Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Celebrate The Books You Never Have To Worry About

The staff here at Gouger are tired of the same old library events and we're sure you are too. We're not knocking that other book week, sponsored by that Library Association. It's a vital issue for everyone, librarians and public alike. However, there are still a lot of empty weeks to fill left on the calender.

Join Gouger in celebrating the first annual Bland Book Week. Honor those books that don't offend, aren't controversial, and contain no interesting swear words. These tepid tomes are safe to recommend to any patron, no matter how wretchedly prudish or conservative they may be. This often overlooked genre is a vital element of any modern library.

Our attractive kit will furnish you with everything you'll need to commemorate this vapid event. Among the items included are colorful posters, a gross of bookmarks, and nifty keychains. All of them have a witty but modest slogan and attractive artwork. Gouger will also supply a comprehensive booklet to guide you in planning everything.

What are you waiting for? Be a trendsetter and go Mild with Gouger Library Supplies great new kit!

Item #024-Bland Book Week Kit-$25

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The Beauty Is On Reference Desk Duty!

The response to Gouger's first Reference Reprint has been gratifying. To show our thanks, we have brought back a title that our customers have been asking for. Out of print for years, the fabulous Poor Little Richard's Almanac has been reissued and is available for your library.

Here's a sample of what you'll find in this classic reference book :

The Maxims of Poor Little Richard :

"It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it. It ain't what you eat, it's the way how you chew it!"
"Shut up! I'm the star and don't you ever forget it!"
"Oooooh, my soul!"

The Many Names of Poor Little Richard :

The Georgia Peach
The Living Flame
The International Treasure
The Emancipator of Soul and the King of Rock & Roll

As might be expected, this new edition contains all the topics the original was famous for. Poor Little Richard's Home Hints shows you how to clean a suit covered with mirrors and getting that Marcel Wave just right. Poor Little Richard's Almanac also has his famous Handy Health Tips. Learn how to cure Upsetter's Stomach and keep as fit as a "True Fine Mama".

"Send Me Some Loving" says Poor Little Richard. "Send Us Some Cash" says Gouger. Do it now and your library will have this core collection necessity on the shelves before you can say "Awop-Bop-A-Loo-Mop Bop-Bam-Boom!".

Item #023-Poor Little Richard's Almanac-$14.95

Where Gouger Stops Nobody Knows

There are a few well known quirks of human nature. One is that people love to gamble. The other is they hate to pay library fines. Gouger has combined these unrelated facts into a new product.This phenomenal item can help your library stand a fighting chance of collecting the fines your patrons owe.

Let your patrons try their luck at the Double or Nothing Big Wheel 'O' Fines. Gouger has designed this fine gaming device with advice from the nation's foremost carnies. Easily mounted behind the Circulation Desk, the Big Wheel makes an eye-catching display that patrons won't want to ignore.

Patrons won't whine about fines when they get a chance to spin this colorful wheel. And when they lose, the library gets to collect the double amount. It's fun. It's easy. And it appeals to people's natural sense of greed. Sure, the library may pay out from time to time. But you're sure to collect more fines with the wheel than you do now. Gouger guarantees it.

The Wheel comes with all necessary hardware, signage, and an enlightening booklet thats shows how to make the game favor the house. Wink, wink. Not that Gouger would ever recommend something like that.

Item #022-Double or Nothing Big Wheel 'O' Fines-$250

Monday, February 26, 2007

We Have Ways of Making Them Shut Up

Many is the time that a herd of citizens show up and begin to hold a noisy meeting right in the middle of the library. When asked to be quiet, they give you the stink eye and ask just where do you expect them to hold their important gathering. Rather than question why they chose the one place where quiet is expected, just direct them to Gouger's wonderful new meeting place product. Our pioneering creation, The Conversation Pit keeps loud patrons just where librarians want them. Out of earshot, out of your hair, and out of the way. This easy to set up abyss requires no construction whatsoever. Follow the simple instructions, cover it with a rug, and send in the clowns. In fact, people can (and just might) scream and no one will ever hear them. This most satisfying product will be an instant staff favorite. Order one today for a free 30-day trial. We here at Gouger are confident you'll never want to return it. Ever.

Item #021-The Conversation Pit-$1500

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Play Your Strengths With Gouger

Read, Read, Read. Librarians love to push books, and rightfully so. But there is something more to the modern library than just books. And that something is movies. Your print copy of War and Peace has circulated a respectable 20 times in the past 20 years. But the DVD version with Audrey Hepburn has just hit 1,000 mark and is still going strong. Give in, give up and let Gouger help you to celebrate and encourage what many of your patrons really love best.

Your well-viewed patrons will feel validated and welcome with Gouger's eye-catching line of "View" Posters. Printed on sturdy paper-like flat stuff, these handsome posters will let your public know you appreciate the boost in circulation statistics they provide. Don't alienate your non-reading patrons any longer. (You can still goof on them in the staff room, of course) Invest in these fine signs today.

Item #020-View Posters-$10 each

Friday, February 23, 2007

When The Butlers Go Marching In

Many of our customers have asked us here at Gouger to use our tremendous corporate insight to resurrect the vital titles of the past. Well, we're always here to meet library needs. Gouger is pleased to announce the first in our new line of Reference Reprints. Choosing carefully from the best in public domain titles, we kick off the series with the essential Saint's Lives of the Butlers by Sir Bernard Saint!

First published in 1923, this long sought after vade mecum is the definitive guide to all the important butlers in history. Each butler has a complete biography and picture. They are indexed by name, country, employer(s), and time period. At 700+ pages, that's a big batch of butlers. Your patrons will finally have the facts about noted
servants like Cecil Dawson who could balance an entire dinner for 12 on one hand. Of course there is a lengthy biography of the beloved Henry Peterson, a scamp who managed to ravish every last skivvy in his master's household. Our researchers here at Gouger have even included a supplement with such modern butlers as the Addams family's Lurch, Batman's Alfred, and the Rich's ever resourceful Cadbury. You'll find yourself reaching for this indispensable volume again and again.

This exact reproduction and our supplement both have snazzy gilded edges and is bound in beautiful carrion-hide leather.

Item #019-Saint's Lives of the Butlers w/ Supplement-$25

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Have No Fear, Gouger Is Here!

Despite librarian's hatred of stereotypes, it is true that most Information Professionals are of a timid nature. But there are times when you need a multitude of fortitude in a hurry. A patron is screaming for blood over a video fine. The mayor wants you at City Hall in fifteen minutes to talk about the budget. Little Judy and Elroy are "expressing themselves" by screeching like howler monkeys while Mom looks placidly on. Crazy Pete has concluded that the periodicals are his alone and has decided to defend his turf. For these and many other stressful and confrontational events that librarians have to deal with may we present Gouger's life saving Librarian's Liquid Courage.

LLC is a non-alcoholic, delicious beverage that gives the drinker approximately one hour's worth of courage, poise, and self-confidence. When used in conjuction with donuts, this wonder potion is doubly effective. Librarian's Liquid Courage gets it great taste from an all natural blend of herbs, toxins, and spices. It gets its magic-like effects from the secret ingredient we call "Placebotulism". Comes in cases of 31 bottles. Bottoms up, Librarians!

Item #018-Librarian's Liquid Courage-$10 per case of 31 bottles

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Gee, I Don't Smell Any Coffee, Boss

The staff here at Gouger knows what its like to be at a library service desk. The recycled air has made your throat bone dry. You've been talking to patrons nonstop since opening time. You need a drink. Bad. But your library has a "no food or beverages rule" and you can't leave your post. The three old biddies you just stopped trying to sneak in coffees would just love to catch you drinking at the desk. What to do? Buy a handy Gouger Invisible Library Beverage Buddy, that's what. Made of study non-breakable Paynindaglass, your Beverage Buddy is never visible to patrons or bosses. Using that magical Gouger technology, the Beverage Buddy appears only when you wish it to. How does it work, you may ask. By voice command, of course. Simply activate the hidden computer chip and speak in a code word of your choice. The Beverage Buddy will materialize briefly only when your voice speaks that word. Treat yourself, Library Person! Include a non-capsizing, good looking, sneaky-as-hell Invisible Library Beverage Buddy in your next order. You sly dog, you.

Colors may vary. Our choice, but it's invisible most of the time anyway.

Item #017-Invisible Library Beverage Buddy-$10 each

Item #017a-Soda Glass
Item #017b-Coffee Cup

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Don't Look Like A Total Dork Ever Again

Not to point fingers, but other library vendors and organizations market some of the most pathetic T-shirts around. No self-respecting librarian would ever wear these embarrasing garments unless forced into it. Librarians are rightfully proud of their profession and want clothing they can wear in the outside world without looking like a complete weenie. Gouger knows this and wants the world to know about your great sense of style and humor.

Rejoice, Librarians! Gouger is proud to present its brand new line of Non-Lame Library T-Shirts. Put on one of these 100% cotton-like shirts and let the world know you are a Knowledge Professional to be reckoned with.

Please specify size and color when ordering.

Comes in X-Small/X-Medium/Bookmobile

Item #016-Non-Lame Library T-Shirts-$10 each

#016a--Librarian : I Have Books and I Know How to Use Them
#016b--You Want Some Criticism of Macbeth? Shakespeare Sucks!
#016c--Libraries Have Books Too, You Know
#016d--Just Pay the Freakin' Fine Already!
#016e--Big Pencils Are For Librarians; Little Pencils Are For Patrons
#016f--Melvil Dewey Was a 611.35
#016g--Your Kid Ain't Gifted And Brat Story Hour is Full
#016h--You Say Backlog; I Say Job Security
#016i--Cataloging : All of the Books With None of the Patrons
#016j--I Peeked at the End of The DDC; The Extraterrestrial Worlds Did It

#016k--Your Taxes Pay My Salary. So Do Mine. Now Shut Up in the Library
#016l--Dewey? You Bet Your Ass We Do!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hypocrite No More

Chasing after cell phones users is the bane of many a librarian's existence. But, as we all know, librarians have a dirty little secret. This rule doesn't apply when it's our phones ringing off the hook. That's just fine. Many a librarian has struggled to explain this embarrassing exception of the regulations to an irate cell phone user. Once again, Gouger has the product for your library's needs. Behold the sensational Party Line Buzzing Earrings. While they may look like a fashionable pair of jewelry, they are actually tiny receivers linked to your library's phone system. When the phone rings, these amazing baubles give the wearer a tickling little buzz in the ear. The patrons will never hear a library phone ring ever again and you can scold with a clear conscience. Each attractive pair comes with a tiny transmitter which is easily installed on any phone system.

Item #015-Party Line Buzzing Earrings-$25 a pair

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Be A Librarian With A Vision!

Librarians try so hard to serve all of their community. Of course, Gouger is here to help and keep information professionals on the cutting edge of both patron access and political correctness. You owe it to your public with excellent vision to sign up for our Small Print Book Plan. Call today and we will send you a comprehensive list of current best sellers, classics, and popular authors. After that, every month you will recieve a tiny catalog automatically! Each Small Print Book is a quality volume, bound in "Leatherhide" and guaranteed to last. Best of all, these tiny titles take up so little shelf space. As a librarian you need to reach out this sadly underserved community. Act now and Gouger will include some eye-catching Small Signage© absolutely free. Attract those eagle-eyed patrons today!

Item #014-Small Print Book Plan-$10 per title

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Magazine Subscription Cards Are a *&#%$ Nuisance!

Subscription cards. No matter how meticulous you are about pulling them out of the library's magazines, hundreds of them appear all over the building anyway. They somehow multiply at night and, like butterflies, in the morning they fly out of their host periodical. Since you have to pick them up all day anyway, why not transform them into something useful? Presenting Gouger's fantastic new product, the Subscription Card Transmorgrifier. Collect a stack of those pesky cards and insert them into this easy-to-use machine. Give the wheel a spin and in a flash out comes a a neat stack of crisp blank scrap paper. The Transmorgrifier can process approximately 500 cards at once, about a day's supply for the average library. Needs no batteries or electricity, and so lightweight it can go anywhere. Clean up the library and give the place a quaint look with this snazzy imitation-antique device.

Item #013-Subscription Card Transmorgrifier-$139

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Put A Fork In Him, He's Done

Has this ever happened in your library? Grandpa fell asleep with the only copy of the newspaper and everyone is mad. That lady who practically lives in the library is snoring so loudly they can hear her at the branches. Sometimes you just need to see if Old Fred is still alive or what. Waking a sleeping patron is a risky proposition at best. Rouse them too quickly or loudly and you take a chance at getting belted by a startled catnapper. Keep harm at arm's length with Gouger's Peppy Patron Poker. This handsome, sturdy 3-foot long tool gently prods the library's troublesome snoozers awake. Using 2 AAA batteries (included) it perks them up with a pleasant little jolt back to reality. Made of our exclusive wonder metal Voluminium, the P3 is guaranteed not to break, warp, or rust. Makes a lovely gift for the library's security staff. (We will engrave their names up to 100 letters at no extra charge)

Item #012-Peppy Patron Poker-$50

Monday, February 05, 2007

Track Those Puppies Down!

Library materials have a maddening tendency to never be quite where they are supposed to be. End your hours of searching with Gouger's cutting-edge Library GPS System. For pennies an item, you'll never have to wonder who's really holding the library's holdings again. Each system comes with our exclusive Pinpointatron Tracking Software and 150,000 tracking chips. Simply peel off the chip's adhesive backing and place it in the item. Then just scan the item into the GPS software and you're done!

Think of the savings! Think of the possibilities! Can't find a book that's supposed to be on-shelf? Run a Pinpointatron search. Our wonderful map will show you exactly where that book is located, be it misfiled two feet away or on a bedside table in Botswana. Mr. Loudmouth insists he never borrowed that DVD? Sorry, John Q. Patron. Pinpointatron says "Police Academy 9" is under your living room couch. Now stop giving us the business and go get it.

Gouger guarantees the Library GPS System will pay for itself within a year of purchase. This product would be a bargain at twice the price. Buy it now, library scientist!

Item #011-Library GPS System-$999
Item #011a-Extra Tracking Chips (specify Cool Ranch or BBQ)-$50 per 10,000