Here's the Story of Lovely Library...

The average workday of a librarian is a surreal journey through a bizarre alternate universe. The library world has it's own strange logic; situations that would cause hysterics in the outside world barely raise an eyebrow here. Describing the job to people outside the library field frequently causes shocked expressions followed by gales of laughter. They can't believe it. Libraries are genteel refuges of quiet where one contemplates Shakespeare. Right.

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we have long felt this quirky literary wonderland would make a fantastic setting for a situation comedy. All the necessary elements are already in place; an eccentric staff, wacky neighbors, money troubles, misguided romance, farcical misunderstandings and bratty children. Top it all off with an endless stream of screwball visitors and you've got the makings one funny TV show. All you need is a catchy theme song and guest appearances by Karen Valentine and John Davidson.

Gouger can't put your library on network TV. Only Hollywood or the police can do that. But you can have the next best thing with our amazing new Library Laugh-Back Track! This compact and easy-to-use device will supply your already TV-like existence with the snickers, guffaws, and dacrygelosis that have always been so noticeably lacking.

This wonder was invented by that eminent Mad Library Scientist, Mr. Bibliophage Sardonicus (ED, MLS, Phd, C3P0). His Library Laugh-Back Track utilizes the naturally horrid acoustic of every library building to easily bring laughter into every nook and cranny. Everyone in the library will feel like a TV star!

Celebrate and enjoy the unique zaniness that is the library. Purchase our Library Laugh-Back Track and start reaping the sidesplitting benefits of an even weirder workplace. No installation required; takes two 9-volt batteries (included).

Item #219-Library Laugh-Back Track-$49.95

Give In to Library Depression

Every librarian wants their book displays to be tidy and attractive. Patrons seem magically drawn to well-stocked shelves of books placed conveniently in their path. Likewise, your hand picked assortment of mysteries featuring cats or fishing with dynamite books will be ignored when the bookcase is a half-empty mess.

But, you've been so busy. The library has been a madhouse, half the staff has been laid off, and you've got professional meetings up the wazoo. There just isn't time to check and fill the display ten times a day. Don't worry, 'cause Gouger's always got what librarians need.

We've decided to revive a classic product from the 1930s. There's no need to worry when you've got our wondrous Self-Fulfilling Book Display. This Really Great Depression book case is so easy to use. Just pull the desired books from the stacks, unlock the back of the SFBD, and dump the books down the chute. Each SFBD unit can hold up to 500 volumes, so go thematically nuts!

When a book is removed from a shelf, the Self-Fulfilling Book Display immediately slides a new one in to replace it. And the sturdy clockwork mechanism means no added energy bills! Never again be host to an empty, lousy-looking display! Made of Gouger's exclusive Walnot brand "Wood", these handsome bookcases will last many centuries. Make an investment in better circulation and happier patrons. The librarians of the Great Depression survived and flourished and so can you. Your patrons need you more than ever. Shop Gouger today!

Item 218-Self-Fulfilling Book Display-$500 per 12 ft. unit

The Black Hole of Calcutta Numbers

Hey Catalogers! Gouger has developed yet another fantastic product to make your life easier. Every cataloger on this spinning Earth hates, Hates HATES processing weird library materials. You know the kind of stuff we mean. A vampire novel with a blood red velvet cover. A kit with 3 books, a CD, 100 flashcards, a stuffed animal, and an purple accordion. The picture book shaped like a dump truck that has actual wheels and a working motor. Or even the worst - an electronic book gizmo that not only defies proper categorization, but is sure to break after three circulations. If all the fool pieces don't aren't lost first.

We can't tell you why your coworkers insist on purchasing these ridiculous items. Maybe they don't realize what a pain in the ass it is to process and circulate this stuff. Maybe they think they're being "innovative" and "cutting edge". They're misguided attempts needn't ruin your workday. It's not your fault they read too many of those silly professional journals. Let Gouger help.

Never waste another minute pondering how to attach a spine label to an item with no discernible edge. Push those unwanted and annoying items right over your very own cutting edge. It's all so easy with the new Catalogacombs. This innovative underground storage labyrinth will keep irritating realia and other wrong library materials right where they belong: deep, deep in the bowels of the Earth. And it's ready to use right out of the box! No digging, machinery or movement of any kind required.

Anne Thracks of the Bourne Free Library says "I couldn't run my department without the Catalogacombs! It's so roomy and there's never any annoying echo to give you away." That's a plus when snoopy coworkers come looking for their acquisitions. Down they go into the magma and I can get some work done". Catalogacombs. Only from Gouger Library Supplies.

Item #217-Catalogacombs-$2300

It's OK To Laugh. Really.

Pink slips are looming in many a library. Municipal budgets are even more horrid than usual, and you know what that means. Bye-bye 'Brarian. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we share your pain. Without our customers we're up Cat Box Creek without a litter scoop. So we've produced a proactive product to prepare professional people for a possible personal panic.

Get yourself one of our stylish Librarian's Sign of the Times. These attractive sandwich boards will make you stand out from the rest of the MLS crowd. In these tough economic times, a librarian needs to utilize every edge. Made of waterproof pressboard, these signs are both sturdy and lightweight. No more backaches or warped signs with runny ink! You're a professional, so let it show. Gouger. We Want You Buying, Not Crying. Order now, while you still have some money. Please specify sign desired:

WILL _____ FOR FOOD

• INDEX


• RESEARCH


• TAKE MINUTES


• READ ALOUD


• ALPHABETIZE

Item #216-Librarian's Sign of the Times-$14.95

if u cn rd ts u cn bcome a hi pd librn

A degree in the Library Sciences used to be a costly prize. Two or more long years of extra toil in the academic gulag. Your graduation gift is often unemployment and an additional student loan to contend with. Sure, the campus is pretty and the professors are acerebral. But wouldn't it be better to learn Real Librarianship from Real Librarians from the comfort of your own home? Sure it would!

Now you can. Get that coveted MLS from our new graduate school, Gouge U. Study the Library Sciences at your own pace for only $20 a credit. What a deal! Our faculty has been recruited from witty, wise, working librarians. These well-seasoned professionals will give you the student the real-world knowledge and practical know-how necessary in becoming a productive professional person. And this dedication to humorous scholarship is reflected in Gouge U's Comprehensive Course Catalog

• ICUP 501 - Photocopiers - Paper Jams and Toner Replacement
• ICUP 502 - Wishing a Grant
• ICUP 503 - Collection Development on a Literal Dime
• ICUP 504 - Left Behind : Trend Following in Technology
• ICUP 505 - I Love a Survey
• ICUP 506 - Building Maintenance for the Impractically Educated
• ICUP 507 - Professional Field Busywork
• ICUP 508 - Advanced Alphabetical Order
  
• ICUP 509 - Developing Great Programs For Your Community to Ignore
• ICUP 510 - Symposiums, Roundtables, Working Groups, Committees, Seminars, Boards, Retreats, Workshops, Panels, Forums, Focus Groups, and other Donut-Eating Gatherings
• ICUP 520 - YA Librarianship : Lame Slogans and Sad Attempts
• ICUP 521 - Leadership Skills : Not Giggling When Somebody Farts
  
• ICUP 522 - Every Child Left Behind : Latchkey Kids in the Library
• ICUP 523 - In God We Trustee :Getting the Board of Your Prayers
• ICUP 524 - What's That Smell?
• ICUP 525 - Disaster Planning : Great Disasters Anytime
• ICUP 526 - Torturous and Arcane Cataloging of Odd Items
  
• ICUP 527 - 90% of Reference - Where's the Toilet?
  

Scholarship. Integrity. How to win a screaming match over 40 cents with your dignity intact. A Gouge U degree delivers all that and so much more. Learn the Library Sciences in your pajamas without ever leaving the house or combing your hair. Graduates receive an impressive-looking diploma and $25 off their next Gouger purchase. Compare that with those other "library schools".

Whether you want to brush up on your skills with a few classes or enter the degree program, a Gouge U education is money well spent. All Gouge U courses are fully accredited by the American Library Ass. No hidden student fees. No campus parking nightmares. Gouge U; the Graduate School for the Practical Polymath. Don't settle for MLeSS!

Item #215 - Gouge U. Master of Library Science Program - $20 per credit

A Steel of a Deel

That Danielle Steal. Here at Gouger Library Supplies we admire her hearty work ethic and her ability to produce at least one bestseller a week. We also admire her vast stockpiles of gold and the squadron of flying monkeys that guard it. We've seen them and they are so cool. That pact she made with Lucifer at the crossroads in Mississippi has paid off in spades.

While some foolish mortals may scoff at her prose as pedestrian, Danielle is popular where it counts. In the pocketbook. Book buying ladies can't get enough of her luxurious tales of glamor and intrigue. And what Librarian doesn't pick up her newest tome from the booktruck in Cataloging? Who can resist gazing at Danielle's newest picture on each jacket, peering up at you in all her wicked glory? Nobody. That's who.

That's why we here at Gouger are simply thrilled anticipating the riches we will rake in with the release of our newest Remainders of the Day. Our buyers have unearthed not just one, but an entire series of Danielle's earliest novels! These books were released by Slattern, a small paperback publisher that catered to a specialty market. Due to an extremely limited press run and a suspicious warehouse fire, these books have remained virtually unknown.

The saga of the Hough sisters is one that is sure to boost the circulation in any library. This multigenerational epic follows the fortunes of a family of poor women who discover a magical product that they can sell over and over again. But the path to riches is paved with both heartache and happiness. Ms. Steal's many fans will enjoy her first literary efforts, which reveal her evolving style and flair for drama. Gouger has bound this special edition in lovely dalmatian puppy leather, just like the coat the author has always so longingly coveted.

Order early. This tremendous literary find is sure to sell out wicked fast.

Item #214-Remainders of the Day-$59.95 per set of 7 volumes.

Stick Out Your Can Here Comes the Garbage Man

Stop embarrassing yourself in front of others! Every time you try to toss a balled up scrap of paper into the wastebasket or recycling bin you miss by a freakin' mile. "Hey!", you might say, "I'm a librarian, not Larry Freakin' Bird! I know I'm a pathetic shot! Get off my back!" So very defensive. Gouger Library Supplies knows this is a sore spot for its many uncoordinated and nearsighted customers.

Never suffer the embarrassment of getting up from your chair to retrieve a bad throw again. Patrons and librarians alike will be in awe of your skills when you use the Suckular Circular File. This high-tech wastebasket is equipped with powerful sensors that will detect any object thrown within a five-foot radius. The powerful vacuum action then kick in and suck that lousy toss right into the trash. Handmade by the world famous wastebasket craftsmen of Trashkanistan, these attractive baskets will complement any library decor.

Staff and patrons will be in awe of your amazing shooting accuracy and range. Prepare to become a Library Legend with the Suckular Circular File. Not responsible for humorous accidents involving any body part or articles of clothing. Part of Gouger's Our Little Secret line.

Please specify desired color :

• Cramoisy
• Smalt
• Spadiceous
• Fulvous
  
• Sarcoline
• Virid
• Atrous

Item #213-Suckular Circular File-$24.95

Forewarned is Foregone

Library Science is fraught with unspeakable danger. There are certain words and phrases that will send chills down every librarian's spine. Whenever these dreadful nouns and verbs are used in a library it can never be a good situation. The human body's natural response to danger is fight or flight. Sadly, by the time these words are uttered your body is already trapped. You are snared. Cornered. Totally and utterly screwed. If only there were some kind warning that would allow you to flee to safety.

Gouger Library Supplies has just the device to enhance your body's natural defenses. Our Logomisia Pocket Alarm will give you plenty of warning and let you Fight with Flight. This high tech instrument has thousands of tiny sensors that will pick up all of Librarianship's Forbidden Words of Doom. There's also plenty of memory, so you can add up to 100 locally perilous words and phrases. Here's just a sampling of the horrific pre-loaded lexicon:

• Genealogy
• Local Author
• Tutor
• Microfilm
• Gifted Child
• Professional Literature
• Tax Form
• New Format

The tiny 1 oz. LPA detects these and many other danger words way in advance. When it buzzes just make yourself scarce. Nothing could be easier. Like nature itself. Shown actual size.

Item #212-Logomisia Pocket Alarm-$12.95

Sedimental Journey

Gouger Library Supplies has always been especially proud of our Reference Reprint line. This fine series of books provides so much value for so little cost many of our competitors have given up and started selling those seeds that are advertised on the back of comic books. These books are that good.

We've gone far out on a ledge with our newest offering. For too long there has been a need for a comprehensive and up-to-date resource on this topic. You'll never be left hanging with our 6 volume set of Noted Cliffs. This compendious work has over 250,000 entries on anything and everything to do with Cliffs. Here's just a tiny sampling of the precipice-related topics covered:

• The White Cliffs of Dover
• Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards
• Clifton, NJ
  
• Clifford the Big Red Dog
• Cliff Richard
• Newport Cliff Walk
• Cliff Robertson
• Galloping Cliff Gallup

No need to subscribe to one of those expensive cliff databases. If it's a Cliff and it's been Noted, Gouger guarantees it will be included in this reference work. Well illustrated and bound in handsome Corinthian leather, this is one cliff that won't leave your library hanging.

Item #211-Noted Cliffs-$24.95

One Fine Day

Many library workers are tired of living a lie. These troubled people have written to us at Gouger Library Supplies to unburden themselves. We listen to your needs. We care. Then we exploit.

All day, every day, circulation workers perpetuate a cycle of deceit and it sickens them. It's known as The Checkout Transaction. Whenever they stamp the due date in a patron's book, both parties know it's a mark of deceit. The borrower isn't going to return the book until they're damn good and ready. Some folks will return the book tomorrow. Other people will never return it. And no amount of calls, notices, or emails is going to make a bit of difference.

If your staff is tired of performing this meaningless charade a couple of thousand times a day, invest in Gouger's newest product. Give in and give up with our swell Due As You Will Date Stamper. These sturdy date stamps will mark your books with more realistic return periods. Each stamp can be set for the following:

• Eventually
• End of the Semester
• Whenever
  
• Amnesty Week
• A Month of Sundays
• Someday, Someway

There's no sense in getting angry. That's not going to get the library's books back one second sooner. Accept the situation and hope for the best. You'll be less stressed and live longer that way. And Gouger will make more money. Order when you get around to it. We'll be here.

Item #210-Due As You Will Date Stamper-$24.95

Buy the Farm

Uh oh. The economy is in the outhouse again. That can only mean bad times ahead for any library. Beleaguered book budgets are bound to take a beating. Don't despair, noble Library Scientists! All is never lost when you have Gouger Library Supplies on your side.

When there's no money in the pantry to buy books, you can grow your own. That's right. Pioneer Librarians on the frontier did it and so can you. The Garden of Readin' contains all the supplies and instructions necessary to cultivate a fine crop of literature. Here's a sampling of what you'll get:

• PostTiller Earth Tiller-strong enough to turn your and anyone else's parking lot into acres of arable farmland
• Gouger High-Yield Book Seeds-we create a custom mixture of genres, formats, and age levels to meet your collection development needs
  
• Committee Meeting Brand Fertilizer-Gouger has collected the manure output from a year's worth of professional gatherings. An inexhaustible supply of high-grade crap for your crop!
• Library Hoes-for weeding, you pervert
• AACR H2O-an irrigation system that defies classification

With a little care and some physical labor that the shelvers can be made to do, your library will be assured a bountiful harvest of books. The national financial situation is unlikely to improve any time soon, so order now to be ready for Spring planting.

Item #209-Garden of Readin'-$499

Let Inflation Work For You

Librarians are sometimes the object of unwanted romantic attention from their patrons. It's not that these lovelorn folks are necessarily acting inappropriately, you're just not interested in a relationship with them. (Inappropriate creepy behavior is, of course, always quite possible) The Naughty Librarian is a popular fantasy figure for many and this mortifying situation will eventually occur at every library.

At best the situation is awkward and embarrassing. In the worst case scenario, you end up hiding in the back room for the rest of the day, writing up an incident report, and having your coworkers walk you to your car every night for a month. With this ghastly predicament in mind, Gouger asks the question---

What Do You Get When You Cross a Librarian With an Inflatable Sex Doll? Why, you get Gouger's solution to Unrequited Librarian Crush. When an infatuated patron realizes that their affections won't be returned, things can get ugly fast. You need to distract them and you need to do it now. Gouger is fairly ashamed to introduce the world's only blow-up lovebrarian, the F**king Know-It-All.

This life-like bookworm is just dying to meet your branch's Romeos and Juliets and run off into the sunset with them. Dressed as a prim and proper professional, each doll can't wait to go wild. All they need is the right person to unleash their hidden desires. (and the included battery pack) Leave the FKIA where your admirer is sure to find it. It will be love/lust at first sight. That's Gouger Guarantee. Please specify: Male/Female/Committee Assortment.

Item #208-The F**king Know It All-$199.95 each (expensive, but worth every penny)

Fill in the Blankety-Blank Form

You're a busy bibliothecary. Running a library involves a million little details, each one of them important and demanding of your immediate attention. Let Gouger Library Supplies take at least one of those worrisome projects off your sagging shoulders. We're talking censorship, library lads and lasses.

You've been meaning to create a materials complaint form. Honest you have. But the book truck lost a wheel and Timmy the shelver has rabies and that lady with the moustache has made a hat out of the Wall Street Journal again and three of your circulation people ran away with the circus and... you never did get the chance to get to it.

Why reinvent the wheel? Gouger's done all the dirty work for you and created a superb all-purpose Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form. All you have to do is buy it, stuff it in a drawer somewhere, and hope you never have to use it. But it's almost inevitable that something in your collection will be challenged someday. Not to worry. You'll have this official-looking form ready and waiting for your local Comstock. Just whip it out. Here's what you get:

Your Library Name Here

Materials Reconsideration Request

This (book, film, compact disc, employee) should be (removed forever, burned, hidden from all humanity, restricted to children) because it contains (smut, cursing, religious views other than my own, uncomfortable truths, uncomfortable lies, witchcraft in the guise of a harmless children's story, a predictable plot and poor character development, biases that are not my own, historical accuracies, it's just plain filth).

I believe I can choose what others can read because I am (a religious busybody, a secular busybody, a librarian, perfect in every way, spoiling for a fight). If the library does not deal with this material in a manner according to my wishes I will (call the mayor, call my pastor, call the newspaper, be the first member of the public to ever attend a library board meeting, call the mayor again, call no one but self righteously lecture the library director for at least 30 minutes).

I (have, have not) read or viewed the material I am (grousing, grandstanding, bellowing, sermonizing, earnestly trying to establish a dialogue) about.

Name:

Phone Number:

Alleged Friend in City Government:

Our boilerplate is easy to read and simple to complete. Buy a box of of these forms and be a prepared professional person. We'll even put your library's logo on at no extra charge.

Item #207-Materials Reconsideration Boilerplate Form-$9.95 per 100

Librarians in the Mist

There's always a mountain of books waiting to be checked in every day. You can't spare a single worker to the illnesses brought on by putrid-smelling books. You know the type we mean. When the book is opened for checkin a stench wafts out that makes everyone in the library buckle at the knees. These books smell as though the patron spent the entire borrowing period blowing smoke directly into the pages. Or dropped the book into the pot while cooking a rotting cabbage with onions and garlic. Or used the pages to wipe their underarms after a day's work at the slaughterhouse.

Often these books must be discarded or at the very least aired out for several decades. Confronting a whiffy patron is a horribly embarrassing and useless experience that will only end in heartache. So the library loses money and the patrons lose access to another title. Until now.

The team at Gouger Labs under the able direction of Dr. Jason has developed a book-refreshing spray that will make even the most malodorous volume smell sweeter than a field of fresh-picked donuts. The next time you get a literal literary stinker give it a few spritzes of our Library of Pongress Book Renewer. LOP neutralizes even the strongest foul aromas immediately on contact. It's splendiferous!

Order right now. Quantity discounts are available. Please specify scent : Warm Cookies, New Box of Crayons, Fresh Cut Grass, Root Beer, or Play-Dough.

Item #206-Library of Pongress Book Renewer-$19.95 per doz.

Gouger's Your Paraprofessional Para-Site!

Assistant. Page. Shelver. Clerk. Sure, the patrons call you Librarian. To the untrained eye you have the same job as the one of the Big Girls. That similarity ends at payday. MLS Librarians sure ain't rich and you make even less than that. You are a Paraprofessional!

Here at Gouger Library Supplies we too strive to profit from the Library Paraprofessional. Without you many libraries would have to shut their doors. Gouger can't get you the salaries that you so richly deserve. But we've created the coolest T-shirt ever for you to spend you meager wages on.

You'll be proud to wear this all-fabric Non-Lame Library T-Shirt that asks "Are Paraprofessionals Paranormal?". Library grunts everywhere will be in Paradise wearing this stylish and humorous garment. Be a Paragon of a Paratrooper and order one immediately.

Item #205-Non-Lame Library T-Shirt-$24.95 (XS, XM, XL, Landmass)

Oh See, Elsie?

Every cataloguer knows that some books just defy classification. A volume on the spiritual life of water, for example. Or a collection of essays on the mating habits of ketchup written by the channelled spirit of a teapot. How about an anthology on twenty different imaginary topics complete with maps of places that may or may not exist. Trying to assign a call number to can lead to many hours of tedious research and eventual insanity. You may even have to call a meeting. Eventually you compromise and assign a number that doesn't really fit. You don't like it; it's not just right. But it's the best you can do with the tools you got.

Don't settle for this irritating state of cataloguing affairs. The best brains here at Gouger have devised a revolutionary update to your current classification scheme which covers those annoyingly ambiguous subject areas. Put those literary pests where they belong with our Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena. This comprehensive supplement has the extra classification numbers Dewey & LC forgot to put in! That's right. Never spend another moment scratching your head and wondering where the hell that Estonian haiku picture book on space frogs is supposed to go. Just Phylum & Phorgetum.

Order immediately if not sooner. Please specify Dewey, LC, or Weird Local Scheme.

Item #204-Phylum & Phorgetum Paralipomena-$99.95

You're the Devil in Disguise. Oh Yes You Are.

Sometimes a librarian needs to do some work in the stacks without interruption. But this is always easier said than done. Folks see you and need your help. You gladly help them, but your original project never gets done. Weeding, shelving, shifting. These tasks will always take a back burner whenever there is a patron in need. But they can't ask you if they can't see you.

Hide in plain sight with Gouger's revolutionary new Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit. Cover up your regular work clothes with this comfy one-piece, one-size-fits-all garment. The highly realistic looking "Books on Shelves" camouflage pattern means you can work undisturbed any time you want. (see photo) Why, it's just like being invisible!

Supervisors can lurk in the stacks and monitor their underlings.Underlings can avoid their supervisors. For the fun-minded librarian, it's a great for sneaking up on unsuspecting coworkers for wedgies, book cart hijacking, and other workday hijinks. The possibilities are limited only by you imagination and ethics. Or lack thereof.

Blend into your natural habitat today with the Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit. Go into the 400s and be a Comma Chameleon today!

Item #203-Stealthbrarian Camouflage Suit-$24.95 (specify wood or metal shelving)

Freedom From Choice

Gouger Library Supplies is an All-American company with an keen eye to the future of the Library Sciences. In this patriotic spirit we are proud to announce our latest historic project. Our company wants to lead the way by developing and sponsoring a possible future Presidential Library. And we're offering our customers a chance to help in this noble endeavor.

You'll be purchasing a piece of history when you buy a Commemorative Brick to help construct the Sarah Palin Presidential Library. Gouger will inscribe any name you desire on the hand-engraved brick(s) you purchase. These handsome building blocks will show the world your support of the kind of Library Science this righteous public servant endorses. Our in-house architect has already drawn up the blueprints for this majestic building. (see artist's rendition above) Sure it's ambitious. But here at Gouger, we think True Americans should be burning with patriotism.

And you the library consumer can't lose. In the sad event this Institution does not come to pass, Gouger Library Supplies will send your brick(s) to you! These highly polished bricks make lovely projectiles or can be just keepsakes of a dream. Order early and often. Literally get in on the ground floor of this American Landmark. Or Else. God Less America!

Item #202-Sarah Palin Presidential Library Commemorative Brick-$24.95 each

Sweet Revenge

Library workers often have to bite their tongues when dealing with less-than-pleasant patrons. Many of these foul people are regular visitors. They seen to delight in being rude during their weekly (or daily) pilgrimage to your building. Frankly, there's not much you can really do to change these obnoxious cretins. They were born jerks and they're going to stay jerks. But you can enjoy some sweet, sweet revenge.

Get yourself a box of Gouger's delicious Chocolate Patrons. Made from only the finest ingredients, these delicious candy effigies will delight and soothe any staff membern who has to deal with the public. Literally bite their tasty little heads off after they figuratively bite off yours. Catharsis was never so delectable.

Gouger's Chocolate Patrons come two scrumptious flavors- Just Plain or Just Plain Nuts. Each box comes with an assortment of fudgy little figurines. One of these luscious candies is sure to resemble the patron you loathe. Bulk discounts are available, please inquire.

Item #201-Gouger's Chocolate Patrons-$24.95 per gross

Arc de Triomphe!

It's celebration time here at Gouger Library Supplies! We are prouder than proud to present our loyal customers with our 200th product! That's right! 200 hundred fun-fulled, highly professional, mirthfully useful, Librarian-friendly creations. Our competitors said we wouldn't last. But they were too busy charging $100 for a box of thumbtacks to notice Gouger's brilliant innovations. That's why those guys suck and Gouger rules. Pack of no-good swindlers.

Have we got a product to commemorate this fine occasion. If you're sick of systems that give you incomplete, inaccurate, or downright useless statistics you're going to love the Arch Angel. It's a traditional beeping security arch and so much more. As each patron passes through it, the Arch Angels tells you what they really did during their library visit. Check out some of these statistical fields:

• Nothin' But Movies


• Internet Dating Loser


• Ran Around Making Noise (Teen)


• Slept 3 hours - Light Snoring


• Bathroom and Chatted Up Uninterested Staff Member


• Stared at Women


• Jammed Copier and Left


• Actually Borrowed Book(s)


• Mumbled to Self and Made Strange Gestures


• Met Friend - 1/2 Hour Chat (moderately annoying)


• Genealogy Nut Recounted Family Tree to Uninterested Staff Member


• Complained About Fine w/o Payment


• Story Hour and Some Videos


• Ran Around Making Noise (Juvenile)


• 2 Large Print Danielle Steel's and a Quick Look at Cosmo


• Run Tutoring Business and Talked on Phone


• Washed Out Socks and Shaved

One look at these highly detailed fields will give your administration a new and much more accurate look at how the community really uses the library. And this is just a small sampling of what this fine system will tabulate. This easy-to-install arch works with any computer operating system and software to print out practical and personalized in-depth reports. Comes with all necessary hardware and software.

Invest in one today. It's a product worth celebrating. Call now. Let it ring. Operators are having a little party.

Item #200-Arch Angel Statistical System-$1000