, empty your dumpster, and order immediately.

Item #087-4-in-1 Quadrisection Oil-$14.95

Mr. Penguin Gets a Job

Summer seems to last forever when you're a kid. The first day of school is a million years away. However, librarians must prepare for the end results of this childhood miscalculation. As school vacation nears its end, young readers and their angry parents will be in clamoring for Summer Reading List Books.

Of course, none of these books has been available since the beginning of summer. Checked out, missing, lost, on hold - all these terms mean Junior is screwed. And Mom is angry. She's steamed at Junior for not mentioning any Required Reading. But she's also pissed at the library. Why doesn't the library have 250 copies of Tequila Mockingbird?

Why explain the situation or engage in a fruitless catalog search when Gouger has come up with a better way? Merely point upward to the colorful Poor Planner Banner. When hung over empty Summer Reading displays, friendly Mr. Penguin lets patrons know they are out of luck.

Made of unnatural fibers, this sturdy sign is made to last for decades. Because kids will never change.

Item #086-Poor Planner Banner-$24.95

Get a Room!

The Internet can be a logistical nightmare for librarians. Some days it's not unlike being the desk clerk at the Hotsheet Motel. In and out. In and out. Is it my turn yet? Do you have a laptop I can use?

End your career as a computer room maitre d' with Gouger's Hostile Hostel Sign. We've adapted this familiar roadside sign to connect directly into your network and provide up-to-the-minute computer availability status. The manual override switch lets staff pranksters control the sign to torment unpopular patrons. Make Mr. Hircine dash for a free terminal. CLICK. Awww too late, you just missed it. Repeat endlessly for hours of fun.

Free your staff from PC piffle and a mirth-free workday. Trust Gouger. You're going to love it.

Item #085-Hostile Hostel Sign-$149

Seedy ROM

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we strive for honesty and foolishness. Now that every library worth its books has a website, the conscientious professional must pause and reflect. Is your library's site realistic? Does it reflect how bizarre a library actually is? Probably not.

Gouger to the rescue! You'll love Matt Oid's Library Clip Art. These full color pictures will give your website the authenticity it needs. Mr. Oid is a well-known library photojournalist whose work has appeared in countless professional journals that no one reads. Pictured above is just a sampling of the useful images on this 2 CD-ROM set (from left to right) :

• What's That Library Smell?
• Crazy Half-Dressed Skank
  
• Talentless Performer Appearing Here Tonight
  
• Chance Encounter of Loud Old Friends
• Creepy Sleaze Who Likes Someone on the Staff
• Oh, God! I Thought He Was Still in Prison
  
• Demented Lady Humping the Floor in Nonfiction For Reasons Known Only to Herself
  

Yes, all these common library themes and thousands more. You can even use these authentic images in other library publications and incident reports . Picture yourself as a beacon of truth with this fine clip art.

Item #084-Matt Oid's Library Clip Art-$19.95

It's the Rabbit with the Habit

To the delight of Children's Librarians everywhere, Gouger is proud to announce the latest title in the critically adored Smatchet Storybook series. Our newest picture book is the bedtime story of a little rabbit who helps his father. Goodnight Moonshine is the gentle tale of Warren Bunny as he guides his Daddy Bunny home to bed. Silly Daddy Bunny has been down at the watering hole in Farmer Brown's garden again. That Daddy Bunny and his carrot juice! Will he ever get into a 12-Hop program?

Toddlers will love Warren's adventures bringing Daddy home through the meadow. And the fur sure does fly when Mommy Bunny hops home early! Young readers will find plenty to enjoy in this colorful tale of bedtime, bunnies and booze.

Item #083-Smatchet Storybook #4-$9.95

Who Can? You Can With This Can!

Reference Librarians! Here's a new product you'll want to be privvy to. Think of the many times nature has beckoned you to the Little Librarian's Room. But to your great dismay, the damned phone won't stop ringing. You hate to take it off the hook, but if you don't you're going to die of the exploding stercorates. And then nobody's going get any answers for a looooong time.

Go to the head of the class with Gouger's exclusive Phone & Throne Zone. Talk about multitasking! The Zone will turn any staff restroom into a reference best room . This compact unit stores under the sink until you need it. Then, just roll it out and hit the ON button. You'll immediately be flush with reference tools.

Each Zone includes the following :

• I-BM Laptop with wireless card and waterproofing
• Cordless telephone headset w/echo reduction
  
• Information Pees Mini-Almanac
• #2 Lead Pencils
  
• American Standard Floating Dictionary
• Phartcart Wheeled Mini-Table

Never miss a reference call of nature again! Order now.

Item #082-Phone & Throne Zone-$495

See Spot. See Spot Drip. Drip Spot Drip

It's raining again. You know what that means, Library Scientist. Time to look upwards. Not for divine inspiration, but to scan the library ceiling for wet patches. The trouble is that it's impossible to tell which stains are new and which have been there since the Flood. Before you rush to drag the ladder out, try out Gouger's newest brainstorm.

The Map of Ceiling Crap charts and tracks your building's hundreds of ceiling spots and stains. Never again waste time checking the hundreds of old splotches. Or worse still, poking your finger through a soaked panel and getting free shower of rainwater and rotted white ceiling debris.

Our map is simple to plot and keep updated. When you've got a fresh fountain, you'll know right away. No more lugging ladders. No more teaching little patrons new curse words. Just break out the tarps and garbage cans and get to work. Or you could call the city and have them rush right over fix the roof. Just kidding. To recap : Don't be a sap. Buy our map.

Item #081-Map of Ceiling Crap-$24.95

You'll Explode With Laughter

Pens disappear from library work stations faster than free pastries in the breakroom. If you leave anything unguarded for a second, some sneaking weasel will swipe it. Even though we here at Gouger love for our customers to buy truckloads of supplies, we must condemn pilfering patrons.

Try some of our comical Petard Pyrotechnic Pens. These harmless novelty writing implements deliver a startling little "pop" to remind sticky-fingered people that it's naughty to steal. Made of our patented Plastique, the P3 will explode if taken too far away from its owner. Each box contains simple instructions and disclaimers.

Toss a box in with your next Gouger order. Comes in black and blue ink.

Item #080-Petard Pyrotechnic Pens-$5.95 per doz.