Garnish The Library With Crotons

Signs galore don't deter the public from sneaking in food and drink. Some days the staff spends so much time playing the snack police that patrons are left waiting. Try the finest in negative behavior modification with Gouger's brilliant Everything's Archy Cup O' Roaches. Place these disgusting fake food containers about the building. Even the hungriest sneak will think twice when they see what a pit of filth your library is. If the patron persists in nibbling away, the staff can blame the infestation on them.

Amazingly lifelike, Everything's Archy is a cup of fun that disgusts as it teaches. Take out an order today.

Item #067-Everything's Archy Cup O' Roaches-$19.95 per dozen

Give Me Your Tired Titles, Your Poor Bindings,Your Huddled Masses That Make Us Yearn to Breathe Free

Members of the community are very generous in bestowing their unwanted books. But, as any librarian knows, donations can be a mixed blessing. A good batch can add thousands of dollars of useful materials to the collection. Or they can fetch a tidy sum at the book sale.

Then there are the mountains of crap. The whiskey boxes of moldy romance paperbacks. Shopping bags filled with underlined 1970's textbooks. A pile of rain soaked cookbooks left by the door. Kind senior citizens bring in ancient schoolbooks convinced they are presenting the library with priceless heirlooms.

You don't want to offend generous people by refusing and sounding ungrateful. The other option is to take the books and play library basketball at the dumpster. If you take the latter route the patron will invariably come in to ask why their treasures aren't in the collection yet. Lying or being a tactless ingrate. What an eximious choice.

Most librarians have experienced this uncomfortable scenario. Trust Gouger to solve this public relations minefield. Purchase our Lil' Landfill Virtual Donation Shelf Software. Simply scan any item you don't wish to keep but the donor may check up on. The book will be listed in your collection, but Lil' Landfill will make sure it is always checked out. This innovative program continuously updates to insure due dates are kept far into the future.

Patrons will be gratified that their books are so darn popular. They'll tell all their friends. Maybe their friends will donate some good books. It could happen.

Item #066-Lil' Landfill Virtual Donation Shelf Software-$34.95

There's a "New" Zealand?

Book budgets are always tight. Your city somehow managed a surplus? It won't be headed your way, sister. The school department is low on pepper spray. The Department of Elderly Affairs needs to help the elderly have affairs. The end result of all this is the library can't buy new materials. So you keep the out-of-date stuff rather than have nothing at all.

Gouger has a cheap solution. The least you can do is warn patrons when a book has become obsolete. Slap on one of our Biblia Abiblia Warning Stickers. Adorned with the universal danger sign, the skull and crossbones, patrons will quickly be alerted to outdated ideas, antiquated facts, and dangerous advice. And these eye-catching labels make great talking points, too. When John Q. Patron asks why Will the Soviets Beat Us to the Moon? is still on the shelves, you can let him know. It's there to keep your copy of How to Cure Fever and Ague company.

Sold in rolls of 5,000. Bulk discounts available, please inquire.

Item #065-Biblia Abiblia Warning Stickers-$8.95 per roll

Welcome to Merveille

Sneaking food across the library to service areas and meeting rooms requires a stealth that few possess. Besides the patrons you just intercepted with Chinese takeout, roaming administrators are always a risk. Both would just cherish catching you with the goodies.

Fool them all with Gouger's stupendous Tokamak Dehydrated Donuts. Each individually wrapped donut has been shrunk to the size of a dime. Pop a dozen in your pocket you're ready to go. When it's snack time just open the package. Not only does exposure to air make the Tokamak expand the friction involved causes the pastry to become toasty warm.

Really, what could be better? With a shelf life of five years, these stealth donuts will keep in your desk for ages. Theoretically. No known Tokamak donut has ever remained uneaten that long.

Be sure to indicate the assortment mix you desire:

• James Bond Jelly-Filled
• Encrypted Eclairs
• Mata Hari Maple Frosted
• Secret Agent C.h.o.c.o.l.a.t.e S.p.r.i.n.k.l.e.s
• Code Name : Cruller
• Glazed By a Bullet

Item #064-Tokamak Dehydrated Donuts-$24.95 per gross

We Want to Use the Internet. Where Can We Dump the Kids?

Unattended children are concern for all librarians. It's swell that parents view the library as a peaceful haven. But they are careless idiots. Gouger knows librarians worry about some kids more than their parents do. It would be hard not to.

Keep little Judy and Elroy secure until their silly grownups show up. Our Lost & Foundling Storage System keeps children filed safely away. Each colorful storage unit has a soft blanky, ample lighting, and lots of books. If children are unclaimed by closing the system alerts the proper authorities automatically.

But here's the best part. Each L&S Storage Unit is coin operated. Parents can't reclaim Junior until they fork over big time. Cops or cash. It's a mistake they will only make once. Trust us on that.

Units are large enough to hold any child too young to left alone. Call Gouger for a free brochure.

Item #063-Lost & Foundling Storage System-$3500 & up

In This Parlor No One Hollers

Truly great patrons are hard to come by. The dedicated readers. The teens who volunteer their weekends away. The mom bringing her excited little book brood every week. That nice man and the people he teaches to read. These great folks are what keeps you and the library up and running. You'd like to thank them, but your attention is demanded by Mr. Snarge arguing over a 20 cent fine.

Gouger has a stupendous way to thank prized patrons. Invest in a wonderful oasis for your facility. The Chamber of Commas is a concealed lounge for the select who can behave themselves. Each hideaway room is luxuriously furnished in traditional library hardwoods. We include plenty of comfy chairs that don't smell like pee. Ditto for the dazzling "Marbelous" tile washroom. Staff and patron alike will love the Miss Monograph Mini-Bar and Bibliographic Buffet table. And the hot tub? The staff won't be hiding in the stacks anymore!

Each Chamber of Commas comes with everything you need and can be assembled in an afternoon. Simple instructions and no tools required. Gouger includes 100 goldish keys for distribution to the favored few.

Give the great ones the room they deserve. Write up an order to Gouger today. (We bill you for "Office Supplies" so the board need never know) They'll never find you. It's a Gouger Guarantee.

Item #062-Chamber of Commas-$895 (liquor & food not included)

A Flash in the Pen

Literary criticism is a fundamental element of any reference collection. But what of the many books popular only for a short period of time? Getting any sort of analysis is close to impossible. This sad state of affairs leaves your trendier readers in a lurch.

Gouger is chuffed to announce another title in our Reference Reprint series. Temporary Authors is a unique resource. Every month Gouger will send you a hefty new volume chock full of seasonal critiques . We keep the price low so you can weed these quickly outdated volumes guilt free. No need to dedicate half your shelf space to an ever-encroaching set of books.

Temporary Authors features lengthy analytical essays on all the best-selling literary fads :

• Heart-Warming Irish Biographies
  
• Middle Eastern Horror Stories
• Arctic Sea Adventures
• Funny and Spunky Lady Detectives With Quirky Occupations
• Sassy British Chicks Who Love Shopping, Anorexia, and Obsessing About Men
  
• Tawdry Celebrity-of-the-Moment Biographies
• Inspiring Overcoming of Popular Diseases and/or Adversities
  
• 3C's of Romance : Cops, Cowboys, & Counts in Castles
• Legal Thrillers with Improbably Altruistic Attorneys
• Vampires With a Sense of Remorse
• Anything With an Elf, Wizard, or Broadsword
• Oh, My Abusive Spouse/Childhood
• Oops, We've Ruined The Environment
• Agonies of Aging Baby Boomers
• Holy Shit! It's the Apocalypse!
  

All of these worn out plots and characters are covered with all the scholastic amphigory they deserve. Gouger's Research Team will also send a Dis' Missal Update with each volume. It's a cheat sheet that informs you what books are yesterday's news. Subscribe now and keep your collection fresh, vacant, and vapid with Gouger.

Item #061-Temporary Authors-$9.95 per month

Everyone's a Winner with Gouger

Librarians are all wonderful people. Here at Gouger, we want to recognize that wonderfulness and make money off it. Every bibliothec desires a professional award to adorn their work area. But honors are hard to come by when all of the competition is wonderful too.

Fret no more. Order a Gouger Miss Information award. You will be the envy of all your colleagues when they see this eye-catching trophy. Made of aromatic cedar and melted pennies, it's both beautiful and moth-repellent. Gouger will engrave any inscription (up to 10,000 words) that you can dream up. This little masterpiece is nothing to be sniffed at.

The gentleman librarian can feel like a king with the Royal Hush Award. This copper figurine is the same as pictured above, except without the tits.

Why wait for that Altisonant Library Association to discover your greatness? Those folks are too busy attending seminars about using trained lemurs to implement bibliographic instruction using the interactive double helix-the-cat method. Or something like that. Anyway, they're too busy to notice the likes of you.

Be the envy of your library with an easy-to-flaunt Gouger Award. We know you're great. You shop with Gouger.

Item #060-Miss Information & Royal Hush Awards-$37.50 each

You've Got Patron Cooties!

Calling all circulation staff! Your health is in mortal danger! It seems that patrons just love handing you library cards that came out of their foaming mouths. Eeeeeewwww. Even if the person looks clean and healthy, it's still disgusting. And who knows? They're probably rotting from the inside out.

Invest in a pair of Gouger's antiseptic Slabber Grabber Tongs. This sterile tool will let you pick up and scan a filth-laden card while sending the patron a subtle message. Based on an antique library instrument, Slabber Grabber Tongs date back to the alexia outbreak of the 19th century. The end of each tine contains a germ-killing chemical that is released on contact.

Keep the whole Circ Desk from coming down with kuru. You can never be too careful.

Item #059-Slabber Grabber Tongs-$11.95 each

Extraordinary Espionage Eyewear

Gouger Library Supplies exists solely to make our customers more efficient and humorous professionals. With our newest item you'll be able to multitask your M.L.ASS off and have a good time doing it.

Often librarians have to leave their service areas to assist a patron. (or fix the copier, unclog the toilet, shovel snow, find their meds, etc.) The next patron is greeted by an empty desk. But you can't keep an eye on everything. Or can you?

You sure can with Gougers amazing Skelly Picture-in-Picture Bifocals! The top of the lens has your regular prescription. But the bottom section displays a real-time feed from the location of your choice. Simple instructions make using them a breeze.

Skellys can be utilized for many other tasks. Monitor that blind spot in the stacks where evil patrons go to vandalize materials. Naughty little patrons will think twice before misbehaving when they think the Children's Librarian has eyes in the back of her head. You almost will.

These wondrous spectacles are manufactured exclusively for Gouger by the trusted biblioptical firm of Skelly & Skons. Founder Skhuyler Skully is pictured above wearing his early product that allowed librarians to appear awake at meetings. Sadly, these fine eyeglasses were removed from the market after two committee chairs died in 1938 and no one noticed until after the war.

Keep your four eyes in eight places with Skelly Picture-in-Picture Bifocals. Order now!

Item #058-Skelly Picture-in-Picture Bifocals-$24.95 per pair

Drop the Coin Right Into the Slot

Gouger knows that librarians have a keen sense of justice and fair play. In that spirit, we have imported a virtuous new product. It will help show both the public and the staff that rules apply to everyone in a library. And it's a handy money-maker to boot!

Set up our fine Mulct Noise Box. Every time a staff member gets caught talking too loud or too long, they are expected to put a quarter in the box. Be sure to use peer pressure! Before you know it, that bookmobile or branch will be a reality.

We include all the necessary hardware, including tough bolts that can support up to 1 ton of coins. The box itself is made of heavy gauge steel and has reinforced seams. Because it needs to be.

It's fair and you know it. Send for one today. It's the coffer with so much to offer!

Item #057-Mulct Noise Box-$32.95

The Gill of the People

Libraries often have to deal with unpleasant or angry patrons. Sometimes their wrath is justified. Usually they are just being jerks. It would give the staff immense pleasure to put these horrid bullies in their place. Sadly, this is not an option for the modern information professional.

Since you can't stick up for yourselves, consider purchasing Gouger's new library advocate. Gill the Patron Shill will sit quietly reading until needed. Gill is a very large man who has no problem saying the things you wish you could say. He can get right in the face of your most obnoxious users and give them a satisfying taste of their own medicine.

Gill comes complete with a bag of Gouger's patented Dimes of Shame. When old Mrs. Proctalgia starts screeching about her 30 cent overdue fine, Gill will saunter over to assist your staff. "Here's 50 cents Lady", he will helpfully bellow, "now shut the hell up. People are trying to read, you cheap old cow."

Your paraprofessionals will simply love Gill the Patron Shill. Just make sure to feed him well and remember that he has first dibs on the annual Swimsuit Issue. Stack the stacks in your favor today with Good Ol' Gill.

Item #056-Gill the Patron Shill-$495 each

Put an End to Superfluous Movement

Hey catalogers! Has Gouger got the product for you. We know you like the convenience of the number keypad for inputting ISBN numbers. And we know how annoying it is when the one of those numbers ends in an X.

This leaves you with two choices, both bad.

• Using your other hand. This prevents simultaneous beverage and/or donut consumption.
• Bending your upper body to use the same hand. You may knock over your beverage and/or ruin your donut.

You'll love our innovative X-Exertion Keyboard. We put a big X key right on the number pad. Right where you want it. Compatible with PC, Mac, and Commodore 64.

As we say here at Gouger, it's eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious.

Item #055-X-Exertion Keyboard-$24.95