She's Real Fine, My 409.09

Shelving books is a drag. Bookcarts are notoriously heavy and unwieldy. You are on your feet for hours-bending, dragging, and stretching. This is why the job gets pawned off on teenagers as frequently as humanly possible. Librarians claim their great professional skills are better used on loftier projects. This is mostly a big whoopsie lie. Shelving is as boring as hell and it can make your back and feet hurt. Mostly it's boring.

Be bored no more, you pretentious prevaricator! Everyone from the director on down will be fighting to shelve after you buy Gouger's fun-filled Speed Reader Book Cart. These fantastic vehicles are a brilliant combination of go-kart and bookcart! With a 20hp rechargable engine and a top speed of 40mph, there's plenty of pep to zoom around putting stuff away. Think of the fun you'll have "bookin" through the library on these zippy carts! Speed Readers carry as many books as a standard bookcart and have snazzy spinner hubcaps to boot. Throw in an awesome custom paint job with your library's logo and you've got the ultimate book moving machine. Bitchin'!

Make shelving fun for a change. All those long library aisles and blind alleys just scream "Librarians, Start Your Engines"! Not that you or your staff would ever dream of racing these book carts in a reckless manner. Especially after hours and with wagering involved. Speed Reader Book Carts are for responsible shelving use only. HeeHeeHee.

Item #171-Speed Reader Book Carts-$495

Saint Augustine Approved!

As a librarian you spend a good part of your work day trying to get people to shut the hell up. It can get very frustrating and you probably mumble little curses under your breath with some regularity. But be honest. When the gossip is good, library staff have been known to gather and chat a bit. Or more than a bit. It's hard to maintain any sort of credibility shushing patrons when your own people are dishing the dirt with such audible gusto.

Scolding your own can lead to all sorts of problems. Why not install a cute Hippo-Critter Multiquence Monitor at each service desk? When chit-chat volume reaches an unacceptable level, this sweet little figurine goes into action. The eyes flash a blinding angry red and he spins around and around. Library staff will know to put a sock in it when Hippo-Critter goes on a rampage. This solar-powered zeekoe is easy to set at any noise level desired.

Order several now. Or wither in well-deserved shame, you noisy faker.

Item #170-Hippo-Critter Multiquence Monitor-$9.95 each

Better Chemistry Through Librarianship

The most dreaded time of all has arrived at your library. The Powers-That-Be have decided to change computer systems. This means endless downtime, extremely unhappy patrons, even unhappier staff, and no real difference in computer efficiency. It's true. Everyone has to struggle to learn a different, yet equally crummy, new system. All new mysterious commands, quirks, and hidden glitches. Reports that are still incorrect and unhelpful, but in a fresh and totally different new way. It would be funny if it wasn't so awful.

Well, Gouger can't make sucky system software swell, but we can help take the sting out of dealing with it. The next time a changeover is in the cards, send for an order of Database Downers. This fantastic assortment of tranquilizers is sure to soothe the harried nerves of any library staff. Gouger's resident chemist Dr. Jason (MLS, Phd, WTF) has selected a wonderful potpourri of powerful calming pharmaceuticals. The computers still won't work right, but we guarantee the staff will maintain a professionally placid attitude throughout the transition period. Database Downers. Get 'em. 'Cause you know you're gonna need 'em.

Item #169-Database Downers-$14.95 per 1000

The Wilder Ones

Smatchet Storybooks continues to bring the finest in children's literature to our valued customers. These Gouger exclusives are sure to become enduring classics. Our newest offering is a recently discovered addition to an already beloved series. Recently unearthed among the papers of a famous and disreputable literary agent, Gouger is pleased to be the first to offer the newest adventures in the saga of the Ingalls family.

Big House on the Prairie : Pa Pinched Poaching chronicles the "lost year" of this frontier family. Charles Ingalls, having failed as a farmer in at least three states, is forced to hunt on private land to feed his growing family of females. Tragedy strikes when he is arrested and sent to the penitentiary. Children will be engrossed by the adventures of Laura and her family as they struggle survive without Pa. While pious Mary is inclined to leave Pa to rot for his sins, Ma and the rest of the girls rise to the occasion in true pioneer spirit. They sew him a patchwork ladder, bake him a hacksaw, and knit him a pistol. After Pa makes good his escape, the family moves to Dakota to try farming themselves to death again. Spoiler : That Nellie Oleson finally gets the ass-kicking she so richly deserves. Heartwarming.

Be sure to pick up multiple copies of this updated classic American children's story. Order now.

Item #168-Smatchet Storybook #7-$14.95

Devious DVD

Hey, Librarians! It's time to indulge your inner book snob. It can be distressing to spend countless hours selecting quality books to build a fine collection only to discover that most of your townsfolk would rather be watching Plan 9 from Battlefield Earth. Or some other stupid-ass movie. If books flew off the shelves like DVDs do most librarians would die from sheer joy. The circulation figures alone would convince the city to fund 7 more branches.

That's a real possibility when you use Gouger's sneaky new Panstora's Box. Each of these sly boxes appear to be a regular DVD case, complete with appropriate graphics. But instead of a shiny disc of Hollywood horseflop, each contains a teensy book. That's right, we said it. A book. That lovely little reason people built libraries in the first place. Sure, your patrons will be mad at first. But after a while, with nothing else to do, they just might give this reading thing a try. Gouger supplies a wide variety of mini books in each case. From trashy novels to history to car repair, Panstora's Boxes showcase what your book collection has to offer.

Start a trend and give it a try. You know you want to. You old highbrow elitist you.

Item #167-Panstora's Box-$9.95 each

You Light Up My Library

Recommending a good book is something librarians like to do. Patrons appreciate the insight from someone with personal knowledge of the best the library has to offer. The usual method is to make up different book lists and display them around the building. But if your library is like most, there are so many pamphlets, posters, handouts, signs, and bookmarks that the chances of a patron finding them are poor.

Let Gouger light the way to the books your patrons will love. Introducing our spiffy Twirly Girl Lighted Bookmarks. Place these lightweight luminous bookmarks in any book, anywhere! Call immediate attention to favored volumes all over the library. Patrons will be drawn to your Recommended Reading like moths to a porch light. Twirly Girls soft spinning light make it so easy for readers to browse for the best.

And that's not all. These quality bookmarks come in a variety of shapes and colors. Summer Reading for the 8th grade? Look for the blue star lights. Romance novels with no sex or swearing? Send Grandma towards the pretty pink heart lights. The possibilities are endless. Set the best your library has to offer all aglow today. Order now. Or soon. C'mon.

Item #166-Twirly Girl Lighted Bookmarks-$9.95 per 50

Satan Loves It When Books Are Harmed

Gouger Library Supplies knows that librarians need to stretch every dollar in their measly budgets. We share your feelings of furious outrage at book vandals and thieves. Our newest product will stem the tide of mangled materials and shredded volumes.

It works on the premise of superstition and guilt. Biblioklepts and their kind will feel a terrifying pang of dreadful foreboding when they spy a Hex Libris Bookplate adorning your library's volumes. These handsomely evil bookplates are made from a unique type of self-adhesing vellum. They're crafted from real sacrificial lambskin! Each bookplate is decorated with a wickedly adorable devil's head (pictured) and a inscribed with a chilling Gouger-Tested Librarian's Curse:

• If This Book Ye Not Return, Forever in Hell Shall Ye Burn!
• Theft of Books Bears a Heavy Toll, Be These Pages Worth Thy Soul?
• As Thy Taxes Pay My Wages, I Curse the Shit Who Rips These Pages!
• Return Me In Days Three Times Seven, Or Never Shall Ye Enter Heaven!

Shame, Guilt, and Fear. Hex Libris brand bookplates utilize this noble triumvirate to reduce your library's losses. Order 10,000 or more and we'll add your library's name and logo for free.

Item #165-Hex Libris Bookplates-$6.66 per thousand

Cruel to be Kindling

There comes a time in every librarian's career when they are trapped on the telephone in The Reference Interview That Will Not End. No matter how many times an answer is given or a concept explained, the patron simply will not let go. The entire conversation takes on a surreal quality as time, space, and common sense begin to blur and melt away. A line forms. As other patrons wait for your attention, they too are helplessly drawn into the Endless Reference Question Void.

Just hang up, outsiders might say. But librarians know it's not that simple. These patrons call will call back immediately, convinced they were cut off. Even flat out denial of further service merely leads to a eternal conversation on this exciting new topic. The trick is to just stop the conversation dead and never let it resume. But how?

Gouger is here for you. Get a load of our newest gadget, Sam & Sara False Alarm. Designed by two cynical MLasseS at one of the nation's largest libraries, the S&S attaches easily to any standard telephone. When a reference transaction gets out of hand, just pull the handle. The blaring sound of a fire alarm will drone over any babbler, no matter how persistent. And no harm done. That's because a Sam & Sara False Alarm is only audible over the phone. Patrons standing right in front of you will be blissfully unaware of your clever ruse. You rascal. Break the cycle and order now.

Item #164-Sam & Sara False Alarm-$19.95

Ending Lending Through Vending!

Librarians are constantly being hit up for free office supplies. Apparently, because we lend books and stuff, everything else in the building must be fair game as well. When refused, the patron becomes angry at the library's perceived cheapness. After all, one pen or a few paper clips isn't going to bankrupt the place. They're taxpayers, you know.

Of course, this line of patron logic fails to take into account the fact that 100+ people a day ask for the same materials. It adds up. Fast. And every box of markers "lent" and staples that are "borrowed" means fewer funds for books and stuff. If the real costs were ever added up, the library board would pitch a major fit.

Well, here at Gouger we have added these costs up. After we finished our fit, we designed a wondrous solution. Make some money instead with the Adios Moochachos Vending Machine. Just stock this easy-to-operate machine with all your patron's stationery needs. There's plenty of room for notebooks, mini staplers, full-size pencils, tape, and so much more. You choose the inventory and set the prices. It's win-win.

Turn this maddening minus into a money-making plus today. We promise it will pay for itself with 6 months. That's the famous Gouger Guarantee.

Item #163-Adios Moochachos Vending Machine-$1100

Clear the Air

One loud person in a library is bad. Library noise is not unlike a communicable disease. When a carrier is about others will easily succumb to the malady. And like anything contagious, it spreads at an alarming rate until everyone is infected. Noise begets noise.

Dealing with an epidemic of Library Logorrhea can be overwhelming. Traditional shushing methods just won't work on an entire room of gibbering jabbering patrons. Approaching everyone individually would be ineffective and is also logistically impossible. But nothing is impossible for us here at Gouger Library Supplies! We've got a swell new product that kills chitchat dead.

Get instant and lasting quiet with our Cut the Bullhorn Room Silencer. This 150-decibel bullhorn delivers a message that every one in the building will hear and understand immediately. Give folks an incontinence-inducing jolt of manners with one of the messages built into this fine instrument:

• QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIET!!!!!!
• SHUT UP!!!!!!!
• DO YOOOOOOOU MIND????!!!!
• SILENCE!!!
• YOU'RE IN A LIIIIIIBBBBRRRARRRRRYYYYYY!!!!!
  

Use these fine phrases or make up your own. And it's so easy to operate. Just press a button and let 'er rip. Runs on 1 AA battery (included). Anna Tate of the Fetid Falls Free Library says "I love my Cut the Bullhorn! It shut up 3 floors of bullshitters, gossips, and yappy staff instantly. They must have jumped a foot each! It was priceless". Order now and we'll include a free set of stylish operator earplugs.

Item #162-Cut the Bullhorn Room Silencer-$79.95