Put an End to Superfluous Movement

Hey catalogers! Has Gouger got the product for you. We know you like the convenience of the number keypad for inputting ISBN numbers. And we know how annoying it is when the one of those numbers ends in an X.

This leaves you with two choices, both bad.

• Using your other hand. This prevents simultaneous beverage and/or donut consumption.
• Bending your upper body to use the same hand. You may knock over your beverage and/or ruin your donut.

You'll love our innovative X-Exertion Keyboard. We put a big X key right on the number pad. Right where you want it. Compatible with PC, Mac, and Commodore 64.

As we say here at Gouger, it's eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious.

Item #055-X-Exertion Keyboard-$24.95

It's Mr. Blizzard's World!

Getting the parking lot plowed has always been a headache for library administrators. Your facility is probably the town's lowest priority in stormy weather. Lower than the street where the town manager's election opponent lives. Before you get in a fruitless debate with another municipal worker, consider Gouger for your snow removal needs.

We've developed a product that's both convenient and fun. Your staff will show up early and fight over who gets to use the Dewey Decimator Snowblower. This user friendly incendiary device will have your parking lot and sidewalks safe and dry in a flash. Literally.

The DDS is simple to operate. No lighters or messy accelerants. Simply point and squeeze the trigger. This fine device is fueled by a combination of confiscated soda and that smelly book glue that the shelvers like to huff.

Gouger can not be held responsible for any hilarious disasters that may occur through careless use of this product. Our staff would love to see the pictures, though.

Item #054-Dewey Decimator Snowblower-$74.95

Plunging Patron Product Promotes Politeness

Internet access at libraries has become an essential service. Patrons simply love surfing the web. So much so that it has become a problem for many of our customers. People won't give up the computer for anything. Not when someone else is waiting. Not when the library's been closed for 15 minutes. While it's tempting to remove them bodily, lawsuits are a terrible bother.

Gouger is always here for you. Try our Abaddon Computer Chasm for a free 30-day trial. The ACC is so easy to set up. No arduous digging or mechanical ability is necessary. Install the unit under any computer chair and wait for the inevitable stubborn patron. When it's time for Mr. Ignoramus to move on, merely press the remote control and watch the fun. Gouger's extra-springy Scruto Brand Trap Door will plummet your slowpoke down and out of everyone's way. Where do they go? Gouger can't say. But we can say we've never heard of anyone ever coming back. Ladder shown does not extend to within patron's reach and is provided for taunting purposes only.

What are you waiting for? You know you want it.

Item #053-Abaddon Computer Chasm-$999 per unit

A Book For That Aukward Age

The staff here Gouger is pleased that Children's Librarians the world over have embraced our Smatchet brand storybooks. The critical and professional reviews have been surprisingly favorable. We take great pride in announcing the second title in this endearing series.

Smatchet Storybook #2 is a cautionary tale that shows children the dangers of spheniscan drug abuse. It is the story of a good little penguin who makes a bad choice. The story of Mr. Penquin's Poppers is about a silly bird who wishes he could fly. Some bad Jackass Penguins tell Mr. Penguin that Amyl Nitrite will help him flap his wings faster. Foolishly, he "goes along with the flock". Mr. Popper tries to fly, but meets only with failure and arrhythmia . In the end his real friend Admiral Byrd helps him quit cold turkey.

This frank book will open a dialogue between adults and children about the dangers of penguins on pep pills. Young readers will appreciate and learn from this well-told story. Adults will enjoy the pictures of stoned penguins.

Item #052-Smatchet Storybook #2-$14.95

Don't Be Saur at Gouger

As many of you know, Gouger Library Supplies has been at the center of a great deal of controversy recently. We wish to apologize to the nation and specifically to the citizens of the City of Pratt Falls. The library staff there recently purchased our Thesaurus Rex and did not read the instruction book. They say they didn't receive one, but they're a pack of damn liars.

We defend our line of safe saurian products. The Thesaurus Rex (Bibliophagist Synonymicon) is a harmless beast when used correctly. As stated in the easy-to-understand-unless you are-a-careless-idiot booklet, this fine lizard is intended only to provide synonyms and eat vehicles parked illegally in handicapped spaces. Gouger can not be held responsible for the misuse of this wonderful, excellent, superb, fantastic, first-class, outstanding dinosaur.

Gouger is sincerely sorry for the destruction of the Pratt Falls Municipal Building and the resulting panic. We feel the administration of Pratt Falls PL deliberately set the beast upon the City Offices in reaction to recent budget cuts. That's our story and we're sticking with it.

It is our hope that this unfortunate incident will not be held against our company. We look forward to serving the library community for many years. Please direct any inquries on this matter to our attorneys, Solicitorus & Hutzapod.

Item #051-Thesaurus Rex w/Instructions-$1500

Damn Great Books

Patrons and staff alike love the brilliant artwork and fabulous content of "coffee table" sized books. These oversized volumes have a lot of unpleasant drawbacks, however. As any librarian knows.

• They are too damn big
• They are too damn heavy
• They take up too damn much shelving
• They cost too damn much

Always the industry innovator, Gouger is now featuring an exciting new type of book. Get all the art, all the beauty, and none of the problems with our Demitasse Dilettante Undersized Art Books. We can reproduce any elephantine volume. Just send us the ISBN and Gouger does the rest. It's that damn simple. Order today.

Volume shown actual size.

Item #050-Demitasse Dilettante Undersized Art Books-$10 each

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 1040-99!

If your library is like most you now have roughly 5,000 boxes of leftover tax forms. Gouger has developed a marvelous way to dispose of these hated documents. Celebrate Spring with our After-Tax Bonfire Bacchanal in a Box. This ready-made party helps your staff unwind after a taxing winter.

Once the sun sets, your party begins. Clear the parking lot, get the tables out of the meeting room, and pile up the tax forms. Then just open the box.

Gouger includes everything you need to make your staff shindig an affair they might even remember :

• Mockingbird Tequila (1/2 doz. cases)
• Book Club Club Soda (1 doz. bottles)
• Ol' Revenuer Root Beer (1/2 doz. cases)
• Goodbye, Mr. Potato Chips (24 bags)
• Mary Shelley Frankenfurters (1 gross)
• Old Card Catalog Rods for Roasting Franks
  
• WD-1040 Accelerant and Safety Lighter
• Extra Large Gouger Logo Comfy Blanket
• Schedule MP-3 Mini Boom Box

Be sure to save the sturdy plastic shipping box, it makes a dandy ice chest! We ship overnight to assure maximum freshness and flammability. As a special bonus, we've included a life-size replica of Miss Maude Midden, MLS. According to the Gouger Research Team, Maude was the genius who originated tax forms in libraries. Let your staff vent by burning her in effigy.
Loosen up and celebrate! And make sure to invite the volunteers from AARP. Those people are a freakin' godsend.

Item #049-After-Tax Bonfire Bacchanal in a Box-$99.95