Librarians, Drop Your Drawers!

Kids today. The newly graduated MLS knows all about computers, but little about real-life Library Science. Provide your neophyte librarians with one of the cornerstones of professional experience with our newest product.

We are, of course, referring to the sadly fading tradition of dumping an entire card catalog drawer all over the floor. Every librarian of old has a now-hysterical story of filing, fumbling, and fury. Your young librarians will be at a professional disadvantage without such curse-filled anecdotes. They will have nothing but business to talk about at conferences.

Gouger has combined both worlds in our fantastic new software. The Ruthless Record Randomizer will take whatever part of the online catalog your rookie is using and scramble it beyond all recognition. Giggle yourself silly as they have to reorganize the database record by record. Cruel? Sure it is. Funny? You bet. Purchase this prank PC program pronto.

Item #119-Ruthless Record Randomizer-$29.95

Preserve Your Sanity

Photocopiers. They look so innocent. So simple. Yet beneath that placid exterior lurks a mechanical heart of pure evil. Most patrons require assistance for the most basic of copying tasks. Even if they don't, copiers are notorious for malfunctioning. Many a librarian has dreamed of shoving these vile contraptions off a cliff and relishing the resulting carnage.

Gouger can't make photocopying fun, but our latest product will make it much more appetizing. Try some delicious Paper Jam. The next time a 50-page document entangles itself in your copier's innards, spread some of our Vitamin-G enriched preserve over the mess. That crammed-up wad of homework will dissolve magically before your eyes! And PJ tastes great on toast and muffins, too!
Try out all of these great Paper Jam flavors:

• Uvate With Gouger
  
• The Quince and the Quauper
• A Paperwork Orange
• Strawberries 'n' Toner
• Pina Collater

Gouger's Paper Jam is sure to become a break time and breakdown time favorite. Order any three and get a free pig-iron jelly knife! This handsome utensil is not only great for Paper Jam, it makes a dandy emergency pencil sharpener!

Item #118-Paper Jam-$5.95

Lighten Up Your Workday With a Flasher

It's closing time, a librarian's favorite part of the working day. Better start flashing those lights. But before you can start, a patron needs your help with an involved question. Oh no! Now you'll never get people out of the building. The rest of the staff will hate your guts for a week (at least).

Save yourself from being an object of loathing with Gouger's swell new gadget, the Flash 'n' Dash. This clever remote control lets you control the library's lighting no matter where you are. And there's no difficult set-up; Gouger technology means it's ready to use right out of the box. One button controls all your flashing desires.

On the third floor searching in vain for picture books on the economy of Iceland? Attempting to get the world's oldest printer to work? The Flash 'n' Dash has you covered. Close on time no matter what or where. This is one hot flash you'll be glad to have.

Item #117-Flash 'n' Dash-$26.95

What a Croc!

Kyle Kyle Crocodile
so unpleasant,
so hostile

Kyle Kyle, oh so vile
library books
he did defile

Smile, smile
police arrest
that rotten reptile

Kyle Kyle Crocodile
county courthouse
he's on trial

Judge and jury
quite hostile
Oh no! 20 years exile

Yes, librarians and children alike will love the cautionary tale of naughty Kyle. It's never to early to stress the proper respect and care of library materials. This title is destined to become a beloved story hour classic. Beautifully illustrated on non-tearable paper, our newest Smatchet Storybook will be an addition to any children's collection. Quantity discounts available.

Item #116-Smatchet Storybook #5-$14.95

St. Jerome's Fire

Being a librarian is all about helping others. But not too much. All librarians have subject areas they are well-versed and enthusiastic about. When a patron happens to ask a question on this beloved topic, look out! Some MLS holders just go stark raving bonkers. Helpless patrons want to run screaming into the parking lot to escape these information-gibbering fanatics.

Stop this sad situation before it begins. Invest in a Gouger Inquire Extinguisher. This quality item will put out the flame of any overzealous librarian and save their poor patron. And it's so easy to use. Just point and squeeze the trigger. The non-toxic TomeFoam will bring librarians back to their senses fast. You'll think they just got asked a genealogy question. Now that's fast.

Item #115-Inquire Extinguisher-$99.95

Buy/Purchase/Obtain/Acquire!

Be a part of the Smart Set! Gouger has a new addition to our Non-Lame Library T-Shirt line for all you stylish book babes. You'll be the envy the Reference Desk with this clever top fashioned from the finest fustian found.

Etymology and sarcasm have never looked better than with our "Synonymicon : It's the Other Word for Thesaurus" T-Shirt. Confound the comedians who pose this lame reference "question" to you. Gouger Garments are guaranteed to get guffaws from good guys and gawps from goobers. Send for one today.

Item #114-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$9.95 (X-Small, X-Medium, Bookmobile)

The Great Master Berater

Libraries that host exhibitions by local artists know how demanding these prima donnas can be. The next time your staff catches some attitude from a self-described "artisan", it's time to cook up some delicious revenge. Mmmmm. Revenge.

The artsy crowd will love you when the library announces a free buffet for the opening! Gouger is always proud to help librarians spread culture to the masses. Send for our Patron of the Farts Buffet Buddy. You supply the table; Gouger does the rest. This kit includes all the food, flatware, linens, plates, and serving dishes you'll need to host a proper feed.

Also included is our special guide which shows how to insure a huge turnout of the library's least hygienic, sober, and sane patrons. These unfortunates are truly hungry for the fine arts. Artists often say they want to reach the whole community. It's your duty as a professional to test that statement. It's sure to be some party. That's a Gouger guarantee. Shipped overnight in an insulated container.

Item #113-Patron of the Farts Buffet Buddy-$129.95

811.54 Justice

Some truly lame people frequent libraries. These are the useless bastards who park in handicapped spaces because they are "just running inside for a minute". Meanwhile, folks who truly are disabled have to park someplace less convenient. Maybe they can't even visit the library that day.

The staff here at Gouger feels that these unthinking motorists should actually qualify for the parking spaces they so obviously covet. As a corporation, we feel it is our duty to assist them. Introducing our brilliant HassHole Handicapper! Designed in conjunction with a leading and angry handicapped advocacy group, the H3 is a nasty spiked metal cudgel. It's the perfect tool to help the thoughtless gain some practical insight into the realities of living with a disability. Some call it the Empathy Maker.

Item #112-HassHole Handicapper-$23.95

Psychoceramic Prophylactic

Few things in the library profession are as annoying as a local writer. They appear out of nowhere to grandly announce that they are authors and expect you to fawn accordingly. It's so awkward to avoid purchasing these books without being insulting. Even if they donate a copy of their inept work, it is pathetic at best. The danger of literary contamination to the staff and collection is constant worry.

Save your library from the threat of these vanity press villains. Invest in a Gouger RazzMat Protective Suit. This easy-to-slip on coverall lets you attend to all those poorly made and ludicropathetic books that you add just to get rid of the author. Made of thick Repelvar and coated with melted pencil erasers*, our suit will keep you safe from godawful plots, illiterate phrasing, and rampant over capitalization. So whether it's the biography of a nobody, an insane conspiracy theory, or just a crappy novel, depend on Gouger to keep you and you library protected.

*This product is why library pencils do not have erasers. It was Gouger all along.

Item #111-RazzMat Protective Suit-$99.95 (X-Small, X-Medium, or Bookmobile)

3 Times 17 Equals Meow

The pocket calculator is a wonderful invention. Don't you wish you could find yours? But you can't - you left it out on a Service Desk. Naturally, it was "borrowed" the second your back was turned. This maddening fact of library life means your stuff is never around when you need it.

Never fear, Gouger is here! Not only will our newest product never vanish, it's as cute as can be. Staff and patrons alike will love the Catulator. This fuzzy counting machine loves to have you scratch her tummy with equations. And best of all, kitty is theft-proof! Should someone attempt to pilfer her, the Catulator will claw their face off. Gouger brand kitties are very territorial and refuse to be removed from their library homes.

This fine feline requires no batteries and runs on standard cat food and water. Colors may vary. Warning : use of catnip may result in numerical inaccuracies. Learn to love math with an adorable Catulator. Order now, our operators are just sitting around waiting.

Item #110-Catulator-$34.95

An Open Letter to the Sony Corporation

Gouger Library Supplies
Pratt Falls, UM
Sept. 4, 2007

Dear Sony,

The advertisement for your new Reader gizmo is an insult to librarians everywhere. Here at Gouger we feel we have a good sense of humor. But "Sexier than a Librarian"? This stereotype is lamer than this product. And that's pretty lame.

Of course, Sony is known worldwide for its foxy senior management. Pictured above are two of your top executives. Hold back the ladies! No wonder your company sets the standard for erotic good looks. These two management sexpots, Ryoji Chubachi and Howard Stringer, are two smoldering hunks of beefcake. Hubba Hubba.

In conclusion,

1. Go to Hell
2. Long Live the Book!

Insincerely,

Gouger Library Supplies

Look Sharp!

Little tiny pencils are the traditional library writing implement. But these classic yellow note takers have an annoying drawback. The points become dull very quickly. Standard pencil sharpeners are too big to remedy the situation. Attempting to employ them has two typical results. They spin the pencil and painfully rasp the skin off your fingertips. Or, if you are lucky enough to keep a grip on the pencil, it will be worn down to a useless nub.

There's no need to abandon our precious library heritage. Purchase an Eat Lead Mini Pencil Sharpener. It's just the right size to keep your petite pencils perfectly pointy and productive. This fine all-metal sharpener cuts down on waste and keep patrons from pinching even more pens off your desk. Shown actual size.

Item #109-Eat Lead Mini Pencil Sharpener-$4.95

Let's Play in the Dirt

As a rule, magazines for children are pretty lame. After all, they are written by responsible adults. These silly grownups try to make their periodicals educational and appealing to kids. This tactic almost never results in interesting reading. Like any reader, today's juvenile responds best to sensationalism and utter nonsense.

And Gouger is here to fill that need. Subscribe today to our new tabloid - the infantile Weekly World Reader! It's got all the picture book gossip kids crave. Our investigative reporters have exclusive insider sources all over Storybook Land. Your little patrons can be assured of the juiciest gossip in every issue. Here's a sample of what you'll find in the kickoff edition:

• "I Grew Up in a Manhattan Townhouse!" - The Lost Diaries of Laura Ingalls Wilder
  
• Amelia Bedelia - "My Problem With Homophones"
• 300 pounds? Babar Binges - See the Shocking Photos!
• Harold Caught Drawing New Parents - Police Confiscate Purple Crayon
  
• Emily's Smelly Story - "Cleaning Up After Clifford is Killing Me!"
• 5 Chinese Brothers See Your Future - Our Horoscope Exclusive
  
• Bi-Curious George - Caught on Camera!
  

All this and more every single week! Gouger will keep little Judy and Elroy in the loop with all the latest news. Subscribe today and receive a WWR logo sippy cup as our free gift to you.

Item #108-Weekly World Reader-$49.95 per year